It is hard enough to grieve. Even harder, to accept that someone is gone and then move on. That moment when you blow out the candle for that last time, to know that you will never see them again, is profound. I have only had to do it a few times that are significant, but I have. What brings this to the front of my mind is an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. The episode is about a quelled rebellion on the surface, but it begins and ends with a candle.
Kira is remembering a lost loved one by chanting over a candle. She is called away to do a mission, and ends up helping a former rebel proclaim he is running for Prime Minister after nearly entering a Civil War. All ends well for them, as most Star Trek episodes go, but at the end she did something that was moving. For 3 months she chanted over that candle; three months of grieving. After this event, she quietly walked over to the candle, smiled in fond memory and blew it out. Acceptance.
I have come to realize lately that I very likely have fewer days ahead than I have behind. I have been spending so very many days in exile in a job I don’t like in a place I don’t like. And with my current plight, I don’t think I will be leaving it for a while. I will likely be forced to downsize my life and live a more modest, Spartan lifestyle in service to others for a tragic mistake. I am not angry and I understand what is happening. I am making the best of it.
For very good reasons I made the sacrifice to move here and I don’t regret it. I have met a large number of great people and have had wonderful experiences. But I still feel as though I am not home, like I should be somewhere else doing other things. Like I missed a calling that I can’t understand.
And so I ponder what that might be and where that might lead me, before I enter the great expanse of time as a memory. Before I Die.
I was once told by my dear friend Heather near my 22nd birthday (I need to find that letter) that I should write an essay about Death so that I could understand it. Until that candle went out, I didn’t really think I could, as I have been afraid of it for years and still am, to some degree. I think it is why I walked away from organized religion and why I abhor fixed beliefs. It is why I have taken some of the chances I have and some that I haven’t. It is why I play games and why I spend time in social circles. I crave experience and social interaction, but I don’t know if I am being honest with everyone. Especially myself. Because time is running out, as they say.
But I digress.
Death comes for us all, King and Pauper alike. No favorites, no social standing is immune. One day we will all take our Last Breath and find out what is next. And we can never know what that will be until we are done. This is uncomfortable to some of you, I am sure, as I very much doubt I am alone in being afraid of the unknown. This fact has caused more wars than almost any other thing. It has spawned religions, as our fear of the unknown sparked us to invent myths and legends that solved the problem.
Heaven. Limbo. Nirvana. The World Tree. Axis Mundi. Brahmāloka. Tian. Firdaus. The Elysium Fields.
All places to go when we are done toiling here, to live an eternal life in peace or to prepare to return to another life and do it again. All substitutes for accepting death as a reality, in my humble opinion, as it is easier to be unafraid of death when you belief you won’t actually die; that you will continue on in another form or another place. That is not acceptance. That is transference, a form of risk management.
It is like buying an insurance policy. I pay you premiums now and when I encounter the risk I am insuring against, you take all of the responsibility. I have transferred responsibility for my death to you and now I can live free and without fear.
I personally think that this is the coward’s way out, but I if you can’t continue to live and prosper without putting it out of your mind, then so be it. I have many things that I won’t face, and so that makes me a coward as well. I suppose that puts us back on even ground. I just won’t do it with this, as it is far too important. Some examples.
People will accept a God into their life and then go about their days with this sense of security about things, like there is a shield around them to protect them and then get disillusioned when it doesn’t actually happen that way. Like trying to ask for changes in a divine plan with prayer. If you accept this being as omnipotent and omniscient, then all things happen when they happen as they should happen, regardless of your involvement. Why even try? What is worse, is that many of the True Believers want to force others to believe the same way in some otherworldly Shanghai movement. Everyone on the boat, or else.
Then, there are those that just let the plan happen and step apart from the world, accepting the good with the bad with no real emotional attachment to it. How can one be friends with someone like that? If you live this way, you may find that you build no real relationships, as you don’t feel that this life is even relevant. It is an illusion or a transitory moment in the cosmic scheme of things. Lonely to say the least, but they aren’t usually militant.
There are atheists who think we are done when we die and many feel that all other religions should be purged, as they hold us back. I sometimes agree, but I don’t get militant. I think that is wrong. They have no acceptance and tolerance for others who are struggling with the same thing they are. The most certain knowledge that they will Die.
There are still other variations on this theme that I have not yet encountered — and likely won’t — but they are all attempting to deal with one simple fact.
We will all take our Last Breath and we don’t know when.
Maybe next week. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe while you are reading this. You don’t know when and you don’t know how, unless you have a terminal condition or something that will likely be the cause. In the face of that knowledge, knowing you have only so much time to live, are you going to waste it on a borrowed belief system?
I am not saying that any of the viewpoints about Death are wrong. I am saying you should face it head on, not like a coward running from something you fear, but as a friend that is motivating you to be your best. Know for yourself that the reason you believe is to give you some Solace about the knowledge of Death, not for any other reason. I give you this for free, and I hope it will help you.
You are dealing with the unknown in the best way you know how and that is ok. Face it. Live it. Accept it. Be one with that knowledge and live with intention for the rest of the days you are given.
I will leave you with another Star Trek moment before I blow the candle out to help lighten the mood. One of my favorite things that Picard said was in response to a madman killing stars to find a kind of Heaven called the Nexus. Picard was sifting through rubble to find a photo album, talking to his First Officer and grieving the recent destruction of the Enterprise. I will leave you with this, and I hope I have brought some insight into a difficult topic.
RIKER: I’m going to miss this ship. She went before her time.
PICARD: Someone once told me that time is a predator that stalks us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment …because they’ll never come again.
What we leave behind is not as important as how we lived. …After all, Number One, we’re only mortal.
RIKER: Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.
Oh, and Heather: It is finally done.
Walking the Path,
Chris