As I stare at the picture I found while looking for something, I know I have been lying to myself. And, as such, to everyone else.

She was so small, so gentle, so innocent. I changed that. I introduced her to the world and now she has baggage like the rest of us. I had to; it was my duty. I understand this and I do not regret it. It had to be done. Still, I reflect on the state of affairs and can’t help but feel it.

I was not ready for my girl to grow up, even though I guided and prodded it along. She was there long before she knew it; before I knew it. And then she was gone. Out the door into her life. Daddy’s little girl isn’t any more.

She is in college. She has a boyfriend and many other friends. Certainly, we are still friends and I am not upset that she is grown up. I am so very proud of her and the way she lives. She has a strong moral code and expects others to have one as well. And yet, she doesn’t push hers on them, but insists that they not push theirs on her. She fights for what she believes is right, even if it is not by force. She is a friend of the artful brush and of spirited word. She uses them to make people happy, including herself. She is truly an artist in her heart and it makes me extremely proud.

So when I say I was not ready for her to grow up, I don’t mean that I didn’t want it or that I regret her doing so.  I meant *I* wasn’t ready.

I really didn’t prepare for the open world ahead of me. Although I am there when she needs me, mostly for money or an ear to help with a problem, she rarely does need me now. I have prepared her well to deal with the people of the world, those that would help her and hurt her, and how to know the difference.

I love my girl. I love her more than I love anything else, as anyone who knows me at all can clearly tell without me saying it. I just don’t really love myself. And now that I find myself alone, like Inigo Mantoya, done with my quest.  And, like him (insert Spanish accent here) I just don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.

I feel like I am setting sea on the ocean with no course and a strong wind at my back, hurling me out to see. Only, I don’t know how to sail. And I don’t know where to go or where I want to be. I can literally go anywhere in the world. Where to now? What great adventure awaits?

Oddly, I am still motivated by my daughter who told me, “Daddy, I want you to do what you want to do. Be happy now.” And so I struggle with the question, as the tears well up in my eyes, so that I will not disappoint the only person in the world who truly knows me and loves me anyway. I can barely read the words on the screen through the liquid that shows the pain on my face on its way to the floor.

So, my dearest daughter, I will figure it out.   Don’t you worry about me.  I will do something. I don’t know what, yet, but I will. I will. Very soon, I will dig myself out of this dark place I am in, that I had buried until I saw this picture today.  But as I clear out the rubble, all I can hear in my head are these words.

I was not ready.

Just like the song says, I just couldn’t wait to get on the road again. Until I am on the road, it seems, and then I realize the cost of the trip. Not in dollars, but in lost time.

The closer it got ready to leave, the more I didn’t want to go. Don’t get me wrong; this is the opportunity of a lifetime. I won’t get the opportunity to travel like this again until I buy my boat and retire on it. On a side note, I should probably start studying about sailboats, or make friends with a genius mechanic before I leave…

Anyway.

Aurianna and I began hugging more and more as the time to leave got closer and closer until this morning, when we were pretty much clinging to each other. Our relationship is a great one, and it is something I will treasure forever. We both know the things I am doing will be better for us in the long run. But right now, the goodbyes are tough.

So, we will talk over Skype every night we can, and use emails and Facebook updates to stay connected while I am gone. She has friends that will make sure she is taken care of and I will be busy with work. This is not a play trip, by the way, even if I do get a little time for sight seeing. This one will be hard for me, requiring me to be on my game the entire time. Luckily I will have some great people there to work with.

Which brings me to my point. Great people. I seem to encounter them everywhere I go. There comes a point when I began to see that part of the reason I continually have similar experiences is because I am consistent in my behavior.

For example, Walmart has a 10-foot rule that every associate is supposed to follow. This means, that whenever a customer gets within 10 feet of you, you are supposed to smile and greet them. It is part of the guiding principles of the company; Respect for the individual, Strive for Excellence, and Service to the customer. This rule hits all three to me and so I practice it a little stronger than most people, although I think it is the way Sam would have wanted it to be practiced. I never met him, but all the evidence points to this.

To me, everyone is my customer. This means, as often as I can, I smile and greet people. I also try to get in a short conversation with almost everyone I meet. I am what you might call a people person, although I am rather shy and I have to make myself talk to people! Most people do not believe that, but inside I see it happening. Thinking about what I can say to appeal to the person to open up and be friendly. Because no one wants to talk to an asshole. Seriously.

I was once told, when I was feeling a bit worthless, that I had a special gift. The statement was, “You can make people feel good about themselves when they don’t want to.” That phrase stuck with me, along with many others, and has driven me to strive for it in my everyday life.

As I travel, this becomes harder, as I meet other cultures and I have to adjust to their way of thinking to make that initial appeal to start friendly conversation. It is something that I love and something that I am good at, even though I am shy. Despite wanting to sit alone in the dark most of the time, I make myself get out there – even in other countries – and talk to people. Make them feel better about themselves if I can, or let them share wonderful stories about their culture with me. I find it incredibly fulfilling.

I was put here to serve. To help others as much as possible. To make this world a better place than the one that was thrust upon me. For those that understand, I personally love the taste of vinegar.

And so, I want to close with this thought to my daughter, as we are apart. Remember when I said everything I do, I do for you? Well, that seems slightly wrong and martyr-like, so let me rephrase.  I hope you will understand, from a father to a daughter, my full meaning.

As you wish.

I’ll see you again soon.  😀

Recently, I have been made aware, in nearly every facet of my life, that this is true.  Everyone seems to put more stock in what appears to be true instead of what is true.  What’s worse, is they actually know it most of the time, but it is to their advantage to act as if it is not.  It is really about one simple thing: Power.

You have heard the phrase, “Knowledge is Power,” I am certain.   It is true, for the most part.  I have found that the long phrase was probably more like, “If you can make someone believe something is true, whether or not it is, you can control them.  That Knowledge is Power.”  I have that knowledge, but I also have something else that prevents me from using it.

I have a Code of Honor.  That code prevents me from using my abilities, no matter how adept at them I have become, for anything that will benefit me at the expense of another.  This has cost me in my career, in my failed marriage, in my life as a whole, but I do not regret it.  I have friends that I can trust that I would not have had without my Code.

The problem is that there are many out there that do not have a Code.  Or, at least not as restrictive as mine. And those people are perfectly willing to stifle others growth to make themselves stronger.  To harm others for personal gain.  Personally, it offends me, but in the Information Age, a Code seems as outdated as the abacus and useful in almost as many situations.  Still, I have it and it is highly unlikely I will get rid of it.

A friend once told me that once you can fake sincerity, you can fake anything.  I believe that this is a true statement.  It is also true that if you lie with the dogs, you will catch fleas.  Nothing against your dog, of course.  I am referencing the wild ones – the ones out in the world where the nasty stuff is.  The strays that you are afraid of.  That is until your lies and deceit make you one of them.

I guess I am just voicing dark frustration at the world we live in.  It angers me, disturbs me and makes me want to get on a ship and sail off into the black, leaving all this behind.  I know I can’t do that, as I am trapped here like the rest of you, trying to make my way.

Lost and hungry in the woods, everyone is trying to find a safe shelter where they cannot be harmed, willing to do anything to be the one who gets the cave to themselves instead of taking less and sharing the cave with the rest of us.  Instead, they make us all fight for the scraps because we are not willing to be ruthless.  It is hard, sometimes, not to just take it from them.  To abandon my noble heart, be the villain of the story and prosper.  It is tempting…

Anyway, I am nearing the end of the story now, so bear with me.  Let me finish with story, then, that will sum up how I am feeling.   Many years ago, more than I care to tell, a friend of mine wrote a story and asked me to read it.  I did.  And I have been forever changed.

I remember it mostly now, as an idea, so I may not get it correct now.  Forgive me, Leon, as I butcher it in summary.  The important thing in this story is that he chose to put me in as the main character, and it hit me hard.  Sometimes, I sit and brood and think of this story.

As it ends, so does this blog entry.  I hope you enjoy it.

There was a man that had found himself in a barbaric world that was not his own.  He was not a fighter, scholar or scientist, but a simple story teller on the world he had come from.  The only way to survive was to tell stories to the barbarians in hopes that they would not kill him.

Our setting for this excerpt was this man’s home, sitting with his friends over a glass of wine discussing life.  His friends noticed him brooding over his wine glass and asked him what was going on with him.  With great coaxing and the freeing spirits in his glass, he let them in on the fact that the stories they had read about traveling to the barbaric world of his stories were true, and how he had survived in the world he had been sent to with the stories that they had all read.

They told him how the trip was very fruitful for him,  as the books he had written on the adventures where netting him many benefits.  They laughed, mostly at him, not believing him.  He nodded his head and raised his glass, then tilted it to his lips to drain it.  He sat in silence, watching his friends.

They goaded him for awhile, and made jokes about how he is such a great story teller.

He continued to brood.

This went on for sometime, while he just sat staring at the empty glass, until one of them finally asked him, “So, I must ask.  How did you finally get back from that horrible place?”

He raised his head, and after a long silence, he addressed them.

“I didn’t”, he said grimly, “I’m still here.”