So, every once in a while, I search for people I knew when I was younger. In particular, a woman I once knew as a young man. Most days, I lose an hour searching and I don’t find her. Until today.

The most interesting thing about it is that as soon as I saw her, my heart leapt out of my chest and I was that young boy again. I wanted to talk to her, to just hear her voice again as I used to.  Such a deep connection we had, like soulmates, or at least it seemed that way.   Youth can delude you into thinking things are different until they are tempered with age.  And as I thought those feelings through, my mouse poised over the “Friend Request” button, I stopped.

I mean, she won’t feel that way anymore, as it was 27 years ago.  I looks like she is married, has children, a life.  Without me.  And even if I contacted her and I drummed all those old feelings in her, it is no different than last time.  We couldn’t be together now, any more than then.  I live here, she lives there.  She has things that will prevent it, as do I.  We were a moment in time, when things were not right for us to be together and it seems we always will be.

The memories are powerful and strong, as though I walked out of her life yesterday.   I seems like I was just running in the rain with her last week and going to dance all night just this weekend.  Playing on the swings and just talking all night long until we had to sleep so we could work the next day.  I mean, I even remember her fucking birthday.

And so, for just a moment, I was young again and in love with someone I had to walk away from because…it was the right thing to do.  Its like I just shut the door again and I have to get over her again.  It won’t take long this time, I am sure, but I will need to address it and why I am continuously drawn to her.

Wait.  I know why.  I remember why. And the mixture of pleasure and pain from that realization is exquisite.

I mean, I can’t even be angry at anyone but myself, as I should have known I would eventually find her again and the result would be this. It is at times like these when I really wish I was Data, so I could just shut off my emotion chip and get back to something productive. I will be ok, but I need to be offline for awhile, as I need to deal with this emotional cocktail I have mixed up for myself.

*sigh*

Tragedy, on the rocks, please.  And the tab.  I am done.

Walking the Path,

Chris