2011 is done and we are on our way into the beginning of 2012.  I am amazed how many things can happen in a year and still make me feel unfulfilled and rather unaccomplished.  I know I have made strides this year in my life, but without this yearly writing, it is hard to quantify and therefore to accept.  And, as we all know acceptance is necessary for growth.

I went through some tough things that made me reevaluate my life.  Here is the short list, not in any particular order.  They were all pretty significant to me, and all of them affected me, each in their own way.  I shall catalog them for you now.

Aurianna went to College.  Although I am excited for her, it was rather rough on me to see my little girl advance to this stage in her life.  That really isn’t true at all.  It is more that I have to advance to this stage of my life.  I wrote about that in detail here, so I will not elaborate on it again.  But that leads to the next item.

 My house is now empty.  For the first time in many years, no one is living at my home but me.  This is a blessing and a curse, as although I finally have my home to myself, I am also completely alone most of the time I am there.  Aside from the insects that generally avoid me, there are no living things in here but me.  Combined with the other things that have happened, this can be difficult to bear.

I find that some days are harder than others.  Granted, it would be that way anyway, as that is just how life is.  In this case, however, I find that sometimes the silence is maddening and I have to play music or TV to make sure I don’t go crazy.  Other days, I just leave the house.  Those are when I go to bars or walk through a store or something to forget that I am alone.

Still, I like that the mess I leave is the mess I will have when I get home.  It is my domain and I can determine what happens here with some measure of certainty that no one else will mess it up unless I am involved.  So, it is a mixed bag of fun.  I miss my girl, but I am making the best of my time alone as best as I can.

 Several good friends passed on.  People die.  It is the way of life to have a beginning and an end.   I don’t know what that means to you, but to me it means one simple thing.  Live for today, for tomorrow we may die.  Make it happen, people.  Make it happen.  ‘Nuff said.

Vangie moved to Texas.  It was a great move for her, but was a bit depressing for me.  I really should have put more time into our friendship.   Years ago, she listened to me vent about my life and helped me through some rough times.  Later, we were able to just relax together, converse and watch sci-fi together.  It was a wonderful thing, having her here.  I will miss our conversations.

I will count it among my greatest mistakes that I did not get more involved in that friendship.  We will still talk here and there, and I will visit when I can, but we both have limited vacation and money preventing anything more.  It will have to do.

I was made to change jobs, pretty much against my will.  Although I still managed to travel to Puerto Rico and the UK, I once again missed out on China.  I am rather bitter about this part of the year and I am taking steps to embrace the change and make it better, but it is still a change that I will struggle with daily.  I don’t necessarily like what I do, although I have a good group of people that I get to do it with.  I can weather any storm (except one, which I won’t talk about) and I so I will weather this.

It is my fault, as I had let myself get complacent and networked far less than I had in the past.  If things work out this year, I will be doing more of the things I want.  Plans are in motion.  We shall see how it goes.

I made some solid friendships that will likely last my whole life.  I can make friends anywhere at any time with very little effort.  I have never met a stranger, as my daughter tells me, so I tend to meet many people and attempt to connect to everyone I can so that I can learn and enjoy all that the diverse population of this planet has to offer.  This is one of several reasons people compare me to Captain Kirk at times.  He was quite the extravert and a bit of a party animal.

However, those are not the truly deep relationships that are fulfilling, as they require more effort and time. I value everyone I meet, as everyone has something to offer.  Still, there are a few people that I got a change to get to know this year that mean more to me that anyone.  And, for the first time in my life I have more female friends that I do male ones.   It wasn’t on purpose, and I really wasn’t prepared for it. For reasons I won’t explain, I won’t mention names, but you know who you are.

And seriously, you know it is gonna be a fantastic friendship when the first conversation goes like this:

Me:  Excuse me, did I just hear you say, “handcuffs and anal beads?”

Her:  Why yes, yes you did.

And the rest is history.

I lost about 15# as of today. Not much else to say about that.  From here on out you will steadily see less of me.  I have already started trying on older, smaller clothes and some of them fit.  I am looking forward to being in shape again.  I already feel better.

I have been struggling a bit with the new diet, as being alone makes me want to binge eat, so I have to prevent myself from bring things into the house that would be bad for me.  Lots of Salads and low-fat meals.  🙂

I started a novel.  I am in Chapter 10.  It is going slow and it will likely be crap over all, but it will get written this year.  I am enjoying the process, although I have had precious little time to write with the Holidays and such.  Now that the New Year has started, I expect I will be able to get more time to write once Aurianna heads back to college.  And that leads me to the final one.

I still live in Arkansas.  I expected at this time that I would be living in Phoenix when I set the plans in motion years ago, in reaction to Aurianna wanting to study at a school there.  Do to money, timing, and various other things, we ended up staying here and she is going to a fantastic school in Batesville, Arkansas.  It has an environment that she loves and she is doing well there. We both would like to have been elsewhere, but we are doing our best.  She will get her degree, and it appears it will be here.

But, I still live in Arkansas.  This is not where I fit best, but I have made the best of it.  I have good friends, a good job, and enough money to survive while getting Aurianna through college.  It is sometimes scary, as I never know what may happen to screw it all up, but I am focused on making sure it all works.

And so ends 2011, with no fanfare and no fireworks.  It was a good year, with some decent changes to keep me guessing.  I am certain I missed something that happened, as these were certainly not the only things that happened.  If I missed something that was significant to you, I am sorry.   I have reasons for not revealing everything that happened, not the least of which, I want to finish this before it becomes a novel itself.

To conclude, I don’t have everything I want and my plans for life are different that I would have chosen.  I don’t have a lot of extra money or time to do what I want.  I don’t have anyone in my life that I can share the most intimate moments with.  Woe is me, right?

Wrong.

I am alive and (mostly) healthy.  My daughter is doing well.  I have what I need and I can always improve on that.  I have good friends and I really don’t need intimacy that badly, at least not now.  I will have that later, once I have finally done something for me.

And so we begin 2012, on the way up and ready to go higher.   Everybody ready?

Make it so, Number one.  Make it so.