2011 is done and we are on our way into the beginning of 2012.  I am amazed how many things can happen in a year and still make me feel unfulfilled and rather unaccomplished.  I know I have made strides this year in my life, but without this yearly writing, it is hard to quantify and therefore to accept.  And, as we all know acceptance is necessary for growth.

I went through some tough things that made me reevaluate my life.  Here is the short list, not in any particular order.  They were all pretty significant to me, and all of them affected me, each in their own way.  I shall catalog them for you now.

Aurianna went to College.  Although I am excited for her, it was rather rough on me to see my little girl advance to this stage in her life.  That really isn’t true at all.  It is more that I have to advance to this stage of my life.  I wrote about that in detail here, so I will not elaborate on it again.  But that leads to the next item.

 My house is now empty.  For the first time in many years, no one is living at my home but me.  This is a blessing and a curse, as although I finally have my home to myself, I am also completely alone most of the time I am there.  Aside from the insects that generally avoid me, there are no living things in here but me.  Combined with the other things that have happened, this can be difficult to bear.

I find that some days are harder than others.  Granted, it would be that way anyway, as that is just how life is.  In this case, however, I find that sometimes the silence is maddening and I have to play music or TV to make sure I don’t go crazy.  Other days, I just leave the house.  Those are when I go to bars or walk through a store or something to forget that I am alone.

Still, I like that the mess I leave is the mess I will have when I get home.  It is my domain and I can determine what happens here with some measure of certainty that no one else will mess it up unless I am involved.  So, it is a mixed bag of fun.  I miss my girl, but I am making the best of my time alone as best as I can.

 Several good friends passed on.  People die.  It is the way of life to have a beginning and an end.   I don’t know what that means to you, but to me it means one simple thing.  Live for today, for tomorrow we may die.  Make it happen, people.  Make it happen.  ‘Nuff said.

Vangie moved to Texas.  It was a great move for her, but was a bit depressing for me.  I really should have put more time into our friendship.   Years ago, she listened to me vent about my life and helped me through some rough times.  Later, we were able to just relax together, converse and watch sci-fi together.  It was a wonderful thing, having her here.  I will miss our conversations.

I will count it among my greatest mistakes that I did not get more involved in that friendship.  We will still talk here and there, and I will visit when I can, but we both have limited vacation and money preventing anything more.  It will have to do.

I was made to change jobs, pretty much against my will.  Although I still managed to travel to Puerto Rico and the UK, I once again missed out on China.  I am rather bitter about this part of the year and I am taking steps to embrace the change and make it better, but it is still a change that I will struggle with daily.  I don’t necessarily like what I do, although I have a good group of people that I get to do it with.  I can weather any storm (except one, which I won’t talk about) and I so I will weather this.

It is my fault, as I had let myself get complacent and networked far less than I had in the past.  If things work out this year, I will be doing more of the things I want.  Plans are in motion.  We shall see how it goes.

I made some solid friendships that will likely last my whole life.  I can make friends anywhere at any time with very little effort.  I have never met a stranger, as my daughter tells me, so I tend to meet many people and attempt to connect to everyone I can so that I can learn and enjoy all that the diverse population of this planet has to offer.  This is one of several reasons people compare me to Captain Kirk at times.  He was quite the extravert and a bit of a party animal.

However, those are not the truly deep relationships that are fulfilling, as they require more effort and time. I value everyone I meet, as everyone has something to offer.  Still, there are a few people that I got a change to get to know this year that mean more to me that anyone.  And, for the first time in my life I have more female friends that I do male ones.   It wasn’t on purpose, and I really wasn’t prepared for it. For reasons I won’t explain, I won’t mention names, but you know who you are.

And seriously, you know it is gonna be a fantastic friendship when the first conversation goes like this:

Me:  Excuse me, did I just hear you say, “handcuffs and anal beads?”

Her:  Why yes, yes you did.

And the rest is history.

I lost about 15# as of today. Not much else to say about that.  From here on out you will steadily see less of me.  I have already started trying on older, smaller clothes and some of them fit.  I am looking forward to being in shape again.  I already feel better.

I have been struggling a bit with the new diet, as being alone makes me want to binge eat, so I have to prevent myself from bring things into the house that would be bad for me.  Lots of Salads and low-fat meals.  🙂

I started a novel.  I am in Chapter 10.  It is going slow and it will likely be crap over all, but it will get written this year.  I am enjoying the process, although I have had precious little time to write with the Holidays and such.  Now that the New Year has started, I expect I will be able to get more time to write once Aurianna heads back to college.  And that leads me to the final one.

I still live in Arkansas.  I expected at this time that I would be living in Phoenix when I set the plans in motion years ago, in reaction to Aurianna wanting to study at a school there.  Do to money, timing, and various other things, we ended up staying here and she is going to a fantastic school in Batesville, Arkansas.  It has an environment that she loves and she is doing well there. We both would like to have been elsewhere, but we are doing our best.  She will get her degree, and it appears it will be here.

But, I still live in Arkansas.  This is not where I fit best, but I have made the best of it.  I have good friends, a good job, and enough money to survive while getting Aurianna through college.  It is sometimes scary, as I never know what may happen to screw it all up, but I am focused on making sure it all works.

And so ends 2011, with no fanfare and no fireworks.  It was a good year, with some decent changes to keep me guessing.  I am certain I missed something that happened, as these were certainly not the only things that happened.  If I missed something that was significant to you, I am sorry.   I have reasons for not revealing everything that happened, not the least of which, I want to finish this before it becomes a novel itself.

To conclude, I don’t have everything I want and my plans for life are different that I would have chosen.  I don’t have a lot of extra money or time to do what I want.  I don’t have anyone in my life that I can share the most intimate moments with.  Woe is me, right?

Wrong.

I am alive and (mostly) healthy.  My daughter is doing well.  I have what I need and I can always improve on that.  I have good friends and I really don’t need intimacy that badly, at least not now.  I will have that later, once I have finally done something for me.

And so we begin 2012, on the way up and ready to go higher.   Everybody ready?

Make it so, Number one.  Make it so.

As I stare at the picture I found while looking for something, I know I have been lying to myself. And, as such, to everyone else.

She was so small, so gentle, so innocent. I changed that. I introduced her to the world and now she has baggage like the rest of us. I had to; it was my duty. I understand this and I do not regret it. It had to be done. Still, I reflect on the state of affairs and can’t help but feel it.

I was not ready for my girl to grow up, even though I guided and prodded it along. She was there long before she knew it; before I knew it. And then she was gone. Out the door into her life. Daddy’s little girl isn’t any more.

She is in college. She has a boyfriend and many other friends. Certainly, we are still friends and I am not upset that she is grown up. I am so very proud of her and the way she lives. She has a strong moral code and expects others to have one as well. And yet, she doesn’t push hers on them, but insists that they not push theirs on her. She fights for what she believes is right, even if it is not by force. She is a friend of the artful brush and of spirited word. She uses them to make people happy, including herself. She is truly an artist in her heart and it makes me extremely proud.

So when I say I was not ready for her to grow up, I don’t mean that I didn’t want it or that I regret her doing so.  I meant *I* wasn’t ready.

I really didn’t prepare for the open world ahead of me. Although I am there when she needs me, mostly for money or an ear to help with a problem, she rarely does need me now. I have prepared her well to deal with the people of the world, those that would help her and hurt her, and how to know the difference.

I love my girl. I love her more than I love anything else, as anyone who knows me at all can clearly tell without me saying it. I just don’t really love myself. And now that I find myself alone, like Inigo Mantoya, done with my quest.  And, like him (insert Spanish accent here) I just don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.

I feel like I am setting sea on the ocean with no course and a strong wind at my back, hurling me out to see. Only, I don’t know how to sail. And I don’t know where to go or where I want to be. I can literally go anywhere in the world. Where to now? What great adventure awaits?

Oddly, I am still motivated by my daughter who told me, “Daddy, I want you to do what you want to do. Be happy now.” And so I struggle with the question, as the tears well up in my eyes, so that I will not disappoint the only person in the world who truly knows me and loves me anyway. I can barely read the words on the screen through the liquid that shows the pain on my face on its way to the floor.

So, my dearest daughter, I will figure it out.   Don’t you worry about me.  I will do something. I don’t know what, yet, but I will. I will. Very soon, I will dig myself out of this dark place I am in, that I had buried until I saw this picture today.  But as I clear out the rubble, all I can hear in my head are these words.

I was not ready.

Just like the song says, I just couldn’t wait to get on the road again. Until I am on the road, it seems, and then I realize the cost of the trip. Not in dollars, but in lost time.

The closer it got ready to leave, the more I didn’t want to go. Don’t get me wrong; this is the opportunity of a lifetime. I won’t get the opportunity to travel like this again until I buy my boat and retire on it. On a side note, I should probably start studying about sailboats, or make friends with a genius mechanic before I leave…

Anyway.

Aurianna and I began hugging more and more as the time to leave got closer and closer until this morning, when we were pretty much clinging to each other. Our relationship is a great one, and it is something I will treasure forever. We both know the things I am doing will be better for us in the long run. But right now, the goodbyes are tough.

So, we will talk over Skype every night we can, and use emails and Facebook updates to stay connected while I am gone. She has friends that will make sure she is taken care of and I will be busy with work. This is not a play trip, by the way, even if I do get a little time for sight seeing. This one will be hard for me, requiring me to be on my game the entire time. Luckily I will have some great people there to work with.

Which brings me to my point. Great people. I seem to encounter them everywhere I go. There comes a point when I began to see that part of the reason I continually have similar experiences is because I am consistent in my behavior.

For example, Walmart has a 10-foot rule that every associate is supposed to follow. This means, that whenever a customer gets within 10 feet of you, you are supposed to smile and greet them. It is part of the guiding principles of the company; Respect for the individual, Strive for Excellence, and Service to the customer. This rule hits all three to me and so I practice it a little stronger than most people, although I think it is the way Sam would have wanted it to be practiced. I never met him, but all the evidence points to this.

To me, everyone is my customer. This means, as often as I can, I smile and greet people. I also try to get in a short conversation with almost everyone I meet. I am what you might call a people person, although I am rather shy and I have to make myself talk to people! Most people do not believe that, but inside I see it happening. Thinking about what I can say to appeal to the person to open up and be friendly. Because no one wants to talk to an asshole. Seriously.

I was once told, when I was feeling a bit worthless, that I had a special gift. The statement was, “You can make people feel good about themselves when they don’t want to.” That phrase stuck with me, along with many others, and has driven me to strive for it in my everyday life.

As I travel, this becomes harder, as I meet other cultures and I have to adjust to their way of thinking to make that initial appeal to start friendly conversation. It is something that I love and something that I am good at, even though I am shy. Despite wanting to sit alone in the dark most of the time, I make myself get out there – even in other countries – and talk to people. Make them feel better about themselves if I can, or let them share wonderful stories about their culture with me. I find it incredibly fulfilling.

I was put here to serve. To help others as much as possible. To make this world a better place than the one that was thrust upon me. For those that understand, I personally love the taste of vinegar.

And so, I want to close with this thought to my daughter, as we are apart. Remember when I said everything I do, I do for you? Well, that seems slightly wrong and martyr-like, so let me rephrase.  I hope you will understand, from a father to a daughter, my full meaning.

As you wish.

I’ll see you again soon.  😀

Recently, I have been made aware, in nearly every facet of my life, that this is true.  Everyone seems to put more stock in what appears to be true instead of what is true.  What’s worse, is they actually know it most of the time, but it is to their advantage to act as if it is not.  It is really about one simple thing: Power.

You have heard the phrase, “Knowledge is Power,” I am certain.   It is true, for the most part.  I have found that the long phrase was probably more like, “If you can make someone believe something is true, whether or not it is, you can control them.  That Knowledge is Power.”  I have that knowledge, but I also have something else that prevents me from using it.

I have a Code of Honor.  That code prevents me from using my abilities, no matter how adept at them I have become, for anything that will benefit me at the expense of another.  This has cost me in my career, in my failed marriage, in my life as a whole, but I do not regret it.  I have friends that I can trust that I would not have had without my Code.

The problem is that there are many out there that do not have a Code.  Or, at least not as restrictive as mine. And those people are perfectly willing to stifle others growth to make themselves stronger.  To harm others for personal gain.  Personally, it offends me, but in the Information Age, a Code seems as outdated as the abacus and useful in almost as many situations.  Still, I have it and it is highly unlikely I will get rid of it.

A friend once told me that once you can fake sincerity, you can fake anything.  I believe that this is a true statement.  It is also true that if you lie with the dogs, you will catch fleas.  Nothing against your dog, of course.  I am referencing the wild ones – the ones out in the world where the nasty stuff is.  The strays that you are afraid of.  That is until your lies and deceit make you one of them.

I guess I am just voicing dark frustration at the world we live in.  It angers me, disturbs me and makes me want to get on a ship and sail off into the black, leaving all this behind.  I know I can’t do that, as I am trapped here like the rest of you, trying to make my way.

Lost and hungry in the woods, everyone is trying to find a safe shelter where they cannot be harmed, willing to do anything to be the one who gets the cave to themselves instead of taking less and sharing the cave with the rest of us.  Instead, they make us all fight for the scraps because we are not willing to be ruthless.  It is hard, sometimes, not to just take it from them.  To abandon my noble heart, be the villain of the story and prosper.  It is tempting…

Anyway, I am nearing the end of the story now, so bear with me.  Let me finish with story, then, that will sum up how I am feeling.   Many years ago, more than I care to tell, a friend of mine wrote a story and asked me to read it.  I did.  And I have been forever changed.

I remember it mostly now, as an idea, so I may not get it correct now.  Forgive me, Leon, as I butcher it in summary.  The important thing in this story is that he chose to put me in as the main character, and it hit me hard.  Sometimes, I sit and brood and think of this story.

As it ends, so does this blog entry.  I hope you enjoy it.

There was a man that had found himself in a barbaric world that was not his own.  He was not a fighter, scholar or scientist, but a simple story teller on the world he had come from.  The only way to survive was to tell stories to the barbarians in hopes that they would not kill him.

Our setting for this excerpt was this man’s home, sitting with his friends over a glass of wine discussing life.  His friends noticed him brooding over his wine glass and asked him what was going on with him.  With great coaxing and the freeing spirits in his glass, he let them in on the fact that the stories they had read about traveling to the barbaric world of his stories were true, and how he had survived in the world he had been sent to with the stories that they had all read.

They told him how the trip was very fruitful for him,  as the books he had written on the adventures where netting him many benefits.  They laughed, mostly at him, not believing him.  He nodded his head and raised his glass, then tilted it to his lips to drain it.  He sat in silence, watching his friends.

They goaded him for awhile, and made jokes about how he is such a great story teller.

He continued to brood.

This went on for sometime, while he just sat staring at the empty glass, until one of them finally asked him, “So, I must ask.  How did you finally get back from that horrible place?”

He raised his head, and after a long silence, he addressed them.

“I didn’t”, he said grimly, “I’m still here.”