A few days of travelling and we are in a hotel near the Mall of America. I will have an entry in a few days about that adventure, but for now the minor Trek Adventure.
If was not nearly as interesting as I thought. A small town, made famous by a cult TV show because its (arguably) most iconic character will be born there in a few hundred years. I learned that it was specifically requested to be the birthplace in ’83 of Roddenberry, and was added into canon.
We wandered through town, but not much was happening yet. We stopped at the birthplace and took a bunch of pictures AND signed the Geocache that Princess found. It was pretty cool. The actual birthplace is marked by a monument, thus:
I got some pictures in the Voyage Home Museum, and I will close out the blog with those. The museum was cool, and I got a hat, T-shirt, coin, and a refrigerator magnet. We passed on the Vulcan ears. Cow did manage to sneak into a few pictures. I have had massive shoulder pain for a week or so, and with all the driving, I overslept the next morning and missed the parade. 🙁
So, on that depressing note, I leave you with a few of the pictures that I did get. On to the Mall of America!
Very soon, I will depart on an adventure to the Mayo Clinic for my girlfriend. She has a neurological disorder that cannot be figured out with local doctors. At the advice of said doctors, we are travelling to Rochester, MN to the Mayo clinic which specializes in neurological disorders.
UPDATE: You can link to just these updates here. (https://serenityalways.com/blog/category/spiritual/journeys/)
NOTE: She desires to remain anonymous, so I will just call her by her nickname, Princess, for these writings. I cannot completely explain the reasons for why this is the case, so please respect our wishes. If you know who she is, please refrain from using her real name if you comment. I will do my best to explain what is going on as we discover things, but I cannot guarantee any frequency of updates.
We both have things we want to do on this trip, as it has lined up nicely with some places we want visit. The Princess wants to see the Mall of America, which is but an hour away from Rochester. I have been wanting to see the Future Birthplace of James T. Kirk. It happens that this year is the 50th anniversary of Star Trek, and Trekfest is happening this weekend, when we will be there. I expect that it will be entertaining.
Here is our *tentative* itinerary, as we know it:
Thursday 6/23: Leave in the evening for Kansas City and sleep.
Friday 6/24: Leave for Riverside, IA, enjoy the Trekkie fun, and sleep.
Saturday 6/25: Leave for the Mall of America hotel and sleep.
Sunday-Tuesday 6/26 – 6/28: Enjoy the mall, then drive to Rochester.
Wednesday 6/29 – Friday 8/8: Get checked out at the Mayo Clinic. Start the drive home on Friday afternoon/evening and stop in Des Moines to sleep.
Saturday 8/9: Enjoy Des Moines for a bit, and then head south for home.
Sunday 8/10: Relax.
So, I will keep you informed, as we go. In the mean time, wish us luck!
TL;DR I think I can finally forgive myself for taking the life of another in my car accident. At least, now I understand how.
I was at my counseling appointment today and had a breakthrough. As she was talking me through the process of what my code allowed for punishment for infractions, she started asking some questions that led me to being able to allow forgiveness for my actions. The questions went like this:
What is the longest punishment you have ever given your daughter?
I thought about this and it was only a week. She had made a mistake in a responsibility situation and I grounded her for a week. We discussed it and came to an agreement about it, as she did not agree with the punishment. while I stand behind the need for the lesson, I can now admit the punishment wasn’t necessary. We both learned from it, and have moved on, and I realized I was too hard on her. It was a great learning experience.
If she had done what you had done, how long would you have punished her?
This hit me hard. I realized there would, of course, been NO punishment. I would have assured her that she had done nothing wrong and tried to help her come to grips with it, exactly as all of my friends have done. I knew I had a guilt complex over the accident and was seeking penance, but I did not realize just how ridiculous it was to punish myself forever for this mistake. By all accounts, I had made a momentary bad judgement call that cost someone their life. I have since studied and learned all that I realistically can from this event and it is time to move on.
That is now what I am doing. Moving on. I don’t have to let this one event take over the rest of my life. I can move on at last.
To my friends, who are running a fantastic Kickstarter campaign, I wish you the very best in your journey. It seems you have fair winds at your back and good weather all the way.
And most importantly, after raising 1/2 MILLION DOLLARS, I have only this to say:
I have adopted a new Holiday tradition and I wanted to share it with you.
But first, tl;dr.
If you want something for Christmas, go buy it yourself and say it was from me. I will do the same. No guilt!
And now the part you aren’t going to read. I will try to make it entertaining for those that do.
I was chatting with my gal yesterday, relating my frustration with the Holiday season, mostly around the guilt. The topic went all over the place, but the gist of it gave us an idea. Why should we feel guilty about giving gifts and go broke at the end of the year trying to buy for everyone? I mean, I want to make everyone happy, but to be made to feel obligated to do it? That’s ridiculous.
I related that I used to make these elaborate spreadsheets to track everyone I was buying for (and everyone I wasn’t because I didn’t have the money). I knew exactly how much I was spending against how much I had budgeted to spend, and had adjusted amounts of money that I could spend on each person. It took hours to plan out exactly what I was going to spend to avoid going broke, but make sure everyone on the list got something. Sometimes, the list would get culled and I would feel horrible. Something had to be done.
This is supposed to be a happy time of year and I felt miserable! I came upon a few easy words that I said out loud that really made the guilt reduce, as well as the workload. It was an elegant solution, once I figured it out. It went like so:
Fuck this.
Ahhhhhh. For a moment all of the guilt and pain went away, as I had decided to just not buy anyone anything one year. I was struggling with money, my PC was starting to crap out, and I had around 20 people that I was supposed to buy for. Those two little words made me realize that the obligation was imposed by folks that really just wanted my money and they had successfully made me feel like I had no choice. But I did have a choice.
That year, I bought myself a new PC and didn’t get anything for anyone else except my daughter. I told folks I had budget issues and left it at that. The guilt didn’t go away, but it was lessened, and I still enjoyed the holidays. I started telling folks not to get me anything, as I was likely not going to buy presents this year. It mostly worked, but I got a few and realized I was feeling guilty. Still.
This went on for years, where I had a hybrid of the two methods. I bought something for someone when I thought they would like it and when it was fun to buy it. If I couldn’t think of anything, I just didn’t buy anything for someone. And I always bought myself something. Always.
When I was discussing this yesterday, I learned that she and a friend would each buy themselves a gift and then reciprocally say that it was bought from the friend. They both got what they wanted and everyone was happy. Guilt absolved!
This made me realize the perfect Gift Giving solution. And it was summarized above. If you want a gift from me this year, go get something and then say it was from me. If you would like me to do the same, I will. It might be a nice dinner, or even a Coke from a vending machine. Spend what you want and don’t worry about it. And then thank me for it, either privately or publicly and I will do the same. No guilt! Everyone is happy!
I hope this writing finds you well and that you really enjoy the gift I got for you. I want you to know that I thought long and hard on it and I that I appreciate the gift you gave me in return (as soon as I go get it).
For those that don’t know, I will be having a minor surgery Friday to fix an umbilical hernia I have had for many years. Shortly thereafter, once I recover a bit, I will be getting a vasectomy. Both of these are long overdue.
As it is getting close to the end of my Walmart insurance AND since I have met my deductible, I am getting these things taken care of so it won’t be as expensive later or if I am forced to use COBRA for awhile. I will be down for the count most of Friday, but I will see if I can get some one to post on my wall the results of Friday’s surgery so folks won’t have to worry.
Thank you all for everything you have done, in case something happens. I intend for everything I own to go to my daughter, if anything *does* happen. I don’t expect it to, but one never knows how long they have.
Once again, I am reminded of a few things that I will share. Make sure you watch all three for the full effect. Please don’t think me morbid; I am just weird. 🙂
I am in a position where I may have to sell up to four (4) VIP tickets, VIP Camping, and a few Skybox seats to Weezer and Halestorm to the Loudwire Music Festival in Grand Junction, Co. The event is on June 26-28th. You would have to get to the event and provide your own camping gear, but it is a pretty sweet concert.
There is a majorly cool line-up of bands, and I *really* wish I could go, but it is becoming increasingly clear that I probably will not. I’d like to sell these tickets, and take my daughter to Rush, instead.
If you want these tickets, in whole or in part, please email me or IM me on Facebook. I feel quite moved to make you a deal you cannot refuse. I don’t want to lose money on these, and I will go if I can’t sell them and try to sell them at the concert, but I would rather just sell them and be done with it. Multiple folks have dropped out. Health issue, work issues, etc. It’s amazing what can get in the way of a concert.
The tickets are being shipped to me as we speak, so I woudl have to mail them out to you. I would do that with one or two day shipping, as needed.
I will be taking a loss, but you seem like nice and virtuous folks. Deal.
I was going through drafts I was afraid to send. This is one of them, it is referencing the events shortly after my hospital stay. I have started dealing with this now, but I want everyone to know what I am going through. If it helps even one other person to get help, then it is worth the pain of sharing it publicly. You have my permission to share.
I watched this video and knew it was clearly staged to make me emotional. My cynical mind shut off parts of me that didn’t want to deal with what I knew was coming. My mouse hovered over the tab, ready to close it. And yet, it worked. And not because of the obvious reasons; that we should pity the man. I don’t. I want to get to know him and help him, surely, but I don’t pity him.
It worked because there are days that I can’t see it, either. I sometimes don’t see it because I am blind in another way. I am suffering from guilt and depression deep enough that I sometimes feel blind. My emotions shut off and suddenly burst forth like a dam breaking, flooding the town below me. And that I probably need medication to deal with it.
A long time ago, someone suggested I could benefit from it, and I flatly refused. They responded in a way that reverberated inside me and has come to a head recently due to a few unforeseen circumstances. Here is how it went.
“You could likely benefit from a low dose of medication to level your moods.”
“I don’t want to medicate myself; It would stifle who I am.”
“Really? You already self-medicate with alcohol. What’s the difference?”
At the time, I dismissed it, but like a .223 round, it tumbled around, doing the maximum damage until I found myself here. I am forced to be sober, I have a form of PTSD from my car accident, and I find myself forced to face everything I have been pushing back to the back. I feel like the Alliance has put me through the River treatment, because now I seem to feel everything. I can’t not.
And so, I will likely seek help. I am not sure what form that help would take, but the best emotional week I have had in the last 3 years happened when the doctor prescribed me a week’s worth of anti-anxiety medication after my hospital stay.
I was level. I accomplished more, although I wasn’t allowed to do much exercise. I felt…ok, for the first time in years, like I could actually handle what I was dealing with. And then I ran out.
A few days later, I was back to sobbing uncontrollably while watching videos like this. Why?
Because I need help.
Thank you for all of my friends that have dealt with this for the years that you have, silently – or not so silently – trying to get me to get help. I am not sure how strong I actually am, but at least I can see it now.
I feel I should explain some things. Those of you that have been near me (and dealt with me), already know this. For the rest of you, here is why I did the embarrassing, middle of the night, drunk post.
I have an issue with depression. It has been with me most of my life, but with the accident a few years back, it has been more pronounced. It is now PTSD level of effect. I take some meds for it and I have changed my life to compensate as best as I can. I have spent several years dealing with health issues since the accident, and I am starting to see evidence of them being more psychological. I have heart palpitations, fatigue and major shoulder pain in the same side as the broken hand from the accident.
I have also had work related stress and the depression has made it hard to get up and go to work everyday. Recently, it has been easier due to some forced behaviour changes at work, but it is still a struggle every day to Just.Get.Up. I do it and I produce, but I have real difficulty doing the necessary basic things to get by.
But I digress. On to the point of this exercise; my dear friends and this post on FaceBook.
When I posted that stupid post, I was drunk. For the first time in months, I picked up a drink. I was just wanting to make my brain stop. It was a really bad idea. It was, overall, a great night. At the end, as usual, it got weird. My Depression came back with a vengeance and thus, this post.
Again, Bad Idea. I know this now. But, it had several unintended affects.
1) I found out, that from everyone else’s point of view, I am some kind of a badass.
2) Also, I was contacted by several friends in private to learn some pretty cool things about me and them. Once of them shared some PTSD advice, that I will be using. It got him through Afghanistan; it can get me through a car wreck.
3) I need to stop drinking. Completely. I obviously cannot handle my emotions under the influence. I *love* the taste of the craft beers that are being made these days, but the health ramifications are just not worth it. I suppose, this is goodbye, until I get a handle on this. If I ever do.
4) I am surrounded by amazing, caring people. Wow.
5) And, apparently, I am good in bed. Good to know.
I am hurt certainly. It comes and goes. It came on HARD when I posted that status. I am through it now and I will keep going through it, I am sure. I have my reminders set around the house to help me remember the things that you said. And I will repeat these things to myself every day.
I am a good man.
I am a smart man.
I am an honorable man.
I have always valued others more than myself, and recently, I have valued them exclusively and NOT myself. I am going to do my level best to change that. I don’t know how I will fare, as this is a medical thing, not a “just get over it” thing. Depression is real and it is a medical issue, even if the various insurance companies and corporations don’t see it that way, I will seek help and I will make changes.
Thank you all for the sympathy, the advice, the kind words, and the hugs where it was possible. As usual, I leave you with a song.
See you in the world.
UPDATE: For those that see this and didn’t see the facebook post. The entire thing, with a little extra funny at the end…
I heard this song on random play today and it hit me; I very recently met a person that has changed me. I didn’t even see it coming. It is not often that someone does so on a profound level. I have deep friendships with many people, and they have changed me as well. But not like this. She has woken things in me that I had buried long ago. She has inspired me and put me into deep reflection mode.
I am not in love, just to clear that up, and that is not what I am talking about. She is someone that I *could* love romantically, no doubt, but there are too many factors in the way of that. Distance (both time and space) and loyalty being the highest on the list. So, that is not on the table with her, and I knew that as I started getting to know her. She is an incredible flirt, and as I love that activity as well, so we can enjoy that for the few days she has left here.
You see, she is moving to Prague and our friendship will be a little harder to maintain. She will be busy teaching English as a Foreign Language to folks there, and enjoying the beautiful City of Prague. There will be little time for a friendship with folks here, and that is a good thing. Her adventure starts later this week and I am extremely happy for her. I will get back to her shortly, but I have the point of this writing to make.
You see, I have been stagnant for a long time. I have so many things to do and I haven’t really been doing any of them. Since I became single, I shut off the part of me that cares about love and relationships, and I have sabotaged several that have come my way. That is ok, because long term, I never wanted to live here anyway. For that reason, I have only been with a few women, as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea about me and fall in love with me. Not that I am that much of a catch, but I still don’t want to hurt anyone because I am not into commitment. Well, my current vows end with “until sunrise do us part.”
And it got worse after I met a girl who I tried for more than she wanted and it hurt. There have been women, and I will admit that I loved several of them, but I always hit the big three. Too young, taken or too far away. I just couldn’t make it happen and the pain was Just.Too.Much. So, it was shut off. That led to other parts of stagnation, and eventually, after my car wreck, I went completely dead inside. I mean, I cared about nothing. And it just crept up on me.
I can summon up enough to get what I need done and that’s about it. I make folks laugh so I can summon up the excuse to laugh. I know I might seem happy sometimes, but I am not. I hate who I have become, and yet I can’t shake it. I play a lot of games to fill my time and use that as an excuse to not do the things I need to. I need to fix up my house. I need to improve my health. I need to increase my skillset to something more modern. I want to learn the guitar and/or piano so I can write more music. I want to write a novel.
So.Many.Things. But, I don’t care.
And then here comes April. Smart, funny, driven, gorgeous, nerdy April. I saw her boundless energy and I was infected. For a few moments, I thought I might have developed romantic feelings for her. And although, I am absolutely attracted to her in a Buffy-Spike sorta way, I am certain that that is not the reason I met her. What the self-reflective part of me noticed was something absurdly Simple. So completely obvious, that I didn’t see it; I was just confused by it. Can you guess what it is?
I am feeling again. I can fucking feel something. Wow.
I am so extremely sad that she and I will not get to do some really fun nerdy things together in the short term, but I am certain that in a few years, we will meet and swap stories. I am also extremely grateful that she took the time to let me get to know her and vice versa. But I can feel it. And that makes me happy. I want the pain. I want the joy. It will drive me to get better; to get new things.
To my new dear friend April: I hope you find adventure, great new things and your “safety pins” moment. When we meet again somewhere on this planet (or another if we can swing it), we will swap stories of what we have done since we lasted parted. And if we don’t meet again for some reason, then I expect the stories to be told regardless, and with a toast to absent friends.
Much love, my friend. Go forth and make epic times, my friend. I am ready to do the same. I don’t know what will happen next, but I am finally awake again, and I thank you.
