I have heard this song many times, but after my last few months, it hits so much harder today. I wish I could explain better, but…I don’t know how exactly because words are hard. I will try to drop as many clues as I can, right? Right. Moving on.
If you have not seen Ted Lasso, I recommend it. If you’re having trouble with your mental health, this is a great show to binge. Next best thing to therapy – if you are paying attention. If you ARE in therapy – and it is my sincerest wish that you are – you will get added value from seeing examples of how it should work.
It is full of amazing stories. You will cry and laugh and ponder. You will wonder how you are so interested in the fate of these people who play a game you care nothing for. Except now you DO care. For these people, specifically. You want them to win the games. Not because winning matters, but because them winning does. I love these fictional people more than…
Sorry. Had to make some notes for therapy about that emotional connection. But that’s the point, now innit?
Ahem. Binging the show makes the accent come out. 🙂
The writing is excellent and the actors really sell it. They are playing professional athletes with real issues that they work out as a team in real-time right in front of you. It’s brilliant. There are love stories that don’t make you gag because they aren’t all hetero, growth from characters that don’t change who they are but still learn to set and keep boundaries, and their friends who support them and honor them. Men making their own feelings and growth a priority to each other and learning how to lose that toxic Alpha Male shit.
It’s an essay about mental health and how badly this Capitalist Hellscape has devalued humanity as a whole. I was uplifted high when this episode came on. It didn’t stick too long, so I am writing this all down to force me to take the time to process what has been going on with me. And putting a purpose to my healing journey other than just “Getting Better.” That is not granular enough, so I am quantifying it. I am writing down what I want and not just what I think others want from me.
I’ve been very down and have been this way for months. I have been involuntarily masking (except in therapy and around folks who are truly safe) and it is tough to stop. Masking is exhausting now, as I am aware of doing it even if I can’t stop it. It’s like being controlled by a puppeteer or mind-controlled sometimes. I want to say or do something, but my automated routines just take over, and sometimes the only thing to do is leave. I am very good at disappearing now, and that isn’t what I want. I want more.
Sometimes dramatically, like Roy Kent, but most often silent.
I have gotten so much joy from this show, mixed in with the pain and the sadness of watching these folks live their lives. It reminds me of some of my life and the things I go through, of course, and they did a wonderful job of making it feel ok to feel things, even when they suck. And man, some of these feelings SUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Right. I am repeating myself now, so it is time to release you to your lives, already in progress. I sincerely hope you are getting the help you need, even if it hurts to get to a good place. You may have heard this before, but I will say it again for emphasis because I have found it to be true:
You have to go through it to heal it.
Thanks for listening. God-Speed, or whatever narcotic your deity chooses to self-medicate with.
“Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing.”
– Harper Lee
TL;DR: I can read again! At least, I am reading a book that isn’t a technical or game manual! Excite! Continue for details…
Notes for the reader:
If you didn’t know, I have PTSD from various things, and I am an IT Burnout. I spent so much time reading manuals and programming references while on various stimulating substances for many years and it has now taken its toll. I am rebuilding myself slowly. I have not read a book for pleasure unless it was an audiobook and I was on a long drive alone. That does not happen often.
“The candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast. And you have burned so brightly, Roy.” – Bladerunner
Back to your regularly scheduled program, with no further interruptions.
– Editor
I have spent the last 15+ years unable to read more than a few pages of any book that was not a technical manual. And then, I only have that luxury when I am attempting to complete a particular task. I have wanted to read so many books, but ADHD combined with IT burnout made this very difficult.
At least, until I found Piper CJ (linktree) on TikTok. I started following her for folklore info (to help with GMing) and because she was as close to a Fæ as I will ever meet – did I mention I am in therapy?
As I learned about folklore, I also learned of a Book she had written and published herself. Shortly after I bought a copy (which she said had many errors, as she has since had it edited for the current version), she announced an exclusive edition with Barnes & Noble. I…also bought that, as the announcement was for a series of 3. I have a signed copy of 2 and will for 3 as well, but for the first one, I missed the signed copy. I expect I will meet Piper one day at a convention and have her sign it there. Also, the Exclusive additions have her novellas about the world and I am looking forward to those as well.
The important thing for me is that I have books One and Two and I am halfway through One. I am enjoying it so far and I read for perhaps an hour or more at a time. It is coming back slowly, and I get lost in thought a lot and have to re-read sections, but I am reading again.
Trigger Warnings for the book: It has some very jarring scenes and she warns folks of Sexual Content, including Sexual Assault. There is no shortage of Violence, as well. I have encountered all of this so far and I will say she definitely understands the emotion behind it and handles it well. If you have those triggers, however, I want to ensure you know before reading. It is a bi-romance fantasy, as Piper has described, and it has lived up to that so far.
Anywayyyyy.
I am excited about this new chapter of my life. There are so many books I have bought and couldn’t read, but was hoping it was the one. Assuming I can actually finish this series, I will be picking up those other books and enjoying a relaxing read as often as I can.
The Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
-Gloria Stienem
TL;DR: I can solve complex problems in my head, if I have the data. But when I don’t have the data, I can’t usually act until I have considered all the options. When I have more than one going at a time, I might just shutdown. This shit is gonna kill me. Continue for details. I enjoyed getting this out of my brain, but this one is a ramble…
I have always had the ability to just work things out from what is happening around me in order to make optimal choices to remain safe. I can see in my mind the many possibilities that can happen and choose one to help me. However, I can get into a paralysis state that can make me just act on available data to avoid freezing up. Sometimes, that leads to bad judgement.
I now interrupt this older post for something that happened today that provides an example. I was physically shaking and starting on a high when I wrote this. We will now take a sharp turn in this conversation.
A bizarre series of events, primarily the collection of the Universe’s Choices, led me to realize I needed to sharply look at life. To briefly talk about one of the bizarre series of events: I was in a car accident today. I am ok, but I have other things to talk about. Bear with me, as I explain.
Or, you know, don’t. But that’s all I am saying right now about it.
Here is how I feel right now about it, and it starts with the statement, “I believe in the possibility of Star Fleet.“
SPOILER: A quote from Tuvok, to help Illustrate (S6E8 'One Small Step'):
Seven wanted to destroy something that she felt was endangering the ship and told Tuvok. He responded with, “We can’t predict what we might find here, Seven. One must allow for the unexpected Discovery.”
Great episode. Watching it might give more context, but I don’t know.
*taps mic*Hello, everyone. I am here to talk about my healing journey and as I stated, I am high. This went deep for me and some of this may be triggering, I don’t know. Proceed at your own risk.
I believe that we, as a people, will get past this greed and avarice phase, and move to bettering ourselves. I am as certain of this, as I am certain I will never know if I am right. I will be long gone before what I want to see happen will actually happen. Lotta dark times first.
I mean, in Star Trek, they proposed that we need to get noticed in the universe to progress further. That we wouldn’t make it on our own because of our very nature when left alone. We need outside help to keep us under control or we become a petty, violent people.
We don’t need subjugation, as we do to each other, but a powerful enough outside force that we can’t just fight back but is willing to guide us, even for who we are. Maybe, with the right nudge, we can get past this. First Contact can’t come fast enough for me.
A new philosophy is needed on a global scale as we don’t currently have one that benefits everyone. This is evidenced weekly, if not daily in the news, wherever you may consume it. There is current war still happening in several places in the world and many have been rapidly losing basic rights under our very eyes. And it isn’t a slow process; we have just been subjugated by doctrine and greed and only recently have the younger generations been able to get through to us older folk.
Greed has completely taken over our governments and most of the populous of our planet, the former by design and the latter out of desperation. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back. Make them always strive for instant gratifications if they *do* manage to get beyond it. Make them believe anything that will keep everyone at war with everyone else. Out for themselves. Alone. War, death and disease are very profitable enterprises.
What they don’t realize — or maybe they do — is that we are allowing that power with our compliance to the system. This is the world we live in, however you fall on specifics. Racism, sexism, religion, homophobia and transphobia, and more. All human rights that would allow the average to succeed and actually change the world are under fire. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back.
I say all this because I believe that I align with the ideals of Star Fleet, even being aware that I don’t and can’t belong to it. Still, with the examples I have been shown in the historical doc…Star Trek Shows, following Star Fleet Regulations doesn’t seem so bad as a therapeutic strategy. In the end, the only thing that might happen is that I can actually help people, including myself. What I am doing now, isn’t doing either.
So, I am actively learning to control myself and my healing by roleplaying a Star Fleet Officer, stuck in Earth of the past. I will only be in uniform for official duties, where required.
It has sucked to live in this World with these fucking Values, and I would be lying if I told you I wouldn’t rather just quit. I’m tired, y’all.
Disclaimer: Kirk is not Star Fleet’s shining example, but the picture hit the mood.Fight me.
Editor: hunting down that picture found me this gem. Give it a read if you like the Kelvin Kirk.
But many people in the world are tired as well, so I can’t use that as an excuse. Now that I am healing from trauma, I must admit that a Star Fleet Officer would not quit. So, what else can I do? Get the fuck up and start the healing process. Get help. Accept and move on.
It was an accident. The result of a single bad decision. I should not have to give up my life for it.
I am terrified every time I get into a vehicle, but I need to or I have already quit. I was taking it slower, but my timeline just got moved up by the Universe’s Choices. In a moment of ADHD analysis paralysis, I was in a car accident today, as I said above.
Comparing it to other events, I now know that I must drive differently to avoid mishaps. I cannot just follow my whims any more while behind the wheel. I am shaken by the event, and I am using that to become a better driver. There are no other results are necessary, but I will review this choice with my therapist, of course, when she is back from vacation next week.
This was at the end of a fairly stressful July 4th weekend — you will notice I don’t call it a holiday. I was ready to come home and just kick back and relax, but noooooooo. I get to hit someone’s car. Fucking lovely. At least I pay for good insurance for just such an occasion. Everyone involved was not injured and both cars function. I get to pay a deductible and y’all got this wonderful prose as a result. 🙂
Annnnnyways.
I mean to say that I need to get better, faster. We need Star Fleet ideals now, more than ever. It is possible, that this is how the future starts. By a small group deciding it was worth choosing to devote their life to better the future for others. “The needs of the Many outweigh the needs of the Few.”
Taken NOT the Rand way, it says those that have should help those that don’t, what ever the have might be. Until all of us are free, none of us are.
#fact
If you let the characters be real for a moment in your mind, you see that they are the creations of others like you out in the world making decisions similar to you. I can take the time to improve the world while I have it, and maybe make things a little better along the way. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations, a Vulcan philosophy. The ideal exists, but folks are trapped in systems designed as traps. Keep them barely surviving, and they can’t fight back.
Maybe we can give this idea momentum and create the reality most of us want. Maybe, if we can find a way to cooperate.
On a final note — I am almost done — this is also coming up as my therapist asked me to discover my parts, the individual little personalities that we all have that sometimes take control unexpectedly or without an agreement with the Self. And you have to deal with that personality until you can bring things back to the Center.
This is one of my parts. I am Star Fleet, whether it exists or not. The values of the Federation will be with me until I die.
Fuck. This simultaneously expresses both sides of my relationships. I’ve both seen this in someone’s eyes as they left me, and as I’ve left others.
I was just looking for a slow song to sing for my A Cappella class, and came across this one. And it pushed me down and said,
“Shut up and listen.“
So I did, as I felt the wave of emotion building in the background of my being. and physically say down to listen. Just in case. That piano…
And then… The wave hits me at, “And I.. ” and then I react to the wave in the usual way.
I’m not crying, you’re…ok, fine, I’m crying. No more toxic male shit.
I don’t care what the doctor says, I’m no genius. I’ll prove it. This is what it looks inside in my big dumb Monster brain that I attempted to translate for you above:
Big Feels. Monster Sad. Sit with Feels, ’cause therapist asked me. Cry. Learn. Song over.Share.
Ok now, Monster do next thing. Until next Big Feels.
This is how my brain works. I’m not a genius; I’m just a good translator.
Aaaaaand scene. I’m off to bed. Thanks to whoever reads this. It helps me to write it
TL;DR:I have always been searching for Dopamine, I just didn’t know it. I now have to unravel some very bad habits and its fucking hard. Thanks for sticking with me. Continue for details…
Dopamine, AMIRITE?
So many things about this one. Knowing I am ADHD is interesting. I have started a near full rewrite on my OS to accommodate for this fact. I have to review every existing mask from 40 years of development in order to figure out what is core functionality vs. legacy software that can be cleaned up or updated.
If you struggle to follow this analogy, you might need to first understand Software Development in an Operations area, commonly known as DevOps now. You might also need to understand what masks are. I will explain what I mean when I use these models so it makes sense, but I will also give you the option to skip it. I have recently become aware that what goes on in my brain to explain things is unique (just like everyone else) and I don’t want an undefined term to confuse someone. How can any of this effort I am putting into what is happening to me matter if I am confusing?
Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.
Under the Spoiler Tag are explanations of DevOps and Masking for those that want them. Are you surprised I took a detour anyway? Still? Wow. I am ADHD, remember?
Explanations
In my experience, before it was a defined thing, DevOps was really the same as performing maintenance on a Formula One Car during the race. They can’t afford to have downtime in those circumstances, so they have optimized their repair procedures to take as little time as possible. What they can take care of before and after the race, they will. But dealing with the circumstances of that many cars at those speeds and all of the things that can happen and making sure they are not off the track for more than a minute requires planning and a high operational knowledge of the race AND cars.
Masking is a social mask that we wear to appear Neurotypical when it isn’t acceptable to be ourselves. I can’t speak for others, but I have a different mask for almost everyone I know. There aren’t many I have let my guard down in front of completely.
My Big Masks are the Work Mask, Party Mask, Sex Mask, Gaming Mask, and Performance Mask. These are then modified for the particular group of people (or person) that I am with. Each of those groups have situations where I need that mask, but I can’t use all of it.
Some social situations are particularly fluid, and require lots of switching. A handful of people (who are probs ND, also) got to see ALL of my masks at one point or another, and a smaller number have seen me without any masks. I think maybe two, not including a few one-night stands that snuck through.
Back to the Search for Dopamine. I am doing a top to bottom rewrite of my masks so I only have a couple left to use when I actually need them, such as Work Mask and Party Mask. I might be able to get rid of the rest of them with some work, but I am having to be seriously and painfully honest with myself to get this far. My biggest fear is that when I am done cleaning up my Mask Software, there will be nothing left.
What does this have to do with Dopamine? Well, some of these masks required some destructive behaviours to be maintained. Party Mask, especially. I am working on that one so it will be available for coping with work when I start again. What I don’t want is to let addiction rule me, which ADHD folks are prone to do. So, I have a “sniffer” on and I limit my exposure to alcohol to when I know I am emotionally safe to do so and I have prepared for the driving thing. I think Lyft might consider me a partner soon, from all the $$$ I have given them in the last year.
But I will NOT drive drunk. I can still feel the handcuffs from the time I did right after my divorce was announced to me. Let me know if you want to know that story, as its kinda interesting. A cautionary tale, if you will.
Don’t Drink and Drive, folks!
Anyway, Party Mask is why I did Cocaine and was tricked into Opium (and why I started liking cows – another fun story) and also why I started drinking and smoking several different things. So much experimentation, but I never did anything with needles. Or hallucinogenic drugs after the Opium experience. I did NOT like that, although I am interested in mushrooms at some point, if I can find the right people to do them with. I am content if I do not, so don’t offer. I will seek someone out if I decide on that.
I really liked cocaine, though, and I did it exactly 5 times and then I quit for several reasons. I do not recommend starting it at all.
The First being it was the very first and last drug I did at work. It worked out, as I needed to do a lot of cleaning and man was it helpful for rearranging a game department. But I haven’t been under the influence at work since.
The Second was because I saw a future version of me that was dead from OD, and I decided right there that I wouldn’t touch it again. I had to remove a friend from my life because he was much further gone into addiction than I knew and eventually lied and stole from me. We became friends again many years later when he got clean, but it was very difficult to let him back into my life. But it was worth it to finally let that episode of my life go.
You see the race for Dopamine will send an ADHD’er down a black hole that can ruin your life, if you let it. I can quit things if I need and want to, but I sometimes need a kick. I am not proud of the times when I needed to be kicked, but I am still here and trying to dismantle what addictions I have in a manageable way. I can’t stop everything all at once, as I am not that strong. I am starting with my consumption of alcohol and figuring out my limits while still allowing for satisfying my need to novel random meetings of people. I fucking love random encounters.
But, I need to limit them, so I can spend time with my friends and family, as we don’t know how long any of us will be here. You are not promised tomorrow, so make today count. I have been reading some Stoicism stuff and that kinda stuck with me. Memento Mori, and all that.
I have had only one person with me during these experiments and it was quite unintentional. I was intending to go to bars alone, so I don’t burden others with my needs. But you found me out there, and I am glad you did. It has helped immensely. You know who you are, my friend. Thank you.
This means that my friendships are also being tested as I explore and discover who the hell I am and I am grateful to anyone that wants to be on this journey with me. And understand, I bear you no malice if you don’t want to or can’t. I love you all and I wish you all your very best life.
Anyway, this is a lot of writing and I am not sure I said anything useful, but it is now out of my head. I am ready to go think about something else. I hope you have a fantastic journey ahead of you and I thank you for being here.
TL;DR:I don’t exist for capitalism. I’m just traumatized from the effects of trying to confirm for half a century not knowing I had ADHD. I need to get my head right, which is what I am doing.Continue for details…
I’m not normal by any measurement, and I’m at least exhaustion level 2 from this shit. I have so many friends that are the same and they are also disabled and I can’t even. You have so much more strength than I do and I applaud you. I’m terrified daily of getting ill but I cannot get myself to care about it.
I need to be more physically healthy.
I need to become spiritually healthy.
I need to be mentally healthy to make those others happen. The machine needs maintenance, but the interface isn’t great and the software needs to update on this old hardware so it can be optimized for growth.
Whew.
This is why I now make my mental health a priority. It’s also why I’m a Star Trek fan, because it provides hope for a better future with a heavy dose of fantasy for coping.
My point was to share this video so I’m going to before I keep rambling on:
What do you think? Pretty interesting take. I only have a disorder if I’m measured by the corporate overlords’ standards for what a good citizen is. It just turns out I just need to distance myself from them in any way I can. And when I am healthy again, fight them. I certainly hope I get to. The path ahead looks really, really long.
Well? You walk the thousand mile road one step at a time. Thanks for joining me on this journey, if you read this far.
TL;DR: I don’t yet know, but I feel like I am finally on the path, actually walking it. I will miss some of you, though, as I walk this path wherever it leads, if you can’t go with me. I truly pains me. Also, there is a picture of my Cow tattoo at the end of this blog. Continue reading for the details.
It all began what seems like an age ago when she said, “How do you manage your ADHD” as if it was just a fact that you can see when you look at me. I don’t remember my response, but as she explained what she meant when she said it — which really was more a suggestion that I wasn’t managing it very well — she assumed that I knew.
Spoiler Alert
I didn’t.
Fast forward to a month ago when I was handed a paper proclaiming I am ADHD (Combined type) and sat with the Doctor for nearly an hour discussing it. This was after waiting for me to get there late by a half hour to a 4 pm appointment and he had gotten busy with something else. We had just sat down about 4:45 or so, in a side conference room, as the other rooms where full.
I began (and still am) processing that moment when I went from “maybe” to “certain.” All of the questions started coming up.
Who am I now? Am I different? Am I going to lose everything as I become who I am? I have already lost some, and it was my fault. I didn’t understand why I had to hide and I hurt someone when I cocooned. As I was told recently, “Hurt people hurt people.”
And I have been hurt. I am not asking for sympathy, as I deserve everything that happens to me for my actions in all of them, whether I wanted them to happen or not. I have been struggling with burnout for at least 5 years and it has crashed both of my most recent relationships. I have had several breakdowns during my last two jobs and have been unemployed since. I lost someone dear to me during that time, as she just couldn’t handle a broken me and I completely get it. I had another breakdown recently trying to process who I am and my masks just…failed. It was catastrophic and I will now remain single, at least until I can figure out who the hell I am. I am not hurting anyone else if I can help it.
As I said, “Hurt people hurt people.” And I have done my share. But this story is not about my failed relationships, so I will save the rest for my therapist. Sorry for the distraction.
So, I was in the room with the doctor. Was I just a curiosity to him? Was I something for a medical journal somewhere?
Does God exist? Who invented liquid soap and why?
Side note: When he told me my test results, he also mentioned my IQ. I have only told a few close friends and family that number, as I am still processing what it means that I qualify for Mensa. I mean, I have been convinced that I am stupid my entire life. Quite frankly, I am still convinced, although I am now evaluating. I really think it just means I am good at taking tests.
Another take for the gamers: I somehow managed to put a bunch of points in IQ and very little in useful skills, so I get to run off defaults for almost everything. Throw in some charisma, a decent voice and a low self esteem and you have a great starting point for a character that I didn’t intend to design. Go figure.
He mentioned that he has only seen this kind of test result among a couple of the 10,000+ tests he had administered and he had been looking forward to meeting me. He bluntly said, “You are a genius. Had you made it to graduate school, you would have really started to get challenged. I wanted to know more about you.”
In my head, when he said this, I heard Mal say, “Top 3%, don’t know how smart you are,” as my brain parses all statements made by all people as song lyrics or movie quotes, like the liquid soap comment earlier. Or both, when they intersect.
I forced myself through the dissociation of what I was hearing and he just…sat there patiently smiling and waited for me to wrap my head around the information. Like someone who had seen this before and knew it would take a moment for me to be ready to talk about any of it. So, I took my time and reviewed what I had heard, talking only a little.
After a few moments, filled with silence and a few awkward coping jokes, we started diving into what my life had been like and things I could do going forward, including medication, meditation and other mental activities and exercise. He gave me a list of right/left brain activities and a list of games designed to exercise them. The games on the sheet I had played before, and I also told him about some of the games that I like. Like Twilight Imperium, for example, which is a monster of a game. He was rather stunned that games like that existed. I recently got into a game called War of Whispers and it scratched the same itch, but with MUCH less crunch. A full game is less than an hour and its glorious.
Aaaaaaanyway, he ended with the statement, “This is all good news. Now, you know.” And he was right and wrong all at once. Now, I know. Also, this changes everything.
Since that meeting, I have started some of the things in the list, mostly in the mental arena, and I am researching (and talking with doctors and my therapist) about the rest. I had a most relaxing moment yesterday with some guided meditation and I actually stopped generating thoughts for a moment, as I was fully engaged in the moment. It was pure serenity and I will likely be trying it again today. If I can find enough novelty in the guided meditation to actually learn the skill, I may be able to learn to walk about meditative. I have always wanted to learn those skills.
My mind went blank and my entire train of thought derailed. I guess I am done. I will continue when my brain finds the interest again.
I will leave you with the tattoo I recently got of my cow, His Lordship Cowfred, Marquis de Last Kiss, and King of the Pasture.
