@creatingwonders Daily Reminder 😌
♬ original sound – Jesse J. Pedigo
Exactly this.
My good friend John Wick said recently that if you would write it in your diary, you shouldn’t post it online. I replied, “Welp. I’m doing it wrong.” And I meant it. But I also am doing it wrong on purpose. It’s the only way for me to get better. I have to share, even if noone reads it. It’s a moral imperative.
I have been hiding specifics from a thing many of you already know about. I think it is hurting me at a much higher rate than I expected by not sharing — it’s like I am bleeding out inside some days. And the worst part? I am ready for it, if it happens. I don’t want it, but I won’t try to stop it anymore. Life does what Life does.
That said, I want to get better. I want to heal this shit. I want to get back to laughing at life and not dreading it. My fear is, like climate change, I might be too late. I can really only try to mitigate the damage from here. But I will not stop trying. A rest here and there, and compassion and kindness to myself as I do it, but Try, I Will.
Also, fuck Yoda’s bullshit. You can’t know if you can or can’t unless you fucking try. Trying IS doing. The Jedi (and the Sith, but worse) are really fucked up, you know? THIS is why we have trauma. Damn.
Sorry. That has been bugging me for awhile.
Trigger Warning: Without removing the need for the spoilers, please understand the following is a recount of my car accident. It is mostly unedited and raw, and may be hard to follow at times. I opened the gate and just let it flow. I don’t know how it will affect you, but if you aren’t sure, there is no shame in skipping it.
10 years ago this week, I was in a car accident and totaled my BMW. A passenger in the other car — I say her name in my head every time I think about it, but I won’t speak it aloud.
That sentence was not complete on purpose to illustrate how my brain works. You see, I have now paused that experience to prepare for the unmistakable flashbacks that are about to occur. I can only do this for a minute, and then I will be viewing them. During this time, I dissociate, but still manage to handle basic functions, like writing with blues in the background. Like right now. Oh, here it is
— was killed on impact. I didn’t know this yet, because there was smoke in the cab and I had to get my kid out of the car. It was very painful to open the door with a broken hand, but I didn’t know that yet either, so I did it anyway. I got my kid out of the car and went to see about the other car. When I got there, I saw them both in the car, unconscious. I noticed a second condition on her, however. She was also dead. Very clearly, and most unequivocally, dead. And I had just killed her.
Not on purpose, not an intention I wanted, but the impact was clear and permanent. Regardless of why or how, I had taken a life. And I knew then I would deal with it for the rest of my life. At that very moment, I was also worried about prison and what would happen to my family, and what the other family was going to do and how could I fix this no you can’t you are just finished. End of life. Fuck.
And then, I am on the side of the road on the cold ground waiting for it, hand throbbing, freezing, but absolutely uncaring. I did not want to continue living at that moment.
And then, someone put a blanket on me. I might have tried to refuse, but it gets fuzzy from here and jumps a bit and I remember it out of order.
Oh! There was a scare that a baby was in the car and had been thrown clear, but it turns out they were grandparents and had a car seat for their grandkid. This one didn’t hit me until the next family gathering. Holidays have kinda sucked for me since then. I struggle to be around people around the holidays, now.
Several people started yelling at me early in this encounter, for various reasons. When they began to realize I wasn’t some crazy drunk, they stopped and I remember some of them trying to help me. Then there were lots of lights and police and paramedics and such all around. I was sitting on the ground for most of it.
I tried to get a drink of water at one point, but the police officer said I couldn’t until I had been drug tested. I remember being very compliant. I also remember them having to put the blanket on me several times after that, because I didn’t deserve to not be in pain when she was dead.
Suddenly to me, it was time to go to the hospital for drug testing (only high levels of caffeine were found) and to get checked out. I grabbed a few things from the car and got into the back of the cop car with Jaz. It gets really fuzzy from here. The things I remember:
- Jaz was okay after x-rays and I had a broken hand.
- Someone was coming to pick us up.
- The driver of the other car was shaken, but ok.
- The passenger of the other car had been killed.
The Officer that informed me of things was very nice, and sat quietly with me while I cried about that last point. I was informed that I was free to go when the doctors released me, and there were no charges filed.
I have almost no memory of events after this until I was back in my house some days later. I don’t even remember how I got home. Thank you, to whomever that was.
I remember going to the bar to get drunk, as I was scheduled to get on a plane the next morning for Dark Con 2012. I was kicked out of the bar for threatening someone while I was drunk, which I had not remembered at all. I just remember Rachael saying, “Rockstar, you need to go home. Now.”
And then I was home, and then I was at Dark Con. I met Meg Foster – she was so concerned for my broken hand – and saw many friends, and cried a lot and then I was back at my house in Arkansas. I don’t remember the flights on either end. When I got there, I went back to work, getting rides from folks because I had no car.
Once I got the insurance money for the totaled car, I bought Clifford, the Big Red Truck for some damn reason and drove it until just last year.
8 months later I was arrested for Negligent Manslaughter with no warning. That story is for another time, when I have the spoons to tell it. But, I am now an ex-convict, and I have served my sentence.
The inevitable apology: I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused too many of you. I love you all and I’m working on a better me. I find it’s far more difficult than I thought, as I dig through my past to fix my future. It is downright nightmarish, as — PLOT TWIST — I found a ton more trauma that I wasn’t dealing with. And some of that was the way I treated people.
I am so sorry. I might make some personal apologies, where that might help the other person, but if it only helps me? I will leave it in therapy, most often. My poor therapist.
If you feel I owe you an apology, I will not be offended if you ask. As I said, my memory of events is sketchy at best. I am open to buy you lunch or a drink and chat about it.
I am not asking to talk about this specifically, but if you want to engage with questions, I will answer them. At this point, if my experience can prevent another accident or help someone through one, I am willing to open my heart to you. I never want anyone else to feel this way. If you do or have felt this way, then…
Most importantly, although I have let them know they don’t have to read this, I apologize to my Spawn, Jaz, for the trauma that was inflicted upon them in this experience. I can’t know what effect it had on them, but I know it was severe. I will not relate anything about their experience in the accident beyond this account, as that is their story to tell. This is in no way endorsing questioning them about this experience, either. Please be respectful. They will talk if they want to. Thank you.
So! I’ll be from here. I can’t be selfish anymore or hurt others because I haven’t dealt with this.
Will I be in another relationship? No idea, really. I know right now I can’t be in a committed relationship and I abruptly ended my last one in a blur of emotions. I am not proud of it, but I can’t change it now. I honestly don’t think I could have done it any differently. It seems, I am my own friend with benefits until I figure me out.
, as the poem says. I guess my adventure starts today.
Walking the Path,
Me.