ADHD, Journeys, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

ADHD #3: The search for Dopamine

Leave a comment

TL;DR: I have always been searching for Dopamine, I just didn’t know it. I now have to unravel some very bad habits and its fucking hard. Thanks for sticking with me. Continue for details…

Dopamine, AMIRITE?

So many things about this one. Knowing I am ADHD is interesting. I have started a near full rewrite on my OS to accommodate for this fact. I have to review every existing mask from 40 years of development in order to figure out what is core functionality vs. legacy software that can be cleaned up or updated.

If you struggle to follow this analogy, you might need to first understand Software Development in an Operations area, commonly known as DevOps now. You might also need to understand what masks are. I will explain what I mean when I use these models so it makes sense, but I will also give you the option to skip it. I have recently become aware that what goes on in my brain to explain things is unique (just like everyone else) and I don’t want an undefined term to confuse someone. How can any of this effort I am putting into what is happening to me matter if I am confusing?

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

Under the Spoiler Tag are explanations of DevOps and Masking for those that want them. Are you surprised I took a detour anyway? Still? Wow. I am ADHD, remember?

Explanations
In my experience, before it was a defined thing, DevOps was really the same as performing maintenance on a Formula One Car during the race. They can’t afford to have downtime in those circumstances, so they have optimized their repair procedures to take as little time as possible. What they can take care of before and after the race, they will. But dealing with the circumstances of that many cars at those speeds and all of the things that can happen and making sure they are not off the track for more than a minute requires planning and a high operational knowledge of the race AND cars.

Masking is a social mask that we wear to appear Neurotypical when it isn’t acceptable to be ourselves. I can’t speak for others, but I have a different mask for almost everyone I know. There aren’t many I have let my guard down in front of completely.

My Big Masks are the Work Mask, Party Mask, Sex Mask, Gaming Mask, and Performance Mask. These are then modified for the particular group of people (or person) that I am with. Each of those groups have situations where I need that mask, but I can’t use all of it.

Some social situations are particularly fluid, and require lots of switching. A handful of people (who are probs ND, also) got to see ALL of my masks at one point or another, and a smaller number have seen me without any masks. I think maybe two, not including a few one-night stands that snuck through.

Back to the Search for Dopamine. I am doing a top to bottom rewrite of my masks so I only have a couple left to use when I actually need them, such as Work Mask and Party Mask. I might be able to get rid of the rest of them with some work, but I am having to be seriously and painfully honest with myself to get this far. My biggest fear is that when I am done cleaning up my Mask Software, there will be nothing left.

What does this have to do with Dopamine? Well, some of these masks required some destructive behaviours to be maintained. Party Mask, especially. I am working on that one so it will be available for coping with work when I start again. What I don’t want is to let addiction rule me, which ADHD folks are prone to do. So, I have a “sniffer” on and I limit my exposure to alcohol to when I know I am emotionally safe to do so and I have prepared for the driving thing. I think Lyft might consider me a partner soon, from all the $$$ I have given them in the last year.

But I will NOT drive drunk. I can still feel the handcuffs from the time I did right after my divorce was announced to me. Let me know if you want to know that story, as its kinda interesting. A cautionary tale, if you will.

Don’t Drink and Drive, folks!

Anyway, Party Mask is why I did Cocaine and was tricked into Opium (and why I started liking cows – another fun story) and also why I started drinking and smoking several different things. So much experimentation, but I never did anything with needles. Or hallucinogenic drugs after the Opium experience. I did NOT like that, although I am interested in mushrooms at some point, if I can find the right people to do them with. I am content if I do not, so don’t offer. I will seek someone out if I decide on that.

I really liked cocaine, though, and I did it exactly 5 times and then I quit for several reasons. I do not recommend starting it at all.

  • The First being it was the very first and last drug I did at work. It worked out, as I needed to do a lot of cleaning and man was it helpful for rearranging a game department. But I haven’t been under the influence at work since.
  • The Second was because I saw a future version of me that was dead from OD, and I decided right there that I wouldn’t touch it again. I had to remove a friend from my life because he was much further gone into addiction than I knew and eventually lied and stole from me. We became friends again many years later when he got clean, but it was very difficult to let him back into my life. But it was worth it to finally let that episode of my life go.

You see the race for Dopamine will send an ADHD’er down a black hole that can ruin your life, if you let it. I can quit things if I need and want to, but I sometimes need a kick. I am not proud of the times when I needed to be kicked, but I am still here and trying to dismantle what addictions I have in a manageable way. I can’t stop everything all at once, as I am not that strong. I am starting with my consumption of alcohol and figuring out my limits while still allowing for satisfying my need to novel random meetings of people. I fucking love random encounters.

But, I need to limit them, so I can spend time with my friends and family, as we don’t know how long any of us will be here. You are not promised tomorrow, so make today count. I have been reading some Stoicism stuff and that kinda stuck with me. Memento Mori, and all that.

I have had only one person with me during these experiments and it was quite unintentional. I was intending to go to bars alone, so I don’t burden others with my needs. But you found me out there, and I am glad you did. It has helped immensely. You know who you are, my friend. Thank you.

This means that my friendships are also being tested as I explore and discover who the hell I am and I am grateful to anyone that wants to be on this journey with me. And understand, I bear you no malice if you don’t want to or can’t. I love you all and I wish you all your very best life.

Anyway, this is a lot of writing and I am not sure I said anything useful, but it is now out of my head. I am ready to go think about something else. I hope you have a fantastic journey ahead of you and I thank you for being here.

Walking the Path,

Me.

Got something to say? Let me know!