It is hard enough to grieve.  Even harder, to accept that someone is gone and then move on.   That moment when you blow out the candle for that last time, to know that you will never see them again, is profound.  I have only had to do it a few times that are significant, but I have.  What brings this to the front of my mind is an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.  The episode is about a quelled rebellion on the surface, but it begins and ends with a candle.

Kira is remembering a lost loved one by chanting over a candle.  She is called away to do a mission, and ends up helping a former rebel proclaim he is running for Prime Minister after nearly entering a Civil War.  All ends well for them, as most Star Trek episodes go, but at the end she did something that was moving.  For 3 months she chanted over that candle; three months of grieving.  After this event, she quietly walked over to the candle, smiled in fond memory and blew it out.  Acceptance.

I have come to realize lately that I very likely have fewer days ahead than I have behind. I have been spending so very many days in exile in a job I don’t like in a place I don’t like.  And with my current plight, I don’t think I will be leaving it for a while.  I will likely be forced to downsize my life and live a more modest, Spartan lifestyle in service to others for a tragic mistake.  I am not angry and I understand what is happening.  I am making the best of it.

For very good reasons I made the sacrifice to move here and I don’t regret it.  I have met a large number of great people and have had wonderful experiences. But I still feel as though I am not home, like I should be somewhere else doing other things.  Like I missed a calling that I can’t understand.

And so I ponder what that might be and where that might lead me, before I enter the great expanse of time as a memory.  Before I Die.

I was once told by my dear friend Heather near my 22^nd birthday (I need to find that letter) that I should write an essay about Death so that I could understand it.  Until that candle went out, I didn’t really think I could, as I have been afraid of it for years and still am, to some degree. I think it is why I walked away from organized religion and why I abhor fixed beliefs.  It is why I have taken some of the chances I have and some that I haven’t.  It is why I play games and why I spend time in social circles.  I crave experience and social interaction, but I don’t know if I am being honest with everyone.  Especially myself.  Because time is running out, as they say.

But I digress.

Death comes for us all, King and Pauper alike.  No favorites, no social standing is immune. One day we will all take our Last Breath and find out what is next.  And we can never know what that will be until we are done. This is uncomfortable to some of you, I am sure, as I very much doubt I am alone in being afraid of the unknown.  This fact has caused more wars than almost any other thing. It has spawned religions, as our fear of the unknown sparked us to invent myths and legends that solved the problem.

Heaven.  Limbo.  Nirvana. The World Tree.  Axis Mundi.  Brahmāloka. Tian. Firdaus. The Elysium Fields.

All places to go when we are done toiling here, to live an eternal life in peace or to prepare to return to another life and do it again.  All substitutes for accepting death as a reality, in my humble opinion, as it is easier to be unafraid of death when you belief you won’t actually die; that you will continue on in another form or another place.  That is not acceptance.  That is transference, a form of risk management.

It is like buying an insurance policy.  I pay you premiums now and when I encounter the risk I am insuring against, you take all of the responsibility.  I have transferred responsibility for my death to you and now I can live free and without fear.

I personally think that this is the coward’s way out, but I if you can’t continue to live and prosper without putting it out of your mind, then so be it.  I have many things that I won’t face, and so that makes me a coward as well.  I suppose that puts us back on even ground.  I just won’t do it with this, as it is far too important.  Some examples.

People will accept a God into their life and then go about their days with this sense of security about things, like there is a shield around them to protect them and then get disillusioned when it doesn’t actually happen that way.  Like trying to ask for changes in a divine plan with prayer.  If you accept this being as omnipotent and omniscient, then all things happen when they happen as they should happen, regardless of your involvement.  Why even try? What is worse, is that many of the True Believers want to force others to believe the same way in some otherworldly Shanghai movement. Everyone on the boat, or else.

Then, there are those that just let the plan happen and step apart from the world, accepting the good with the bad with no real emotional attachment to it.  How can one be friends with someone like that?  If you live this way, you may find that you build no real relationships, as you don’t feel that this life is even relevant.  It is an illusion or a transitory moment in the cosmic scheme of things. Lonely to say the least, but they aren’t usually militant.

There are atheists who think we are done when we die and many feel that all other religions should be purged, as they hold us back.  I sometimes agree, but I don’t get militant.  I think that is wrong.  They have no acceptance and tolerance for others who are struggling with the same thing they are.   The most certain knowledge that they will Die.

There are still other variations on this theme that I have not yet encountered — and likely won’t — but they are all attempting to deal with one simple fact.

We will all take our Last Breath and we don’t know when.

Maybe next week.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe while you are reading this.  You don’t know when and you don’t know how, unless you have a terminal condition or something that will likely be the cause. In the face of that knowledge, knowing you have only so much time to live, are you going to waste it on a borrowed belief system?

I am not saying that any of the viewpoints about Death are wrong. I am saying you should face it head on, not like a coward running from something you fear, but as a friend that is motivating you to be your best.  Know for yourself that the reason you believe is to give you some Solace about the knowledge of Death, not for any other reason.  I give you this for free, and I hope it will help you.

You are dealing with the unknown in the best way you know how and that is ok.  Face it.  Live it.  Accept it. Be one with that knowledge and live with intention for the rest of the days you are given.

I will leave you with another Star Trek moment before I blow the candle out to help lighten the mood. One of my favorite things that Picard said was in response to a madman killing stars to find a kind of Heaven called the Nexus.  Picard was sifting through rubble to find a photo album, talking to his First Officer and grieving the recent destruction of the Enterprise.  I will leave you with this, and I hope I have brought some insight into a difficult topic.

RIKER: I’m going to miss this ship. She went before her time.

PICARD: Someone once told me that time is a predator that stalks us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment …because they’ll never come again.

What we leave behind is not as important as how we lived. …After all, Number One, we’re only mortal.

RIKER: Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.

Oh, and Heather:  It is finally done.

Walking the Path,

Chris

So, every once in a while, I search for people I knew when I was younger. In particular, a woman I once knew as a young man. Most days, I lose an hour searching and I don’t find her. Until today.

The most interesting thing about it is that as soon as I saw her, my heart leapt out of my chest and I was that young boy again. I wanted to talk to her, to just hear her voice again as I used to.  Such a deep connection we had, like soulmates, or at least it seemed that way.   Youth can delude you into thinking things are different until they are tempered with age.  And as I thought those feelings through, my mouse poised over the “Friend Request” button, I stopped.

I mean, she won’t feel that way anymore, as it was 27 years ago.  I looks like she is married, has children, a life.  Without me.  And even if I contacted her and I drummed all those old feelings in her, it is no different than last time.  We couldn’t be together now, any more than then.  I live here, she lives there.  She has things that will prevent it, as do I.  We were a moment in time, when things were not right for us to be together and it seems we always will be.

The memories are powerful and strong, as though I walked out of her life yesterday.   I seems like I was just running in the rain with her last week and going to dance all night just this weekend.  Playing on the swings and just talking all night long until we had to sleep so we could work the next day.  I mean, I even remember her fucking birthday.

And so, for just a moment, I was young again and in love with someone I had to walk away from because…it was the right thing to do.  Its like I just shut the door again and I have to get over her again.  It won’t take long this time, I am sure, but I will need to address it and why I am continuously drawn to her.

Wait.  I know why.  I remember why. And the mixture of pleasure and pain from that realization is exquisite.

I mean, I can’t even be angry at anyone but myself, as I should have known I would eventually find her again and the result would be this. It is at times like these when I really wish I was Data, so I could just shut off my emotion chip and get back to something productive. I will be ok, but I need to be offline for awhile, as I need to deal with this emotional cocktail I have mixed up for myself.

*sigh*

Tragedy, on the rocks, please.  And the tab.  I am done.

Walking the Path,

Chris

We are largely a product of the choices we make.  Things that we did when we were young have made other choices before us irrelevant or unavailable.  Also, certain other choices are only available to us because of those same choices.

For example:  I sometimes go to taverns alone and saddle up to the bar to talk to the bartender on duty.  There are times when this is all that happens; I have a conversation and sometimes a few drinks.

There are other times when people arrive and I also talk to them.   In certain cases,  those people really needed someone to listen and by making the choice to be there,  I made a difference in thier lives.  I know this because they gave me the feedback later when I saw them again.

And so,  I still go to taverns.   The downside of this is that I spend too much money sometimes.   But,  getting the real opportunity to help others *and* have fun with friends is worth almost any price.   For it is in these places that people with tough issues tend to hide or escape.  And for those of us with a Knight complex,  where we go to battle dragons and save the damsel in distress.

But other choices are more subtle.   Like not going to college. Or having a child at 16.  Not all of the choices you can no longer make are apparent to you when you make one of these  choices,  and they might never be.   There is a social stigma with some choices and some hefty consequences tied to them.  Like income potential or availability to pursue certain dreams.   They are sometimes just off the table and you generally won’t know it unless it is pointed out to you.  They don’t have to hold you back, but they likely will if you aren’t paying attention.

The most important thing I tried to teach my daughter was to own her choices and take accountability for them,  even if no one else demands it.   She has a great sense of honor and justice.  Some would say overdeveloped, but its hard to know when mine is the same way.

I tried to show her what this meant rather than just tell her.  I attempted to act with honor; I did my best and I failed sometimes.   The latter was hopefully as good of a lesson as the former, but only she can tell you that.

Ultimately, we are the sum of the choices we make, whether we are aware of all of them or not.  Many are made for us, by people we hand them over to; parents, employers, spouses, friends and sometimes even criminals.  It is hard to forget when you are faced with the choice of giving in or making a stand that you have a mortgage to pay or a kid in school.

Sometimes it is worth the risk, but many times, it is not.  Remember that most of these times the one forcing a choice from you knows that you have to take a risk and is counting on it influencing your final choice.  Thus, we trap ourselves by the things we buy and the choices we make into giving others our power.

I leave you with this:  The only true power you have in this world is your choice.  

If you saddle yourself with debt to buy that huge house or you have children before finishing college, understand that these things can be used against you to take your choices away.  And most likely, they will. That is the way of the world.

Live free. Choose well. Go forth and do great things.

Walking the Path,

Chris