TL;DR: I don’t yet know, but I feel like I am finally on the path, actually walking it. I will miss some of you, though, as I walk this path wherever it leads, if you can’t go with me. I truly pains me. Also, there is a picture of my Cow tattoo at the end of this blog. Continue reading for the details.
It all began what seems like an age ago when she said, “How do you manage your ADHD” as if it was just a fact that you can see when you look at me. I don’t remember my response, but as she explained what she meant when she said it — which really was more a suggestion that I wasn’t managing it very well — she assumed that I knew.
Fast forward to a month ago when I was handed a paper proclaiming I am ADHD (Combined type) and sat with the Doctor for nearly an hour discussing it. This was after waiting for me to get there late by a half hour to a 4 pm appointment and he had gotten busy with something else. We had just sat down about 4:45 or so, in a side conference room, as the other rooms where full.
I began (and still am) processing that moment when I went from “maybe” to “certain.” All of the questions started coming up.
Who am I now? Am I different? Am I going to lose everything as I become who I am? I have already lost some, and it was my fault. I didn’t understand why I had to hide and I hurt someone when I cocooned. As I was told recently, “Hurt people hurt people.”
And I have been hurt. I am not asking for sympathy, as I deserve everything that happens to me for my actions in all of them, whether I wanted them to happen or not. I have been struggling with burnout for at least 5 years and it has crashed both of my most recent relationships. I have had several breakdowns during my last two jobs and have been unemployed since. I lost someone dear to me during that time, as she just couldn’t handle a broken me and I completely get it. I had another breakdown recently trying to process who I am and my masks just…failed. It was catastrophic and I will now remain single, at least until I can figure out who the hell I am. I am not hurting anyone else if I can help it.
As I said, “Hurt people hurt people.” And I have done my share. But this story is not about my failed relationships, so I will save the rest for my therapist. Sorry for the distraction.
So, I was in the room with the doctor. Was I just a curiosity to him? Was I something for a medical journal somewhere?
Does God exist? Who invented liquid soap and why?
Side note: When he told me my test results, he also mentioned my IQ. I have only told a few close friends and family that number, as I am still processing what it means that I qualify for Mensa. I mean, I have been convinced that I am stupid my entire life. Quite frankly, I am still convinced, although I am now evaluating. I really think it just means I am good at taking tests.
Another take for the gamers: I somehow managed to put a bunch of points in IQ and very little in useful skills, so I get to run off defaults for almost everything. Throw in some charisma, a decent voice and a low self esteem and you have a great starting point for a character that I didn’t intend to design. Go figure.
He mentioned that he has only seen this kind of test result among a couple of the 10,000+ tests he had administered and he had been looking forward to meeting me. He bluntly said, “You are a genius. Had you made it to graduate school, you would have really started to get challenged. I wanted to know more about you.”
In my head, when he said this, I heard Mal say, “Top 3%, don’t know how smart you are,” as my brain parses all statements made by all people as song lyrics or movie quotes, like the liquid soap comment earlier. Or both, when they intersect.
I forced myself through the dissociation of what I was hearing and he just…sat there patiently smiling and waited for me to wrap my head around the information. Like someone who had seen this before and knew it would take a moment for me to be ready to talk about any of it. So, I took my time and reviewed what I had heard, talking only a little.
After a few moments, filled with silence and a few awkward coping jokes, we started diving into what my life had been like and things I could do going forward, including medication, meditation and other mental activities and exercise. He gave me a list of right/left brain activities and a list of games designed to exercise them. The games on the sheet I had played before, and I also told him about some of the games that I like. Like Twilight Imperium, for example, which is a monster of a game. He was rather stunned that games like that existed. I recently got into a game called War of Whispers and it scratched the same itch, but with MUCH less crunch. A full game is less than an hour and its glorious.
Aaaaaaanyway, he ended with the statement, “This is all good news. Now, you know.” And he was right and wrong all at once. Now, I know. Also, this changes everything.
Since that meeting, I have started some of the things in the list, mostly in the mental arena, and I am researching (and talking with doctors and my therapist) about the rest. I had a most relaxing moment yesterday with some guided meditation and I actually stopped generating thoughts for a moment, as I was fully engaged in the moment. It was pure serenity and I will likely be trying it again today. If I can find enough novelty in the guided meditation to actually learn the skill, I may be able to learn to walk about meditative. I have always wanted to learn those skills.
My mind went blank and my entire train of thought derailed. I guess I am done. I will continue when my brain finds the interest again.
I will leave you with the tattoo I recently got of my cow, His Lordship Cowfred, Marquis de Last Kiss, and King of the Pasture.
Sometimes it is worth reading to the bottom. 🙂
Walking the Path,
Me.