“Do you believe, a man can change his destiny?”

“I believe a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed.”

I have had much time to think lately, as I have been stuck at home a lot since I am not currently allowed to drive.  I have notices that I have lived a good life with many chances to do great things.  I have failed at most of them.

*I will pause here for people to deny it*

Are you done?  Well, then.  I will continue.  Where was I? Ah yes.  Failure.  Me.  My collection of them.

I have been told I am a good Father and as it came from my daughter, I will not argue.  She is the only one that really matters on that score.  I feel that I could have done much better and that I don’t really deserve the praise I get for it, but I understand why.  Because so many fathers fail that I look good by comparison.

Don’t get me wrong, I did everything I felt I should have, but there was so much more I could have done.  The reason that I won’t argue is because it is the only goal I never quit. I keep trying to improve, which is why she thinks I have done a good job.

But not a great job, in my opinion. I don’t think myself a bad person, however, just not a motivated one.

I have failed twice to write a novel, failed to gain a black belt in at least 4 martial arts, dropped out of college, and was a miserable husband.  I have let every women who loved me slip out of my life and most of them for very stupid reasons.  Hell, only my ex-wife had a good one and I fought to keep her for far too long.  The failure list goes on and on, and if I felt like recounting it, I could.

They say you should have one thing and be good at it. And so, at this one thing, I am a master.

But this is actually a positive note.  You see, even as the failure I am, I have managed a few successes that I felt it important to express.

• My daughter loves me.
• I have more friends that I can manage – I only wish I could spend more time with them.
• I have truly enjoyed my life, even with all the problems and failures I have encountered.
• I am mostly healthy.
• I have enough to live comfortably, although I can’t live to excess any longer.
• My daughter loves me, in case I missed that above.

But it seems that I am on hold, waiting for something, like Captain Algren. I have always needed something to fight for, to drive me forward.  I am looking for my destiny to be revealed, for someone to need me again.

And I sincerely hope she’s a redhead.

Cheers.