“Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing.”
– Harper Lee
TL;DR: I can read again! At least, I am reading a book that isn’t a technical or game manual! Excite! Continue for details…
Notes for the reader:
If you didn’t know, I have PTSD from various things, and I am an IT Burnout. I spent so much time reading manuals and programming references while on various stimulating substances for many years and it has now taken its toll. I am rebuilding myself slowly. I have not read a book for pleasure unless it was an audiobook and I was on a long drive alone. That does not happen often.
“The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast. And you have burned so brightly, Roy.” – Bladerunner
Back to your regularly scheduled program, with no further interruptions.
– Editor
I have spent the last 15+ years unable to read more than a few pages of any book that was not a technical manual. And then, I only have that luxury when I am attempting to complete a particular task. I have wanted to read so many books, but ADHD combined with IT burnout made this very difficult.
At least, until I found Piper CJ (linktree) on TikTok. I started following her for folklore info (to help with GMing) and because she was as close to a Fæ as I will ever meet – did I mention I am in therapy?
As I learned about folklore, I also learned of a Book she had written and published herself. Shortly after I bought a copy (which she said had many errors, as she has since had it edited for the current version), she announced an exclusive edition with Barnes & Noble. I…also bought that, as the announcement was for a series of 3. I have a signed copy of 2 and will for 3 as well, but for the first one, I missed the signed copy. I expect I will meet Piper one day at a convention and have her sign it there. Also, the Exclusive additions have her novellas about the world and I am looking forward to those as well.
The important thing for me is that I have books One and Two and I am halfway through One. I am enjoying it so far and I read for perhaps an hour or more at a time. It is coming back slowly, and I get lost in thought a lot and have to re-read sections, but I am reading again.
Trigger Warnings for the book: It has some very jarring scenes and she warns folks of Sexual Content, including Sexual Assault. There is no shortage of Violence, as well. I have encountered all of this so far and I will say she definitely understands the emotion behind it and handles it well. If you have those triggers, however, I want to ensure you know before reading. It is a bi-romance fantasy, as Piper has described, and it has lived up to that so far.
Anywayyyyy.
I am excited about this new chapter of my life. There are so many books I have bought and couldn’t read, but was hoping it was the one. Assuming I can actually finish this series, I will be picking up those other books and enjoying a relaxing read as often as I can.
That’s all for now! Thank you for listening and I hope you will all remember:
The Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
-Gloria Stienem
TL;DR: I can solve complex problems in my head, if I have the data. But when I don’t have the data, I can’t usually act until I have considered all the options. When I have more than one going at a time, I might just shutdown. This shit is gonna kill me. Continue for details. I enjoyed getting this out of my brain, but this one is a ramble…
I have always had the ability to just work things out from what is happening around me in order to make optimal choices to remain safe. I can see in my mind the many possibilities that can happen and choose one to help me. However, I can get into a paralysis state that can make me just act on available data to avoid freezing up. Sometimes, that leads to bad judgement.
I now interrupt this older post for something that happened today that provides an example. I was physically shaking and starting on a high when I wrote this. We will now take a sharp turn in this conversation.
A bizarre series of events, primarily the collection of the Universe’s Choices, led me to realize I needed to sharply look at life. To briefly talk about one of the bizarre series of events: I was in a car accident today. I am ok, but I have other things to talk about. Bear with me, as I explain.
Or, you know, don’t. But that’s all I am saying right now about it.
Here is how I feel right now about it, and it starts with the statement, “I believe in the possibility of Star Fleet.“
SPOILER: A quote from Tuvok, to help Illustrate (S6E8 'One Small Step'):
Seven wanted to destroy something that she felt was endangering the ship and told Tuvok. He responded with, “We can’t predict what we might find here, Seven. One must allow for the unexpected Discovery.”
Great episode. Watching it might give more context, but I don’t know.
*taps mic*Hello, everyone. I am here to talk about my healing journey and as I stated, I am high. This went deep for me and some of this may be triggering, I don’t know. Proceed at your own risk.
I believe that we, as a people, will get past this greed and avarice phase, and move to bettering ourselves. I am as certain of this, as I am certain I will never know if I am right. I will be long gone before what I want to see happen will actually happen. Lotta dark times first.
I mean, in Star Trek, they proposed that we need to get noticed in the universe to progress further. That we wouldn’t make it on our own because of our very nature when left alone. We need outside help to keep us under control or we become a petty, violent people.
We don’t need subjugation, as we do to each other, but a powerful enough outside force that we can’t just fight back but is willing to guide us, even for who we are. Maybe, with the right nudge, we can get past this. First Contact can’t come fast enough for me.
A new philosophy is needed on a global scale as we don’t currently have one that benefits everyone. This is evidenced weekly, if not daily in the news, wherever you may consume it. There is current war still happening in several places in the world and many have been rapidly losing basic rights under our very eyes. And it isn’t a slow process; we have just been subjugated by doctrine and greed and only recently have the younger generations been able to get through to us older folk.
Greed has completely taken over our governments and most of the populous of our planet, the former by design and the latter out of desperation. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back. Make them always strive for instant gratifications if they *do* manage to get beyond it. Make them believe anything that will keep everyone at war with everyone else. Out for themselves. Alone. War, death and disease are very profitable enterprises.
What they don’t realize — or maybe they do — is that we are allowing that power with our compliance to the system. This is the world we live in, however you fall on specifics. Racism, sexism, religion, homophobia and transphobia, and more. All human rights that would allow the average to succeed and actually change the world are under fire. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back.
I say all this because I believe that I align with the ideals of Star Fleet, even being aware that I don’t and can’t belong to it. Still, with the examples I have been shown in the historical doc…Star Trek Shows, following Star Fleet Regulations doesn’t seem so bad as a therapeutic strategy. In the end, the only thing that might happen is that I can actually help people, including myself. What I am doing now, isn’t doing either.
So, I am actively learning to control myself and my healing by roleplaying a Star Fleet Officer, stuck in Earth of the past. I will only be in uniform for official duties, where required.
It has sucked to live in this World with these fucking Values, and I would be lying if I told you I wouldn’t rather just quit. I’m tired, y’all.
Disclaimer: Kirk is not Star Fleet’s shining example, but the picture hit the mood.Fight me.
Editor: hunting down that picture found me this gem. Give it a read if you like the Kelvin Kirk.
But many people in the world are tired as well, so I can’t use that as an excuse. Now that I am healing from trauma, I must admit that a Star Fleet Officer would not quit. So, what else can I do? Get the fuck up and start the healing process. Get help. Accept and move on.
It was an accident. The result of a single bad decision. I should not have to give up my life for it.
I am terrified every time I get into a vehicle, but I need to or I have already quit. I was taking it slower, but my timeline just got moved up by the Universe’s Choices. In a moment of ADHD analysis paralysis, I was in a car accident today, as I said above.
Comparing it to other events, I now know that I must drive differently to avoid mishaps. I cannot just follow my whims any more while behind the wheel. I am shaken by the event, and I am using that to become a better driver. There are no other results are necessary, but I will review this choice with my therapist, of course, when she is back from vacation next week.
This was at the end of a fairly stressful July 4th weekend — you will notice I don’t call it a holiday. I was ready to come home and just kick back and relax, but noooooooo. I get to hit someone’s car. Fucking lovely. At least I pay for good insurance for just such an occasion. Everyone involved was not injured and both cars function. I get to pay a deductible and y’all got this wonderful prose as a result. 🙂
Annnnnyways.
I mean to say that I need to get better, faster. We need Star Fleet ideals now, more than ever. It is possible, that this is how the future starts. By a small group deciding it was worth choosing to devote their life to better the future for others. “The needs of the Many outweigh the needs of the Few.”
Taken NOT the Rand way, it says those that have should help those that don’t, what ever the have might be. Until all of us are free, none of us are.
#fact
If you let the characters be real for a moment in your mind, you see that they are the creations of others like you out in the world making decisions similar to you. I can take the time to improve the world while I have it, and maybe make things a little better along the way. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations, a Vulcan philosophy. The ideal exists, but folks are trapped in systems designed as traps. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back.
Maybe we can give this idea momentum and create the reality most of us want. Maybe, if we can find a way to cooperate.
On a final note — I am almost done — this is also coming up as my therapist asked me to discover my parts, the individual little personalities that we all have that sometimes take control unexpectedly or without an agreement with the Self. And you have to deal with that personality until you can bring things back to the Center.
This is one of my parts. I am Star Fleet, whether it exists or not. The values of the Federation will be with me until I die.
This is one I’ve agonized over posting. A very few of you know why and a few less know who. No one else gets to know who, for the record.
CW: references to sex
You see, I got my first blowjob to this song. And, for those who wonder, yes, it was amazing. So, every time I here the song, I smile. Here it is, if you’re not familiar.
Kashmir, by Led Zeppelin
What I agonized about is that I might alienate some folks by posting it because they won’t read past that last paragraph. And if that’s you, you’re missing the story, and I respect your choice to stop. No hard feelings.
The rest of you, listen and read on.
We began with me coming over to her house while her parents were out of town. We chatted for a long time, cuddled on the couch and watched Dumbo. I was the happiest 5 year old in that moment.
I was certain there would be no sex, because we had talked earlier about her having a boyfriend and…other complications. Their relationship wouldn’t have explicitly allowed us to do anything, so I shut it down in my mind. I wanted her company, so other than a momentary disappointment, I was very happy with my evening.
We chatted and cuddled after the movie for awhile until it was time for me to go. As I was saying goodnight, she took my hand and asked me to follow her. I complied and went to her father’s den. In there was a very high quality collection of vinyl and books. Among those albums was Physical Graffiti, which has the song Kashmir. She asked me to lie down on the floor and started that album, starting with Kashmir.
The next seven minutes was spent with a minute of negotiating, as I wanted to be sure she wanted to, considering. She did and then did.
It was the unexpected capstone of what I consider my favorite date. I’ve had some amazing dates and spent time with some amazing people and I don’t diminish any of those experiences by calling this my favorite. It wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had; it was my favorite experience I’ve ever had with a woman.
And that is why I love this song. Thank you for listening and I hope y’all stick around.
My good friend John Wick said recently that if you would write it in your diary, you shouldn’t post it online. I replied, “Welp. I’m doing it wrong.” And I meant it. But I also am doing it wrong on purpose. It’s the only way for me to get better. I have to share, even if noone reads it. It’s a moral imperative.
Because its the right thing to do.
I have been hiding specifics from a thing many of you already know about. I think it is hurting me at a much higher rate than I expected by not sharing — it’s like I am bleeding out inside some days. And the worst part? I am ready for it, if it happens. I don’t want it, but I won’t try to stop it anymore. Life does what Life does.
That said, I want to get better. I want to heal this shit. I want to get back to laughing at life and not dreading it. My fear is, like climate change, I might be too late. I can really only try to mitigate the damage from here. But I will not stop trying. A rest here and there, and compassion and kindness to myself as I do it, but Try, I Will.
Also, fuck Yoda’s bullshit. You can’t know if you can or can’t unless you fucking try. Trying IS doing. The Jedi (and the Sith, but worse) are really fucked up, you know? THIS is why we have trauma. Damn.
Sorry. That has been bugging me for awhile.
Trigger Warning: Without removing the need for the spoilers, please understand the following is a recount of my car accident. It is mostly unedited and raw, and may be hard to follow at times. I opened the gate and just let it flow. I don’t know how it will affect you, but if you aren’t sure, there is no shame in skipping it.
Be kind to yourself
Aaaanyway, here are some specifics, if you want them. If not, keep scrolling to the apology, below.
10 years ago this week, I was in a car accident and totaled my BMW. A passenger in the other car — I say her name in my head every time I think about it, but I won’t speak it aloud.
That sentence was not complete on purpose to illustrate how my brain works. You see, I have now paused that experience to prepare for the unmistakable flashbacks that are about to occur. I can only do this for a minute, and then I will be viewing them. During this time, I dissociate, but still manage to handle basic functions, like writing with blues in the background. Like right now. Oh, here it is
— was killed on impact. I didn’t know this yet, because there was smoke in the cab and I had to get my kid out of the car. It was very painful to open the door with a broken hand, but I didn’t know that yet either, so I did it anyway. I got my kid out of the car and went to see about the other car. When I got there, I saw them both in the car, unconscious. I noticed a second condition on her, however. She was also dead. Very clearly, and most unequivocally, dead. And I had just killed her.
Not on purpose, not an intention I wanted, but the impact was clear and permanent. Regardless of why or how, I had taken a life. And I knew then I would deal with it for the rest of my life. At that very moment, I was also worried about prison and what would happen to my family, and what the other family was going to do and how could I fix this no you can’t you are just finished. End of life. Fuck.
And then, I am on the side of the road on the cold ground waiting for it, hand throbbing, freezing, but absolutely uncaring. I did not want to continue living at that moment.
And then, someone put a blanket on me. I might have tried to refuse, but it gets fuzzy from here and jumps a bit and I remember it out of order.
Oh! There was a scare that a baby was in the car and had been thrown clear, but it turns out they were grandparents and had a car seat for their grandkid. This one didn’t hit me until the next family gathering. Holidays have kinda sucked for me since then. I struggle to be around people around the holidays, now.
Several people started yelling at me early in this encounter, for various reasons. When they began to realize I wasn’t some crazy drunk, they stopped and I remember some of them trying to help me. Then there were lots of lights and police and paramedics and such all around. I was sitting on the ground for most of it.
I tried to get a drink of water at one point, but the police officer said I couldn’t until I had been drug tested. I remember being very compliant. I also remember them having to put the blanket on me several times after that, because I didn’t deserve to not be in pain when she was dead.
Suddenly to me, it was time to go to the hospital for drug testing (only high levels of caffeine were found) and to get checked out. I grabbed a few things from the car and got into the back of the cop car with Jaz. It gets really fuzzy from here. The things I remember:
Jaz was okay after x-rays and I had a broken hand.
Someone was coming to pick us up.
The driver of the other car was shaken, but ok.
The passenger of the other car had been killed.
The Officer that informed me of things was very nice, and sat quietly with me while I cried about that last point. I was informed that I was free to go when the doctors released me, and there were no charges filed.
I have almost no memory of events after this until I was back in my house some days later. I don’t even remember how I got home. Thank you, to whomever that was.
I remember going to the bar to get drunk, as I was scheduled to get on a plane the next morning for Dark Con 2012. I was kicked out of the bar for threatening someone while I was drunk, which I had not remembered at all. I just remember Rachael saying, “Rockstar, you need to go home. Now.”
And then I was home, and then I was at Dark Con. I met Meg Foster – she was so concerned for my broken hand – and saw many friends, and cried a lot and then I was back at my house in Arkansas. I don’t remember the flights on either end. When I got there, I went back to work, getting rides from folks because I had no car.
Once I got the insurance money for the totaled car, I bought Clifford, the Big Red Truck for some damn reason and drove it until just last year.
8 months later
8 months later I was arrested for Negligent Manslaughter with no warning. That story is for another time, when I have the spoons to tell it. But, I am now an ex-convict, and I have served my sentence.
The inevitable apology: I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused too many of you. I love you all and I’m working on a better me. I find it’s far more difficult than I thought, as I dig through my past to fix my future. It is downright nightmarish, as — PLOT TWIST — I found a ton more trauma that I wasn’t dealing with. And some of that was the way I treated people.
I am so sorry. I might make some personal apologies, where that might help the other person, but if it only helps me? I will leave it in therapy, most often. My poor therapist.
If you feel I owe you an apology, I will not be offended if you ask. As I said, my memory of events is sketchy at best. I am open to buy you lunch or a drink and chat about it.
I am not asking to talk about this specifically, but if you want to engage with questions, I will answer them. At this point, if my experience can prevent another accident or help someone through one, I am willing to open my heart to you. I never want anyone else to feel this way. If you do or have felt this way, then…
I wish I could hug you.
Most importantly, although I have let them know they don’t have to read this, I apologize to my Spawn, Jaz, for the trauma that was inflicted upon them in this experience. I can’t know what effect it had on them, but I know it was severe. I will not relate anything about their experience in the accident beyond this account, as that is their story to tell. This is in no way endorsing questioning them about this experience, either. Please be respectful. They will talk if they want to. Thank you.
So! I’ll be Solo PolyamorousSolo PolyamorousOr, the state of being in love with yourself first. Essentially, I am my own primary relationship and anyone I date has to come second to that. from here. I can’t be selfish anymore or hurt others because I haven’t dealt with this.
That’s, like, quite a lot of issues.
Will I be in another relationship? No idea, really. I know right now I can’t be in a committed relationship and I abruptly ended my last one in a blur of emotions. I am not proud of it, but I can’t change it now. I honestly don’t think I could have done it any differently. It seems, I am my own friend with benefits until I figure me out.
The Road Goes Ever On and OnThe Road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say., as the poem says. I guess my adventure starts today.
I told you why I got each tattoo, but not why it is was so important that I hardcoded some of my code onto my arms, so I will see it every day for the rest of my life. This is some Oath Level shit to myself. I am scared shitless, but I am now committed.
This picture was perfect in so many ways that I had to use it. A very small number of people are in the center of the Venn Diagram where that makes sense.
You see, I realized shortly before I got the tattoos, but could not verbalize it yet. Now, after having them for a day, I think I can do that.
I realized that the greatest thing I could ever learn, was just to love. And be loved in return.
EDITOR: I am a bit high right now and that song just snuck in. Its not…wrong, but a little dramatic.Sorry for the distraction.
My actual realization was that if I wanted to remain mentally healthy, it would require maintenance. And so, it means that the rest of my life is therapy now. Which means every interaction, every moment I get to spend with someone is important. And if I don’t find the strength to actually love someone without being afraid of it, I will be alone. I must be, for my sake and theirs.
“Nothing is Trivial”, said the Crow.
Sorry, I have a flair for that. Anywaaaaaaay…
I now will start to enjoy my life, as I have deprived myself of acceptance for the moments when I was happy for the last few decades. I never felt I deserved it, not ever. I have now hated myself so long, that I had forgotten how to let myself be happy. The accident made it worse, but it wasn’t the real problem.
I literally had to write shit on my skin to start healing, so that I would feel the pain long enough to just fucking let it go. The only way I was getting out of this was with pain, the same way I got in. Blood calls out for Blood, as Londo once lectured.
But, that is too dark and cryptic for even me to really want to understand right now, so I will spare you.
I turned in my Holter monitor and the Cologuard thing I was putting off until I had to go out for something else. Its just how my brain works, ok? Anyway, I got dressed and headed out to the UPS Store and on the way, began planning my route.
After UPS, I realized I was just driving around, avoiding coming home for some reason. I had several errands to run, but I didn’t need most of them to be done. I could just go home. But I just didn’t wanna go home yet. So, I just embraced the idea of just getting as much done as I could of all the outstanding things that needed done and kept driving. When I was done doing errands, I would reward myself.
I started getting inventive, as I no longer had and agenda. I moved away from my standard method of analyzing my route as precise as possible, ensuring the least amount of effort. Instead, I decided to attempt a hunt for the Giving Pump at Shell. Its a pump that they donate a portion of the sales of to Charity. But, they only have a few and they are not easily found when you are trying not to use your phone in the car and it stopped being fun rather quickly. I will research that one better and try again later.
I hit some stores to pick up some very specific items when I drove by Ink Therapy Tattoo a second time. I am not a mystical man, in that I believe in other worldly beings and such, but I am a 5 year old. I decided to stop in.
As I entered and was waiting to speak to someone, I posted on Facebook:
This is what happened.
Jack came to see me and asked what I wanted. I explained that I wanted a consult. After a bit of conversation, he decided he was willing to see me today. We agreed on a price and I waited again for him to draw up my tattoos. Once we had collaborated on the idea, we went back to the chair and got started.
I got two tattoos. One on each arm. They are:
The left was a phrase I learned from a dear friend, but with a funny twist, as he always did. Something about Playing Chops and carry tunes? I can’t remember anymore, but that conversation had weight and has been one of several methods to keep it all going. Joe, I will never forget your friendship and your counsel. I could have used it alot over the last 8 years, but I know you would have stayed if you could. Everyone that knew you missed you. And so, you are on my left arm, so that I will never forget you.
On the right, I was inspired by Sam Wilson, the Falcon. He was conversing with Bucky Barnes in the Falcon and Winter Soldier series, and the moment if the show resonated with me and started me on my current path. I was already walking it, but I wasn’t truly committed to it. The following is a spoiler from the show explaining it.
Do The Work
Bucky was being whiney about his trauma, and Sam had clearly had enough. He said, “Are you ready for some tough love?”
Bucky nodded.
“If you want to get through your trauma, then you need to Do The Work.”
I am paraphrasing, but you get the point. It is a phrase that I can’t get out of my head and it has guided me forward as I continue my journey.
I came home soon after that, had dinner with Jessie and then went to my room to play games. I made really good progress on Horizon Zero Dawn. The story is engaging and he characters are fun. The graphics are beautiful.
Oh, and I wrote this. 🙂
Anyway, thanks for listening. As I said, it was a good day.
We all knew this was coming. I waited long enough, so folks knew I put up a fight. I tried to live here, and it’s nearly killed me. I’m am filled with regret as I depart Arkansas for Arizona. Not because I’m leaving – that was inevitable – but because I’m leaving with so little and so much later than I expected.
I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for multiple times in the last 23 years, and I’m now fleeing the state, unemployed and broken. My heart, my mind, my body; all broken.
I wasn’t broken enough legally or socially to be allowed to stop and recover, though, and to get some rest without breaking completely. Nope, I had to straight up lose my job and not look for another to clear my head and start getting my mind right again.
Healthcare in this country is the worst. Vote!
So, I am off to Arizona to try my luck at living in the SunSunNot IN the Sun, of course, just one of the hottest places I could find on the planet for now. again.
I’m not sure what the next chapter is, but I’m burned out on IT. I’m sure I’ll use computers and such, maybe even script a bit for optimum lazinessoptimum lazinessThis is just writing programs to automate or monitor repetitive tasks so you can do something else instead, like sleep., but I don’t want IT to be my focus anymore.
I really want to fix myself enough to be me, again. The guy who wanted to sing, practice martial arts, and laugh and drink in a carefree way.
A me that can help people again.
A me that can read and write what’s on my mind.
An expressive me, that shows people exactly what I’m thinking.
To finally, be done with the grifter I was forced to be and back to the ex-paladin monk bard that I should be. I mean, I wanna play that character and I actually can, if I want.
Yeeeeeeeeaaaahhhhh!
Is that impossible as an adult? I don’t think so. And I’m working towards it. I might get there before I am recycled, and I will undoubtedly tell you about it, if I do. Call this, my Kobayashi Maru, and I plan to KirkKirkKirk reprogrammed the test when he took it, after failing it several times. His motto was 'I don't believe in no-win scenarios' it up as much as I can, but in a Jadzia Dax Jadzia DaxThis comment is too much to unpack. If you get it, you get it. Sorry. style. As much as my age and disability will allow, of course.
If that sounds appealing, becoming our ideal selves, I cannot see what is stopping us except us not willing to try anymore because the RWMRWMRich White Men system has emotionally crushed uscrushed usbad healthcare, shitty wages, no real rights at work, disabilities make you unable to get by without someone supporting you, etc..
So, if you are hearing about my move at this writing, you’ve missed your chance to say goodbye in person. I apologize for this, but it cannot be helped. I’m either gone or so far into the process that I can’t stop nowcan't stop nowThe pandemic has made me take additional precautions, including periods of self-quarantining to ensure the new cootie pool isn't adversely affected.. You won’t get through to me while I’m on the task of reducing my life down to a truckload for transport across the country. During a pandemic. While unemployed.
I didn’t say I was smart.
But, for the first time in my life, I am thinking long term. In order to get my self well again, I have to go. If I stay, I will die here, in all of its forms. This is a moral imperative.
First and formost, if I spend the next month with goodbye parties and meeting for lunch with anyone, I risk my life and those I will be living with in Arizona, my new Cootie PoolCootie Poolthe folks you are quarantining with and are comfortable with no masks or precautions. First said by The Legend, Jessie Foster, and thus became official..
Second, I barely have time to get this shit done, as it is. If I stop to say goodbye, then I won’t make it out of here. I will miss y’all alot and if you want to wait for a response, I will reconnect when I am settled.
Lastly, VOTE. I delayed as long as I could to make sure I was able to vote in this election. It matters. PLEASE DO IT.
Anyway, I won’t be visible in NWA anymore but I’ll still be out there. You can reach out to me through normal channels or at my websitemy websitehttps://chriscolbath.com, which also has my resume in case someone has a sweet gig designed just for me.
No? Oh well. You get nothing without trying too. Always worth it, no matter what Yoda says.
If you have another means to contact me, you’re free to try. I am focused and cannot guarantee a timely response, but I’ll get back to you as quick as spoons and duties will allow.
Thanks for all you’ve done for me over the years. Everyone I’ve known here in NWA has given me something that made me better, even if our experience was small or even negative. I remember having a lot of fun here, amidst the backdrop of trauma and work, and I will never forget the Land where I was once known as Rockstar.
See y’all later, Arkansas! It has been a pleasure.
Ok. I am on my way, Arizona, but don’t get too excited yet. I am not compromising my cootie pool(s) for anyone else, so it may be awhile before we see each other in person. I will not bend on this rule. Understand that I take my friend’s health seriously, even if they don’t. That’s on them, but I won’t see anyone that whines about it or doesn’t wear a mask.
I finished a neat, well written rant about this (that I just deleted), so I will spare you. Please understand that it was concise, direct and absolutely offensive to some. I reserve the right to rant later, as needed.Please wear a mask.
Well, I suppose that’s enough. Don’t expect most people have even read this far, so now I am just fuckin’ around. With that in mind, I guess I will leave you with this final thought… No, I’ll let Bilbo tell you:
…and finally, he said, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT. He spoke this last word so loudly and suddenly that everyone sat up who still could. I regret to announce that — though, as I said, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to spend among you — this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOOD-BYE!
My schedule while I am here, as I am pressed for time and won’t be able to answer individual questions:
Sunday: Working and seeing my parents and the Foster family Monday – Wednesday: Working in Dallas. A weird alignment of planets has made this week’s schedule strange. If you care about this, ask me at PCC. Which leads me to… Thursday – Sunday: PCC! This will be when most of you will see me. I will be trying to connect with people as much as I can, walking the dealer’s room floor, maybe see a celeb or two, and play some games. I will spend down time in the gaming area, most likely. Monday: Travelling back to Arkansas.
It’s been a rough few years for me, with a fatal car crash, jail, losing my job, starting a new job, my first poly relationship, my girlfriend’s health issues and largely not living where and how I want to. On top of that, the Interweb is unbearable with the election, religious/sexist/racist crap and outright murder in the streets. I am done.
tl;dr I’m broken, but I appear to be fixable. I’m dropping out of sight for awhile and I’ll be back. I don’t know when.
For those that want more, read on.
It’s time for some changes and the first step is to reduce the inputs that are plaguing my life. To this end. I have unfollowed everyone on Facebook. I will still use it for event planning and communicator via messenger, but I won’t be checking it and if I do, I am not likely to see anyone’s posts. If you need me to see something, you can tag me and I’ll see it, but if its political, religious, or capable of inciting intense emotion, I’d appreciate you leaving me off the list for now. I will remove the tag, and I will not look at it. Uplifting, non-religious things are fine, as are nerdy things. Bring those on.
I will be cataloging the experiences somewhat, as I work through the issues, but I’m not responding to personal requests for clarification, as I Just Don’t Have The Strength. I’m seeing a counselor and I’m on medication, so I expect I’ll get through it. I sincerely tried to just deal with it all, but I need a break. I am not on the verge of a breakdown yet, and I’d like to keep it that way.
I love you folks, and I know you want to help. If I need it from you, I’ll reach out to you. If I don’t, please don’t be offended. I’m in my cocoon and I’ll need specific things to get through it. You might not be one of them right now, but you can do your part by giving me space. If this changes, I will let you know. I sincerely thank you for your patience and understanding.
Trigger Warnings for the book: It has some very jarring scenes and she warns folks of Sexual Content, including Sexual Assault. There is no shortage of Violence, as well. I have encountered all of this so far and I will say she definitely understands the emotion behind it and handles it well. If you have those triggers, however, I want to ensure you know before reading. It is a bi-romance fantasy, as Piper has described, and it has lived up to that so far.
