All posts by Chris Colbath

A Clear Understanding of Honor

TL;DR: Watching Star Trek showed me how to love everyone as they are, regardless of what that is; Vulcans call it Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations; Billionaires need to step up and stop being evil assholes. All of them. Not mentioned below. but heavily implied, but also Black Lives Matter; Trans People are People; ACAB; and finally, Fuck the Patriarchy. I think that’s everything? OH! IDIC – LLAP

Past this point is extreme detail on Star Trek and how it has affected me in my life journey.


The United Federation of Planets in the fictional series Star Trek portrays a society that not only removed the stigmas related to therapy, racism, and sexism but embraced its reverse.

The Vulcans called it Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations. This statement, when heard the first time by moi, required Intense Reflection. I entered my Chrisalis and did just that. I came out with one sentence.

Love everyone as they are, regardless of what that is.

Pretty interesting idea. It is not lost on me that this line of thinking is the thing that got Jesus killed. I disagree completely with the stories past that point, so don’t even try.

Bloody Romans

Religion is an antagonist or a moral complication in Star Trek more often than not. One of the main villains of Deep Space 9 was a corrupt religious leader. Organized Religions are For Profit companies that attempt to control our lives for their own power. Also, fuck Mega Churches in particular.

This clearly required more thinking. Back I went to the Internet!

It might look like this. You don’t know.

I eventually came to Memory Alpha, where I reviewed Starfleet Protocols and General Orders. I regularly read the Articles of Federation, but they are more Big Picture and I have that part. I am looking for more supporting statements about how they want society to behave and what happens when you break those rules.

I have read all of the Orders and Protocols that were published and created for the various Role Playing Games.

I have watched most of the available media, with the animated series, the S5 of Discovery, and Most Prodigy remaining unwatched.

I have observed the various fictional characters in Star Trek with an educational eye to learn more of these protocols in action where they were intended.

I just like this picture.

In the end, I have also forgotten most of them, and can’t give you the numbers for more than a few, but I remember the intent of them. It was that I was looking for anyway.

To be transparent, I am aware all of the General Orders/Protocols of Starfleet are plot devices to create conflict among characters in the fiction. Let’s get back to this discussion of my inner thoughts. I am aware they are alien to many.

I like to wait for the disclaimer until folks are about to check out. It’s funnier to me. Thank you for indulging. Carry on. –Editor


Here is what I gleaned:

Members of Starfleet – with some exceptions – look for a way to interpret the rules (the Law) to do the most good instead of for personal gain. And that sometimes means violating stupid decisions made by their superiors, provided they don’t harm anyone in doing so.

From the mouth of our wise Space-Uncle Spock, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. You will note it specifically mentioned needs, not wants, so let’s talk about that.

We need Food, Shelter, Air, Water and Exercise to live well. Prioritizing these needs is what the protocols are talking about in general, but they also guided emotional needs. They are willing to help a person that was deceived by another, and put the blame where it belongs. If you cause harm in others in the process, however, you will still need to speak to that and accept what punishment that is suggested.

The Federation values life above all else and so do I. If you encounter me anywhere, you might as well expect that I am living by those ideals and all that entails.

You and I both know we can show examples of members of Starfleet doing horrible things. But they eventually caught and stopped them, likely jailed them humanely, while attempting to help them heal from whatever brought them to this point. There is also the Maquis, and various others.

The point of all that was to show that Starfleet folks are trying to make things better, willing to sacrifice themselves, as needed.

People Like These

To show a better future where we all can be better people.


Most of the issues you are talking about were solved in the Federation with high education and higher technology. Without some of the tech that removed the need to strive for money to survive (replicators being the main one), we will never know. — Captured from an online discussion I had.

It therefore means we have to remove the NEED for capitalism to REMOVE or at least neuter capitalism. Those that want to earn stacks of cash can still do it, but not by exploiting others. Find another way, assholes.

With things like UBI (Universal Basic Income), free healthcare & therapy, while making strides to get everyone’s Basic Needs™ met without struggle, we can have our preferred future. If we can get the 1% to cooperate. If not, more of the same.

It really makes me depressed to know this, but that’s how it starts to get better. Now I know what I want the world to look like.

There is no place for the kind of Rich folk we have now. The ones that steal life from others to pursue their own selfish dreams. If all of the money anyone had above above One Billion was put forth to fund these programs, we could remove the billionaires from power AND everyone could eat. Last checked there is 14.2T that the 2700+ Billionaires are worth.

I am struggling with disability, pain, age and complex PTSD, but I can’t manage to consistently make rent without asking for help or being on government aid. There are many way worse off than me and I want to help them, but where I am, I struggle.

People have to be one voice to make that happen. The Billionaires have shown for generations that they will not change on their own and they train their children to continue it. It is why Unions exist.

It is not theft to take back what was stolen from you. — Brennan Lee Mulligan, Professional Game Master

Nothing is perfect, including systems we create. It is better to provide a framework for how to live and let individuals implement it, with a governing entity facilitating those ideals through support of the citizens. Never through fear or need for any Basic Need should we push our peoples to Do Better.

Everyone needs something. If we all got the ones that didn’t harm others, wouldn’t that be cool?

If this attitude were a dominant one, you would see a world more in line with the show. I propose that we do this as a whole to get ourselves out of this hellscape we’ve created and live better lives.


If you disagree, I am happy to discuss it with you. No yelling, or name calling. Just a discussion of how to make the systems that are failing better and get our lives back for a few thousand people who treat us like resources to expend and cast away when depleted.

Saying all of this, I feel a bit like Chancellor Gorkon:

“You don’t trust me, do you? I don’t blame you. If there is to be a brave new world, our generation is going to have the hardest time living in it.” — Chancellor Gorkon, Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country

IDIC – LLAPWe are Stronger together.

Thanks to John Wick for that title. IYKYK

Walking the Path,

Me.

NAMBSAAM

The more I spend time with women folk – not the point, move along – I find that I agree with their assessment of men. 

I can recall moments in life where I acted like men do. I also remember the moments I chose to walk away from each of those behaviors.

I was *taught* those behaviors by men (not my Dad, of course); SA’d by men; bullied, beaten and ostracized by men in various ways. Mostly, because I wasn’t into fighting and being mean to people.

I cannot recall more than a few times I was harmed by woman folk that I hadn’t caused the problem in the first place. It’s rare, in my experience.

I can recall MANY incidents where I was abused by men – and stood there and took it to show I wasn’t running – but I rarely fought back. Some days I would hide near the bus stop and run at the last minute to catch the bus to avoid bullying. I did it often enough that the lady who lived at the house I hid behind would bring me lemonade or cookies and helped me hide.

Until I “got crazy” and fought back in unique ways, I was bullied in some way nearly every day until I moved to Phoenix.  I became a feral animal, a creature forced to fight in a mad society. I spent a lot of time alone, subsequently.

I was once a beautiful, peaceful child until I entered the world of school and encountered male folk on the playground. 

Now, at 58, I can’t trust anyone and I’ve trained in multiple lethal martial arts. I can’t “play” fight anymore – I know I’ll hurt someone as I have several times. I get scared if I start losing and lash out.

But when I started spending time with women folk and began learning what women folk go through? I fucking joined them in being disgusted with men.  

I found out they were far worse than I had thought and I’ve doubled down on pointing out toxic behaviors when I see them, no matter who is saying them.

Fuck the Patriarchy. I’m ready for women to take over and I’ll support them. Let’s change this world to actually be better.

Men: I’m telling you to Do Better. Evaluate your own behaviors honestly and *make changes if needed* and get thee to therapy!

I have and it’s made all the difference in my relationships.

Chris.

Don’t worry about a thing

“Don’t worry about a thing, ‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.” – Ted Lasso, *Sunflowers*, S3, E7.

I have heard this song many times, but after my last few months, it hits so much harder today. I wish I could explain better, but…I don’t know how exactly because words are hard.  I will try to drop as many clues as I can, right? Right.  Moving on.

Inspired Jason Sudeikis GIF by Apple TV+ - Find & Share on GIPHY

If you have not seen Ted Lasso, I recommend it. If you’re having trouble with your mental health, this is a great show to binge. Next best thing to therapy – if you are paying attention. If you ARE in therapy – and it is my sincerest wish that you are – you will get added value from seeing examples of how it should work.

It is full of amazing stories.   You will cry and laugh and ponder. You will wonder how you are so interested in the fate of these people who play a game you care nothing for. Except now you DO care. For these people, specifically. You want them to win the games.  Not because winning matters, but because them winning does.  I love these fictional people more than…

Sorry.  Had to make some notes for therapy about that emotional connection.  But that’s the point, now innit?

Tedlassogifs Keeley Jones GIF - Tedlassogifs Keeley Jones Good Point GIFs

Ahem.  Binging the show makes the accent come out.  🙂

The writing is excellent and the actors really sell it. They are playing professional athletes with real issues that they work out as a team in real-time right in front of you.  It’s brilliant.  There are love stories that don’t make you gag because they aren’t all hetero, growth from characters that don’t change who they are but still learn to set and keep boundaries, and their friends who support them and honor them.  Men making their own feelings and growth a priority to each other and learning how to lose that toxic Alpha Male shit.

It’s an essay about mental health and how badly this Capitalist Hellscape has devalued humanity as a whole.  I was uplifted high when this episode came on.  It didn’t stick too long, so I am writing this all down to force me to take the time to process what has been going on with me.  And putting a purpose to my healing journey other than just “Getting Better.”  That is not granular enough, so I am quantifying it.  I am writing down what I want and not just what I think others want from me.

I’ve been very down and have been this way for months. I have been involuntarily masking (except in therapy and around folks who are truly safe) and it is tough to stop. Masking is exhausting now, as I am aware of doing it even if I can’t stop it.  It’s like being controlled by a puppeteer or mind-controlled sometimes.  I want to say or do something, but my automated routines just take over, and sometimes the only thing to do is leave. I am very good at disappearing now, and that isn’t what I want.  I want more.

Sometimes dramatically, like Roy Kent, but most often silent.

Ted Lasso Roy Kent GIF - Ted Lasso Roy Kent Fuck GIFs

I have gotten so much joy from this show, mixed in with the pain and the sadness of watching these folks live their lives.  It reminds me of some of my life and the things I go through, of course, and they did a wonderful job of making it feel ok to feel things, even when they suck.  And man, some of these feelings SUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Right.  I am repeating myself now, so it is time to release you to your lives, already in progress.  I sincerely hope you are getting the help you need, even if it hurts to get to a good place.  You may have heard this before, but I will say it again for emphasis because I have found it to be true:

You have to go through it to heal it. 

Ted Lasso Afc Richmond GIF - Ted Lasso Afc Richmond Believe GIFs

Thanks for listening.  God-Speed, or whatever narcotic your deity chooses to self-medicate with.

Don’t give up on you

TLDR: Don’t give up on you. Also, I blather on about myself.  Listen to the song at the end if you don’t care about that. Srsly.

Giving up on myself has always been pretty easy, but I started working on selfishness for the most recent chapter of my life to get my head right. It has taken more than a year to get the fuzz out and start to actually make progress, as I have shared a little of.  It has cost me…a lot. People, Things, and places are gone to me that were very important to me at one point. And they all had to go before I drove myself to death and madness. I was pretty far gone during the Panini.

I barely remember the conversations and tribulations it took to get out of Arkansas, as I didn’t believe it could happen. Even now, I sometimes wonder just how big of a mistake I made fixing my mind, but time will tell. And on the dark days, I feel like they are juxtaposed, and I don’t know where or who I am.  I have tools now to come back without as much artificial help and so I have been plugging along, day by day, taking care of myself.

Still, there is always the danger of going too far to one side or the other, so one needs to prepare for it in advance. Once I discovered I could set a monitor on that balance and fix it when it strays, it made focusing on other things easier. When this song hit, it got me thinking about moving back to a balance, specifically when I heard this: 

If you’ve been lost and lonely, ashamed to be alone with only you

With no one left to lose, if it’s the last thing that you do, Don’t give up on you.

Powerful stuff.  It just clicked.  I need to start rebuilding now.  Gotta get back up to full fighting weight, and it’s a long fucking climb.  

So, I still need to practice self-care and remove some of the things on my schedule where possible so I can – with more hate than I can express – focus on money-making and my future.  I must once again engage with the capitalist hellscape and earn some cash. I am bound by certain oaths that limit my money-making options, but I am sure I can earn again. The big question is: how do I do it without burning myself out again? 

To start, I need to be ruthless in my negotiations to get the accommodations I will need to do the best job possible without hurting any individuals.  I won’t make the mistake of giving loyalty to a company again, as I plan to only invest in people. And, to only give them access to the time I am being paid for – nothing else.  Salary is just implicit, government-sanctioned slavery.

Ahem.  Sorry.

While I do this, I also need to make sure I am still serving others as much as I can.  That is where I get the biggest dopamine hit – feeling gratitude for having served.  I don’t want credit or fame.  I would love to have others’ gratitude where it is deserved, but serving is the purpose, not what others can give me for it.  

I previously had an issue with over-committing and being seen as unreliable to some and amazing to the few that I actually got things completed for.  Now I know it is the ADHD that made that happen, I can adjust and hopefully correct those issues.  I will be trying to complete as many commitments as I can remember, but I am sure some are forgotten.  If you read this far and I have promised you something that you feel I have missed, please let me know and I will do my best to complete it.

Enough rambling.  Thanks for the few of you still listening.  Enjoy the song, if you haven’t already. 

Live Long and Prosper.

ADHD #6: Reading for Fun

“Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing.”

– Harper Lee

 

TL;DR: I can read again! At least, I am reading a book that isn’t a technical or game manual! Excite! Continue for details…


Notes for the reader:

If you didn’t know, I have PTSD from various things, and I am an IT Burnout. I spent so much time reading manuals and programming references while on various stimulating substances for many years and it has now taken its toll. I am rebuilding myself slowly.  I have not read a book for pleasure unless it was an audiobook and I was on a long drive alone. That does not happen often.

“The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast. And you have burned so brightly, Roy.” – Bladerunner

Back to your regularly scheduled program, with no further interruptions. 

– Editor


I have spent the last 15+ years unable to read more than a few pages of any book that was not a technical manual. And then, I only have that luxury when I am attempting to complete a particular task. I have wanted to read so many books, but ADHD combined with IT burnout made this very difficult.

At least, until I found Piper CJ (linktree) on TikTok. I started following her for folklore info (to help with GMing) and because she was as close to a Fæ as I will ever meet – did I mention I am in therapy?

As I learned about folklore, I also learned of a Book she had written and published herself.  Shortly after I bought a copy (which she said had many errors, as she has since had it edited for the current version), she announced an exclusive edition with Barnes & Noble.  I…also bought that, as the announcement was for a series of 3.  I have a signed copy of 2 and will for 3 as well, but for the first one, I missed the signed copy.  I expect I will meet Piper one day at a convention and have her sign it there.  Also, the Exclusive additions have her novellas about the world and I am looking forward to those as well.

Links to the B&N Exclusives are on her linktree.

The important thing for me is that I have books One and Two and I am halfway through One. I am enjoying it so far and I read for perhaps an hour or more at a time.  It is coming back slowly, and I get lost in thought a lot and have to re-read sections, but I am reading again.

 

Trigger Warnings for the book:  It has some very jarring scenes and she warns folks of Sexual Content, including Sexual Assault. There is no shortage of Violence, as well.  I have encountered all of this so far and I will say she definitely understands the emotion behind it and handles it well.  If you have those triggers, however, I want to ensure you know before reading.  It is a bi-romance fantasy, as Piper has described, and it has lived up to that so far.

Anywayyyyy.

I am excited about this new chapter of my life.  There are so many books I have bought and couldn’t read, but was hoping it was the one.  Assuming I can actually finish this series, I will be picking up those other books and enjoying a relaxing read as often as I can. 

Remembering Joe Marshall

I found this photo looking for something else recently and have been struggling a bit since. I have been wanting to talk about my dear friend Joe and what he meant to me. Fear, doubt, loss. All competing for time in my head.

Joe Marshall
Play Chops and Carry Harmony

This was written on the inside of a Zen book that Joe Marshall gifted me 20 years ago when I was trying to find my spiritual space.

Often I think of WWJD What Would Joe Do? And in his voice in my head, I hear him gently telling me the answer I often already knew, but didn’t want to face. I cry laugh nearly every day when something reminds me of him.

I have been thinking about heavy stuff lately and about how much I would love to have a conversation with him again. His insights into things were always positive, even when he was on a down day. He was the richest and most selfless person I have ever known and I miss him Every Day. There have been so very few people in my life that I trusted completely. There was never a moment that I felt he was not in my corner.

This was the inspiration for my “Chop Wood, Carry Water,” tattoo. He bought this book for me, as he understood the Spiritual Journey so well. Even though we disagreed on what the meaning of it all was, we could agree that we needed to explore it. And he was determined to help everyone find the peace he had found.

I certainly hope I find that peace someday, but his constant and unwavering support for me is still there, even though he cannot be. Thank you for always being there.

I have been, and always shall be, your friend, Joe.

ADHD #4: Analysis Paralysis

The Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

-Gloria Stienem

TL;DR: I can solve complex problems in my head, if I have the data. But when I don’t have the data, I can’t usually act until I have considered all the options. When I have more than one going at a time, I might just shutdown. This shit is gonna kill me. Continue for details. I enjoyed getting this out of my brain, but this one is a ramble…

I have always had the ability to just work things out from what is happening around me in order to make optimal choices to remain safe. I can see in my mind the many possibilities that can happen and choose one to help me. However, I can get into a paralysis state that can make me just act on available data to avoid freezing up. Sometimes, that leads to bad judgement.

I now interrupt this older post for something that happened today that provides an example. I was physically shaking and starting on a high when I wrote this. We will now take a sharp turn in this conversation.

A bizarre series of events, primarily the collection of the Universe’s Choices, led me to realize I needed to sharply look at life. To briefly talk about one of the bizarre series of events: I was in a car accident today. I am ok, but I have other things to talk about. Bear with me, as I explain.

Or, you know, don’t. But that’s all I am saying right now about it.

Here is how I feel right now about it, and it starts with the statement, “I believe in the possibility of Star Fleet.

SPOILER: A quote from Tuvok, to help Illustrate (S6E8 'One Small Step'):
Seven wanted to destroy something that she felt was endangering the ship and told Tuvok. He responded with, “We can’t predict what we might find here, Seven. One must allow for the unexpected Discovery.”

Great episode. Watching it might give more context, but I don’t know.

*taps mic* Hello, everyone. I am here to talk about my healing journey and as I stated, I am high. This went deep for me and some of this may be triggering, I don’t know. Proceed at your own risk.

I believe that we, as a people, will get past this greed and avarice phase, and move to bettering ourselves. I am as certain of this, as I am certain I will never know if I am right. I will be long gone before what I want to see happen will actually happen. Lotta dark times first.

I mean, in Star Trek, they proposed that we need to get noticed in the universe to progress further. That we wouldn’t make it on our own because of our very nature when left alone. We need outside help to keep us under control or we become a petty, violent people.

We don’t need subjugation, as we do to each other, but a powerful enough outside force that we can’t just fight back but is willing to guide us, even for who we are. Maybe, with the right nudge, we can get past this. First Contact can’t come fast enough for me.

A new philosophy is needed on a global scale as we don’t currently have one that benefits everyone. This is evidenced weekly, if not daily in the news, wherever you may consume it. There is current war still happening in several places in the world and many have been rapidly losing basic rights under our very eyes. And it isn’t a slow process; we have just been subjugated by doctrine and greed and only recently have the younger generations been able to get through to us older folk.

Greed has completely taken over our governments and most of the populous of our planet, the former by design and the latter out of desperation. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back. Make them always strive for instant gratifications if they *do* manage to get beyond it. Make them believe anything that will keep everyone at war with everyone else. Out for themselves. Alone. War, death and disease are very profitable enterprises.

What they don’t realize — or maybe they do — is that we are allowing that power with our compliance to the system. This is the world we live in, however you fall on specifics. Racism, sexism, religion, homophobia and transphobia, and more. All human rights that would allow the average to succeed and actually change the world are under fire. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back.

I say all this because I believe that I align with the ideals of Star Fleet, even being aware that I don’t and can’t belong to it. Still, with the examples I have been shown in the historical doc…Star Trek Shows, following Star Fleet Regulations doesn’t seem so bad as a therapeutic strategy. In the end, the only thing that might happen is that I can actually help people, including myself. What I am doing now, isn’t doing either.

So, I am actively learning to control myself and my healing by roleplaying a Star Fleet Officer, stuck in Earth of the past. I will only be in uniform for official duties, where required.

It has sucked to live in this World with these fucking Values, and I would be lying if I told you I wouldn’t rather just quit. I’m tired, y’all.

Disclaimer: Kirk is not Star Fleet’s shining example, but the picture hit the mood. Fight me.

Editor: hunting down that picture found me this gem. Give it a read if you like the Kelvin Kirk.

But many people in the world are tired as well, so I can’t use that as an excuse. Now that I am healing from trauma, I must admit that a Star Fleet Officer would not quit. So, what else can I do? Get the fuck up and start the healing process. Get help. Accept and move on.

It was an accident. The result of a single bad decision. I should not have to give up my life for it.

I am terrified every time I get into a vehicle, but I need to or I have already quit. I was taking it slower, but my timeline just got moved up by the Universe’s Choices. In a moment of ADHD analysis paralysis, I was in a car accident today, as I said above.

Comparing it to other events, I now know that I must drive differently to avoid mishaps. I cannot just follow my whims any more while behind the wheel. I am shaken by the event, and I am using that to become a better driver. There are no other results are necessary, but I will review this choice with my therapist, of course, when she is back from vacation next week.

This was at the end of a fairly stressful July 4th weekend — you will notice I don’t call it a holiday. I was ready to come home and just kick back and relax, but noooooooo. I get to hit someone’s car. Fucking lovely. At least I pay for good insurance for just such an occasion. Everyone involved was not injured and both cars function. I get to pay a deductible and y’all got this wonderful prose as a result. 🙂

Annnnnyways.

I mean to say that I need to get better, faster. We need Star Fleet ideals now, more than ever. It is possible, that this is how the future starts. By a small group deciding it was worth choosing to devote their life to better the future for others. “The needs of the Many outweigh the needs of the Few.”

Taken NOT the Rand way, it says those that have should help those that don’t, what ever the have might be. Until all of us are free, none of us are.

#fact

If you let the characters be real for a moment in your mind, you see that they are the creations of others like you out in the world making decisions similar to you. I can take the time to improve the world while I have it, and maybe make things a little better along the way. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations, a Vulcan philosophy. The ideal exists, but folks are trapped in systems designed as traps. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back.

Maybe we can give this idea momentum and create the reality most of us want. Maybe, if we can find a way to cooperate.

On a final note — I am almost done — this is also coming up as my therapist asked me to discover my parts, the individual little personalities that we all have that sometimes take control unexpectedly or without an agreement with the Self. And you have to deal with that personality until you can bring things back to the Center.

This is one of my parts. I am Star Fleet, whether it exists or not. The values of the Federation will be with me until I die.

“Live Long and Prosper, my friends.”

Walking the Path,

Me.

P.S.: If this inspired you, feel free to share.

Say something…

You should start listening to the song until the both come in together, then start reading below for full effect.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds&feature=share

Fuck. This simultaneously expresses both sides of my relationships. I’ve both seen this in someone’s eyes as they left me, and as I’ve left others.

I was just looking for a slow song to sing for my A Cappella class, and came across this one. And it pushed me down and said,

Shut up and listen.

So I did, as I felt the wave of emotion building in the background of my being. and physically say down to listen. Just in case. That piano…

And then… The wave hits me at, “And I.. ” and then I react to the wave in the usual way.

I’m not crying, you’re…ok, fine, I’m crying. No more toxic male shit.

I don’t care what the doctor says, I’m no genius. I’ll prove it. This is what it looks inside in my big dumb Monster brain that I attempted to translate for you above:

Big Feels. Monster Sad. Sit with Feels, ’cause therapist asked me.
Cry. Learn.
Song over.
Share.

Ok now, Monster do next thing.
Until next Big Feels.

This is how my brain works. I’m not a genius; I’m just a good translator.

Aaaaaand scene. I’m off to bed. Thanks to whoever reads this. It helps me to write it

ADHD #3: The search for Dopamine

TL;DR: I have always been searching for Dopamine, I just didn’t know it. I now have to unravel some very bad habits and its fucking hard. Thanks for sticking with me. Continue for details…

Dopamine, AMIRITE?

So many things about this one. Knowing I am ADHD is interesting. I have started a near full rewrite on my OS to accommodate for this fact. I have to review every existing mask from 40 years of development in order to figure out what is core functionality vs. legacy software that can be cleaned up or updated.

If you struggle to follow this analogy, you might need to first understand Software Development in an Operations area, commonly known as DevOps now. You might also need to understand what masks are. I will explain what I mean when I use these models so it makes sense, but I will also give you the option to skip it. I have recently become aware that what goes on in my brain to explain things is unique (just like everyone else) and I don’t want an undefined term to confuse someone. How can any of this effort I am putting into what is happening to me matter if I am confusing?

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

Under the Spoiler Tag are explanations of DevOps and Masking for those that want them. Are you surprised I took a detour anyway? Still? Wow. I am ADHD, remember?

Explanations
In my experience, before it was a defined thing, DevOps was really the same as performing maintenance on a Formula One Car during the race. They can’t afford to have downtime in those circumstances, so they have optimized their repair procedures to take as little time as possible. What they can take care of before and after the race, they will. But dealing with the circumstances of that many cars at those speeds and all of the things that can happen and making sure they are not off the track for more than a minute requires planning and a high operational knowledge of the race AND cars.

Masking is a social mask that we wear to appear Neurotypical when it isn’t acceptable to be ourselves. I can’t speak for others, but I have a different mask for almost everyone I know. There aren’t many I have let my guard down in front of completely.

My Big Masks are the Work Mask, Party Mask, Sex Mask, Gaming Mask, and Performance Mask. These are then modified for the particular group of people (or person) that I am with. Each of those groups have situations where I need that mask, but I can’t use all of it.

Some social situations are particularly fluid, and require lots of switching. A handful of people (who are probs ND, also) got to see ALL of my masks at one point or another, and a smaller number have seen me without any masks. I think maybe two, not including a few one-night stands that snuck through.

Back to the Search for Dopamine. I am doing a top to bottom rewrite of my masks so I only have a couple left to use when I actually need them, such as Work Mask and Party Mask. I might be able to get rid of the rest of them with some work, but I am having to be seriously and painfully honest with myself to get this far. My biggest fear is that when I am done cleaning up my Mask Software, there will be nothing left.

What does this have to do with Dopamine? Well, some of these masks required some destructive behaviours to be maintained. Party Mask, especially. I am working on that one so it will be available for coping with work when I start again. What I don’t want is to let addiction rule me, which ADHD folks are prone to do. So, I have a “sniffer” on and I limit my exposure to alcohol to when I know I am emotionally safe to do so and I have prepared for the driving thing. I think Lyft might consider me a partner soon, from all the $$$ I have given them in the last year.

But I will NOT drive drunk. I can still feel the handcuffs from the time I did right after my divorce was announced to me. Let me know if you want to know that story, as its kinda interesting. A cautionary tale, if you will.

Don’t Drink and Drive, folks!

Anyway, Party Mask is why I did Cocaine and was tricked into Opium (and why I started liking cows – another fun story) and also why I started drinking and smoking several different things. So much experimentation, but I never did anything with needles. Or hallucinogenic drugs after the Opium experience. I did NOT like that, although I am interested in mushrooms at some point, if I can find the right people to do them with. I am content if I do not, so don’t offer. I will seek someone out if I decide on that.

I really liked cocaine, though, and I did it exactly 5 times and then I quit for several reasons. I do not recommend starting it at all.

  • The First being it was the very first and last drug I did at work. It worked out, as I needed to do a lot of cleaning and man was it helpful for rearranging a game department. But I haven’t been under the influence at work since.
  • The Second was because I saw a future version of me that was dead from OD, and I decided right there that I wouldn’t touch it again. I had to remove a friend from my life because he was much further gone into addiction than I knew and eventually lied and stole from me. We became friends again many years later when he got clean, but it was very difficult to let him back into my life. But it was worth it to finally let that episode of my life go.

You see the race for Dopamine will send an ADHD’er down a black hole that can ruin your life, if you let it. I can quit things if I need and want to, but I sometimes need a kick. I am not proud of the times when I needed to be kicked, but I am still here and trying to dismantle what addictions I have in a manageable way. I can’t stop everything all at once, as I am not that strong. I am starting with my consumption of alcohol and figuring out my limits while still allowing for satisfying my need to novel random meetings of people. I fucking love random encounters.

But, I need to limit them, so I can spend time with my friends and family, as we don’t know how long any of us will be here. You are not promised tomorrow, so make today count. I have been reading some Stoicism stuff and that kinda stuck with me. Memento Mori, and all that.

I have had only one person with me during these experiments and it was quite unintentional. I was intending to go to bars alone, so I don’t burden others with my needs. But you found me out there, and I am glad you did. It has helped immensely. You know who you are, my friend. Thank you.

This means that my friendships are also being tested as I explore and discover who the hell I am and I am grateful to anyone that wants to be on this journey with me. And understand, I bear you no malice if you don’t want to or can’t. I love you all and I wish you all your very best life.

Anyway, this is a lot of writing and I am not sure I said anything useful, but it is now out of my head. I am ready to go think about something else. I hope you have a fantastic journey ahead of you and I thank you for being here.

Walking the Path,

Me.

ADHD #2: I don’t exist for capitalism.

TL;DR: I don’t exist for capitalism. I’m just traumatized from the effects of trying to confirm for half a century not knowing I had ADHD. I need to get my head right, which is what I am doing. Continue for details…

I’m not normal by any measurement, and I’m at least exhaustion level 2 from this shit. I have so many friends that are the same and they are also disabled and I can’t even. You have so much more strength than I do and I applaud you. I’m terrified daily of getting ill but I cannot get myself to care about it.

I need to be more physically healthy.

I need to become spiritually healthy.

I need to be mentally healthy to make those others happen. The machine needs maintenance, but the interface isn’t great and the software needs to update on this old hardware so it can be optimized for growth.

Whew.

This is why I now make my mental health a priority. It’s also why I’m a Star Trek fan, because it provides hope for a better future with a heavy dose of fantasy for coping.

My point was to share this video so I’m going to before I keep rambling on:

@danabanafofana

You are not broken. You do not need to be fixed. #adhd #adhdtiktok #asd #neurodivergent

♬ original sound – Dana

What do you think? Pretty interesting take. I only have a disorder if I’m measured by the corporate overlords’ standards for what a good citizen is. It just turns out I just need to distance myself from them in any way I can. And when I am healthy again, fight them. I certainly hope I get to. The path ahead looks really, really long.

Well? You walk the thousand mile road one step at a time. Thanks for joining me on this journey, if you read this far.

Walking the Path,

Me.