I’ve found during my mental health journey over the last 2 decades that I still don’t know what is the right decision or the wrong one. Based on what I know at the time, I take certain paths only to find that I’ve, once again, lost my way.

I try very hard not to hurt anyone with my choices, but it seems that I’m not capable of doing anything without someone paying a price. And that someone is usually not me. Well, not just me.

What’s worse is the ripple effect on that choice. The impact of what we do is almost always larger than we plan for. I’ve learned to minimize most of the damage to just myself where I can. Many times, the impact is beyond my ability to discern.

I’ve been trying to figure out who I am for what seems like an eternity now, and I’m not really any closer than I was before. It seems like I’m doing well, I make a choice that seems like the best for everyone, and I find out I’m wrong.

I’ve realized that I need certain things: physical touch, words of affirmation (sometimes) and novel communication. It’s very hard to attain all three in a relationship, as no one can fulfill all three. This is what first made me understand that I’m polyamorous. Another clue is that I don’t stop loving anyone. Ever.

This means, if I am reminded of someone I once loved, I get to feel it all over again at the same intensity, including the break up. Sometimes these are full on flashbacks and I just break for a minute until I process it.

At this point, everything reminds me of someone I love and it’s maddening. If I hear a certain song, or watch a particular movie, or go to a place where I had an experience with someone, I feel all the emotions associated with that song, movie or place. Some days, I have to isolate myself to keep my sanity. I find that I hit next on many songs on my standard playlist now, as more and more of them remind me of someone I have lost or hurt in my past.

And what’s worse, one memory of a loved one cascades into the next, and I just phase out of existence, lost in the flashbacks. If you’ve ever seen me space out for no obvious reason, it’s likely this is the cause. I am lost in a memory.

I sit now, in a bar, wondering what to do with the rest of my life. I’d prefer to do acting, music or something similar, and I know I have the talent for it. It’s just the confidence to actually do it. I’ve tried writing, but I can’t finish anything. Hell, I have more posts in drafts than I have published.

Still, I haven’t quit yet, and therapy is helping alot. I really hope I get to the point where I am doing Epic and Awesome things. I feel like I am close to a breakthrough, but as usual, the veil is invisible for now. sigh.

Until then, Chop Wood, Carry Water.

Walking the Path,

Me.