Category Archives: Journeys

ADHD, Journeys, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

ADHD #1: Who am I?

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TL;DR: I don’t yet know, but I feel like I am finally on the path, actually walking it. I will miss some of you, though, as I walk this path wherever it leads, if you can’t go with me. I truly pains me. Also, there is a picture of my Cow tattoo at the end of this blog. Continue reading for the details.

It all began what seems like an age ago when she said, “How do you manage your ADHD” as if it was just a fact that you can see when you look at me. I don’t remember my response, but as she explained what she meant when she said it — which really was more a suggestion that I wasn’t managing it very well — she assumed that I knew.

Spoiler Alert
I didn’t.

Fast forward to a month ago when I was handed a paper proclaiming I am ADHD (Combined type) and sat with the Doctor for nearly an hour discussing it. This was after waiting for me to get there late by a half hour to a 4 pm appointment and he had gotten busy with something else. We had just sat down about 4:45 or so, in a side conference room, as the other rooms where full.

I began (and still am) processing that moment when I went from “maybe” to “certain.” All of the questions started coming up.

Who am I now? Am I different? Am I going to lose everything as I become who I am? I have already lost some, and it was my fault. I didn’t understand why I had to hide and I hurt someone when I cocooned. As I was told recently, “Hurt people hurt people.”

And I have been hurt. I am not asking for sympathy, as I deserve everything that happens to me for my actions in all of them, whether I wanted them to happen or not. I have been struggling with burnout for at least 5 years and it has crashed both of my most recent relationships. I have had several breakdowns during my last two jobs and have been unemployed since. I lost someone dear to me during that time, as she just couldn’t handle a broken me and I completely get it. I had another breakdown recently trying to process who I am and my masks just…failed. It was catastrophic and I will now remain single, at least until I can figure out who the hell I am. I am not hurting anyone else if I can help it.

As I said, “Hurt people hurt people.” And I have done my share. But this story is not about my failed relationships, so I will save the rest for my therapist. Sorry for the distraction.

So, I was in the room with the doctor. Was I just a curiosity to him? Was I something for a medical journal somewhere?

Does God exist? Who invented liquid soap and why?

Side note: When he told me my test results, he also mentioned my IQ. I have only told a few close friends and family that number, as I am still processing what it means that I qualify for Mensa. I mean, I have been convinced that I am stupid my entire life. Quite frankly, I am still convinced, although I am now evaluating. I really think it just means I am good at taking tests.

Another take for the gamers: I somehow managed to put a bunch of points in IQ and very little in useful skills, so I get to run off defaults for almost everything. Throw in some charisma, a decent voice and a low self esteem and you have a great starting point for a character that I didn’t intend to design. Go figure.

He mentioned that he has only seen this kind of test result among a couple of the 10,000+ tests he had administered and he had been looking forward to meeting me. He bluntly said, “You are a genius. Had you made it to graduate school, you would have really started to get challenged. I wanted to know more about you.”

In my head, when he said this, I heard Mal say, “Top 3%, don’t know how smart you are,” as my brain parses all statements made by all people as song lyrics or movie quotes, like the liquid soap comment earlier. Or both, when they intersect.

I forced myself through the dissociation of what I was hearing and he just…sat there patiently smiling and waited for me to wrap my head around the information. Like someone who had seen this before and knew it would take a moment for me to be ready to talk about any of it. So, I took my time and reviewed what I had heard, talking only a little.

After a few moments, filled with silence and a few awkward coping jokes, we started diving into what my life had been like and things I could do going forward, including medication, meditation and other mental activities and exercise. He gave me a list of right/left brain activities and a list of games designed to exercise them. The games on the sheet I had played before, and I also told him about some of the games that I like. Like Twilight Imperium, for example, which is a monster of a game. He was rather stunned that games like that existed. I recently got into a game called War of Whispers and it scratched the same itch, but with MUCH less crunch. A full game is less than an hour and its glorious.

Aaaaaaanyway, he ended with the statement, “This is all good news. Now, you know.” And he was right and wrong all at once. Now, I know. Also, this changes everything.

Since that meeting, I have started some of the things in the list, mostly in the mental arena, and I am researching (and talking with doctors and my therapist) about the rest. I had a most relaxing moment yesterday with some guided meditation and I actually stopped generating thoughts for a moment, as I was fully engaged in the moment. It was pure serenity and I will likely be trying it again today. If I can find enough novelty in the guided meditation to actually learn the skill, I may be able to learn to walk about meditative. I have always wanted to learn those skills.

My mind went blank and my entire train of thought derailed. I guess I am done. I will continue when my brain finds the interest again.

I will leave you with the tattoo I recently got of my cow, His Lordship Cowfred, Marquis de Last Kiss, and King of the Pasture.

Sometimes it is worth reading to the bottom. 🙂

Walking the Path,

Me.

Journeys, MaryJane Epiphanies, Spiritual Things

Many people will remember me…

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as Rockstar. The Party Animal. The Commodore of the Fleet. The Asshole DBA. And other ways I couldn’t even connect the dots to Me, but there it is.

Some will remember me as the Funny Guy they drank with, hung out or gamed with, maybe only at cons or through Work or Work Travel. Or some combination of those.

A handful of folks will remember Chris.

The vast majority of the universe won’t remember me at all.

And I am becoming OK with all of this.

Walking the Path,

Me.

Journeys, Life Events, MaryJane Epiphanies, Spiritual Things

A Decade of Grief and Healing

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@creatingwonders

Daily Reminder 😌

♬ original sound – Jesse J. Pedigo

Exactly this.

My good friend John Wick said recently that if you would write it in your diary, you shouldn’t post it online. I replied, “Welp. I’m doing it wrong.” And I meant it. But I also am doing it wrong on purpose. It’s the only way for me to get better. I have to share, even if noone reads it. It’s a moral imperative.

Because its the right thing to do.
Because its the right thing to do.

I have been hiding specifics from a thing many of you already know about. I think it is hurting me at a much higher rate than I expected by not sharing — it’s like I am bleeding out inside some days. And the worst part? I am ready for it, if it happens. I don’t want it, but I won’t try to stop it anymore. Life does what Life does.

That said, I want to get better. I want to heal this shit. I want to get back to laughing at life and not dreading it. My fear is, like climate change, I might be too late. I can really only try to mitigate the damage from here. But I will not stop trying. A rest here and there, and compassion and kindness to myself as I do it, but Try, I Will.

Also, fuck Yoda’s bullshit. You can’t know if you can or can’t unless you fucking try. Trying IS doing. The Jedi (and the Sith, but worse) are really fucked up, you know? THIS is why we have trauma. Damn.

Sorry. That has been bugging me for awhile.

Trigger Warning: Without removing the need for the spoilers, please understand the following is a recount of my car accident. It is mostly unedited and raw, and may be hard to follow at times. I opened the gate and just let it flow. I don’t know how it will affect you, but if you aren’t sure, there is no shame in skipping it.

Be Kind To Yourself
Be kind to yourself
Aaaanyway, here are some specifics, if you want them. If not, keep scrolling to the apology, below.

10 years ago this week, I was in a car accident and totaled my BMW. A passenger in the other car — I say her name in my head every time I think about it, but I won’t speak it aloud.

That sentence was not complete on purpose to illustrate how my brain works. You see, I have now paused that experience to prepare for the unmistakable flashbacks that are about to occur. I can only do this for a minute, and then I will be viewing them. During this time, I dissociate, but still manage to handle basic functions, like writing with blues in the background. Like right now. Oh, here it is

— was killed on impact. I didn’t know this yet, because there was smoke in the cab and I had to get my kid out of the car. It was very painful to open the door with a broken hand, but I didn’t know that yet either, so I did it anyway. I got my kid out of the car and went to see about the other car. When I got there, I saw them both in the car, unconscious. I noticed a second condition on her, however. She was also dead. Very clearly, and most unequivocally, dead. And I had just killed her.

Not on purpose, not an intention I wanted, but the impact was clear and permanent. Regardless of why or how, I had taken a life. And I knew then I would deal with it for the rest of my life. At that very moment, I was also worried about prison and what would happen to my family, and what the other family was going to do and how could I fix this no you can’t you are just finished. End of life. Fuck.

And then, I am on the side of the road on the cold ground waiting for it, hand throbbing, freezing, but absolutely uncaring. I did not want to continue living at that moment.

And then, someone put a blanket on me. I might have tried to refuse, but it gets fuzzy from here and jumps a bit and I remember it out of order.

Oh! There was a scare that a baby was in the car and had been thrown clear, but it turns out they were grandparents and had a car seat for their grandkid. This one didn’t hit me until the next family gathering. Holidays have kinda sucked for me since then. I struggle to be around people around the holidays, now.

Several people started yelling at me early in this encounter, for various reasons. When they began to realize I wasn’t some crazy drunk, they stopped and I remember some of them trying to help me. Then there were lots of lights and police and paramedics and such all around. I was sitting on the ground for most of it.

I tried to get a drink of water at one point, but the police officer said I couldn’t until I had been drug tested. I remember being very compliant. I also remember them having to put the blanket on me several times after that, because I didn’t deserve to not be in pain when she was dead.

Suddenly to me, it was time to go to the hospital for drug testing (only high levels of caffeine were found) and to get checked out. I grabbed a few things from the car and got into the back of the cop car with Jaz. It gets really fuzzy from here. The things I remember:

  • Jaz was okay after x-rays and I had a broken hand.
  • Someone was coming to pick us up.
  • The driver of the other car was shaken, but ok.
  • The passenger of the other car had been killed.

The Officer that informed me of things was very nice, and sat quietly with me while I cried about that last point. I was informed that I was free to go when the doctors released me, and there were no charges filed.

I have almost no memory of events after this until I was back in my house some days later. I don’t even remember how I got home. Thank you, to whomever that was.

I remember going to the bar to get drunk, as I was scheduled to get on a plane the next morning for Dark Con 2012. I was kicked out of the bar for threatening someone while I was drunk, which I had not remembered at all. I just remember Rachael saying, “Rockstar, you need to go home. Now.”

And then I was home, and then I was at Dark Con. I met Meg Foster – she was so concerned for my broken hand – and saw many friends, and cried a lot and then I was back at my house in Arkansas. I don’t remember the flights on either end. When I got there, I went back to work, getting rides from folks because I had no car.

Once I got the insurance money for the totaled car, I bought Clifford, the Big Red Truck for some damn reason and drove it until just last year.

8 months later
8 months later

8 months later I was arrested for Negligent Manslaughter with no warning. That story is for another time, when I have the spoons to tell it. But, I am now an ex-convict, and I have served my sentence.

The inevitable apology: I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused too many of you. I love you all and I’m working on a better me. I find it’s far more difficult than I thought, as I dig through my past to fix my future. It is downright nightmarish, as — PLOT TWIST — I found a ton more trauma that I wasn’t dealing with. And some of that was the way I treated people.

I am so sorry. I might make some personal apologies, where that might help the other person, but if it only helps me? I will leave it in therapy, most often. My poor therapist.

If you feel I owe you an apology, I will not be offended if you ask. As I said, my memory of events is sketchy at best. I am open to buy you lunch or a drink and chat about it.

I am not asking to talk about this specifically, but if you want to engage with questions, I will answer them. At this point, if my experience can prevent another accident or help someone through one, I am willing to open my heart to you. I never want anyone else to feel this way. If you do or have felt this way, then…

I wish I could hug you.
I wish I could hug you.

Most importantly, although I have let them know they don’t have to read this, I apologize to my Spawn, Jaz, for the trauma that was inflicted upon them in this experience. I can’t know what effect it had on them, but I know it was severe. I will not relate anything about their experience in the accident beyond this account, as that is their story to tell. This is in no way endorsing questioning them about this experience, either. Please be respectful. They will talk if they want to. Thank you.

So! I’ll be Solo Polyamorous from here. I can’t be selfish anymore or hurt others because I haven’t dealt with this.

"That's, like, quite a lot of issues."
That’s, like, quite a lot of issues.

Will I be in another relationship? No idea, really. I know right now I can’t be in a committed relationship and I abruptly ended my last one in a blur of emotions. I am not proud of it, but I can’t change it now. I honestly don’t think I could have done it any differently. It seems, I am my own friend with benefits until I figure me out.

The Road Goes Ever On and On, as the poem says. I guess my adventure starts today.

Thanks for coming to my ChrisTalk.
Thanks for coming to my ChrisTalk.

Walking the Path,

Me.

Journeys, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

Today’s running code:

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So, I decided to write out some of my thoughts in code, to see if they make sense. I was struggling to get things done today, and had to prioritize things that had to be done vs. things I want to get done. The writing below is pretty much what went through my brain. I have run it, reached FuckIt(), and am currently regenerating. I am not asleep, so I had enough spoons to get this written.

NOTE: This is pseudocode from several of the various languages I know. I am choosing various syntax purely for readability of my message. I know it won’t compile and I don’t need to be told. If you need it to compile, feel free to rewrite it and let me know. I am happy with it as it is, since it runs on ChrisOS just fine. 🙂

Today’s Code: 

#> cat DoStuff.exe
#> #/bin/chrish -w

//start of Code
spoons = GetSpoonCount(); // do I have the energy?
fucks  = GetFuckCount();  // can I give a fuck?
spoons = spoons -1; // evaluating counts costs spoons.

// If I don't give a fuck, we are done.
if (fucks < 1) { 
    FuckIt(); // if we are here, go look at FuckIt subroutine below.
}

// Otherwise, let's try to get something done! 
// if we have positive spoons, then let's go

// loop over plans and start doing them
for plan in plansForToday {
    // check to see if you still care
    if ( spoons > 0 AND fucks > 0 ) {	
        effort = GetEffort(plan);
        if ( effort > spoons OR effort > fucks) {
            FuckIt();
       }

        // if we got here, we are doing shit!		
        DoTheThing(plan);
        fucks  = (fucks  - effort);
        spoons  = (spoons - effort);
    }
    
    // because sometimes I just randomly lost more spoons
    // for no fucking reason
    spoons = spoons - rand(0-2) ;    
}

if ( fucks < 1 ) { 
	FuckIt();
} 


// subroutines
sub FuckIt() {
    print "Fuck It.";
	if (spoons < 1) {
		print "I am done.";
		sleep(10000);
	}

    exit;
}

//End of Code
#> exit
Thank you for coming to my ChrisTalk.
Thank you for coming to my ChrisTalk.
Journeys, Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

Ink Therapy, addendum

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I told you why I got each tattoo, but not why it is was so important that I hardcoded some of my code onto my arms, so I will see it every day for the rest of my life. This is some Oath Level shit to myself. I am scared shitless, but I am now committed.

This picture was perfect in so many ways that I had to use it. A very small number of people are in the center of the Venn Diagram where that makes sense.

You see, I realized shortly before I got the tattoos, but could not verbalize it yet. Now, after having them for a day, I think I can do that.

I realized that the greatest thing I could ever learn, was just to love. And be loved in return.

EDITOR: I am a bit high right now and that song just snuck in. Its not…wrong, but a little dramatic. Sorry for the distraction.

My actual realization was that if I wanted to remain mentally healthy, it would require maintenance. And so, it means that the rest of my life is therapy now. Which means every interaction, every moment I get to spend with someone is important. And if I don’t find the strength to actually love someone without being afraid of it, I will be alone. I must be, for my sake and theirs.

“Nothing is Trivial”, said the Crow.

Sorry, I have a flair for that. Anywaaaaaaay…

I now will start to enjoy my life, as I have deprived myself of acceptance for the moments when I was happy for the last few decades. I never felt I deserved it, not ever. I have now hated myself so long, that I had forgotten how to let myself be happy. The accident made it worse, but it wasn’t the real problem.

I literally had to write shit on my skin to start healing, so that I would feel the pain long enough to just fucking let it go. The only way I was getting out of this was with pain, the same way I got in. Blood calls out for Blood, as Londo once lectured.

But, that is too dark and cryptic for even me to really want to understand right now, so I will spare you.

The important thing is:

Everything is Therapy.

\\//_ Live Long And Prosper, my friends. _\\//

Me.

Journeys, Life Events, Spiritual Things

Ink Therapy

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Today was a good day.

I turned in my Holter monitor and the Cologuard thing I was putting off until I had to go out for something else. Its just how my brain works, ok? Anyway, I got dressed and headed out to the UPS Store and on the way, began planning my route.

After UPS, I realized I was just driving around, avoiding coming home for some reason. I had several errands to run, but I didn’t need most of them to be done. I could just go home. But I just didn’t wanna go home yet. So, I just embraced the idea of just getting as much done as I could of all the outstanding things that needed done and kept driving. When I was done doing errands, I would reward myself.

I started getting inventive, as I no longer had and agenda. I moved away from my standard method of analyzing my route as precise as possible, ensuring the least amount of effort. Instead, I decided to attempt a hunt for the Giving Pump at Shell. Its a pump that they donate a portion of the sales of to Charity. But, they only have a few and they are not easily found when you are trying not to use your phone in the car and it stopped being fun rather quickly. I will research that one better and try again later.

I hit some stores to pick up some very specific items when I drove by Ink Therapy Tattoo a second time. I am not a mystical man, in that I believe in other worldly beings and such, but I am a 5 year old. I decided to stop in.

As I entered and was waiting to speak to someone, I posted on Facebook:

This is what happened.

Jack came to see me and asked what I wanted. I explained that I wanted a consult. After a bit of conversation, he decided he was willing to see me today. We agreed on a price and I waited again for him to draw up my tattoos. Once we had collaborated on the idea, we went back to the chair and got started.

I got two tattoos. One on each arm. They are:

The left was a phrase I learned from a dear friend, but with a funny twist, as he always did. Something about Playing Chops and carry tunes? I can’t remember anymore, but that conversation had weight and has been one of several methods to keep it all going. Joe, I will never forget your friendship and your counsel. I could have used it alot over the last 8 years, but I know you would have stayed if you could. Everyone that knew you missed you. And so, you are on my left arm, so that I will never forget you.

On the right, I was inspired by Sam Wilson, the Falcon. He was conversing with Bucky Barnes in the Falcon and Winter Soldier series, and the moment if the show resonated with me and started me on my current path. I was already walking it, but I wasn’t truly committed to it. The following is a spoiler from the show explaining it.

Do The Work
Bucky was being whiney about his trauma, and Sam had clearly had enough. He said, “Are you ready for some tough love?”
Bucky nodded.
“If you want to get through your trauma, then you need to Do The Work.”

I am paraphrasing, but you get the point. It is a phrase that I can’t get out of my head and it has guided me forward as I continue my journey.

I came home soon after that, had dinner with Jessie and then went to my room to play games. I made really good progress on Horizon Zero Dawn. The story is engaging and he characters are fun. The graphics are beautiful.

Oh, and I wrote this. 🙂

Anyway, thanks for listening. As I said, it was a good day.

Walking the Path,

Me

Journeys, Life Events, Spiritual Things

Going Away Blog

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We all knew this was coming. I waited long enough, so folks knew I put up a fight. I tried to live here, and it’s nearly killed me. I’m am filled with regret as I depart Arkansas for Arizona. Not because I’m leaving – that was inevitable – but because I’m leaving with so little and so much later than I expected.

I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for multiple times in the last 23 years, and I’m now fleeing the state, unemployed and broken. My heart, my mind, my body; all broken.

I wasn’t broken enough legally or socially to be allowed to stop and recover, though, and to get some rest without breaking completely. Nope, I had to straight up lose my job and not look for another to clear my head and start getting my mind right again.

Healthcare in this country is the worst. Vote!

So, I am off to Arizona to try my luck at living in the  Sun  again.

I’m not sure what the next chapter is, but I’m burned out on IT. I’m sure I’ll use computers and such, maybe even script a bit for  optimum laziness , but I don’t want IT to be my focus anymore.

I really want to fix myself enough to be me, again. The guy who wanted to sing, practice martial arts, and laugh and drink in a carefree way.

A me that can help people again.

A me that can read and write what’s on my mind.

An expressive me, that shows people exactly what I’m thinking.

To finally, be done with the grifter I was forced to be and back to the ex-paladin monk bard that I should be. I mean, I wanna play that character and I actually can, if I want.

Yeeeeeeeeaaaahhhhh!

Is that impossible as an adult? I don’t think so. And I’m working towards it. I might get there before I am recycled, and I will undoubtedly tell you about it, if I do. Call this, my Kobayashi Maru, and I plan to  Kirk  it up as much as I can, but in a  Jadzia Dax   style. As much as my age and disability will allow, of course.

If that sounds appealing, becoming our ideal selves, I cannot see what is stopping us except us not willing to try anymore because the  RWM  system has emotionally  crushed us .

So, if you are hearing about my move at this writing, you’ve missed your chance to say goodbye in person. I apologize for this, but it cannot be helped. I’m either gone or so far into the process that I  can’t stop now . You won’t get through to me while I’m on the task of reducing my life down to a truckload for transport across the country. During a pandemic. While unemployed.

I didn’t say I was smart.

But, for the first time in my life, I am thinking long term. In order to get my self well again, I have to go. If I stay, I will die here, in all of its forms. This is a moral imperative.

First and formost, if I spend the next month with goodbye parties and meeting for lunch with anyone, I risk my life and those I will be living with in Arizona, my new  Cootie Pool .

Second, I barely have time to get this shit done, as it is. If I stop to say goodbye, then I won’t make it out of here. I will miss y’all alot and if you want to wait for a response, I will reconnect when I am settled.

Lastly, VOTE. I delayed as long as I could to make sure I was able to vote in this election. It matters. PLEASE DO IT.

Anyway, I won’t be visible in NWA anymore but I’ll still be out there. You can reach out to me through normal channels or at   my website, which also has my resume in case someone has a sweet gig designed just for me.

No? Oh well. You get nothing without trying too. Always worth it, no matter what Yoda says.

If you have another means to contact me, you’re free to try. I am focused and cannot guarantee a timely response, but I’ll get back to you as quick as spoons and duties will allow.

Thanks for all you’ve done for me over the years. Everyone I’ve known here in NWA has given me something that made me better, even if our experience was small or even negative. I remember having a lot of fun here, amidst the backdrop of trauma and work, and I will never forget the Land where I was once known as Rockstar.

See y’all later, Arkansas! It has been a pleasure.

Ok. I am on my way, Arizona, but don’t get too excited yet. I am not compromising my cootie pool(s) for anyone else, so it may be awhile before we see each other in person. I will not bend on this rule. Understand that I take my friend’s health seriously, even if they don’t. That’s on them, but I won’t see anyone that whines about it or doesn’t wear a mask.

I finished a neat, well written rant about this (that I just deleted), so I will spare you. Please understand that it was concise, direct and absolutely offensive to some. I reserve the right to rant later, as needed. Please wear a mask.

Well, I suppose that’s enough. Don’t expect most people have even read this far, so now I am just fuckin’ around. With that in mind, I guess I will leave you with this final thought… No, I’ll let Bilbo tell you:

…and finally, he said, I wish to make an ANNOUNCEMENT. He spoke this last word so loudly and suddenly that everyone sat up who still could. I regret to announce that — though, as I said, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to spend among you — this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOOD-BYE!

-Bilbo Baggins, under the Party Tree
https://imgur.com/gallery/79htoXb
Adventure!
Journeys, Mad Ramblings, Movies & TV, Music, Spiritual Things

That’s all I have to tell you

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I officiated a wedding recently, and it always requires me to reflect on my own life and experience with life. Let me start by saying I am not unhappy with the life I lead, at least not more than one would expect living in a Corporate capitalist society, right?

To distract from the nervousness I feel about officiating weddings, I will unerringly start to reflect on my own failed marriage, and all the failed relationships I have been in — and those that I wished I had been in. It inevitably leaves me with pain and sadness. Even though the relationship I am in is the best I have ever had.

This, in turn, leads to listening to sad songs and/or watching sad movies or TV. This time it led me to watching an episode of The Orville, “Lasting Impressions,” in which Gordon falls in love with a simulation he created from a cell phone left in a time capsule.

There are spoilers forthcoming. It is necessary to illustrate what I am feeling at this time. I recommend either 1) go watch the episode, or 2) stop reading now. 🙂

I don’t have a ton of capacity to stop myself from feeling emotions – I never really have. They come, I experience them as near 100% as I can, and then they go. Sometimes, I really don’t want to experience them, but here comes the E-Train any way, so I get to choose to be run over or get off the tracks. Most often, its the former, as I struggle with depression.

But sometimes, once in a while, y’all get the privilege of seeing what I am feeling on the page as I record it for posterity. The words just come out and I can stop them or write them down. I am told it is good for me to do this, and I do when I can manage to get off the tracks early enough to sit and watch the train go by more relaxed. Here is that vision.

I started singing along to a song that I really like and I could hear the train a comin’ ’round the bend. I stopped working on the wedding script and just listened for a moment, enjoying the beauty in his voice, the simplicity of the music.

I began to cry.

I realized, that I wasn’t going to get any more done for the moment until I processed these emotions, so I went full on into them. I pulled up the Episode of the Orville I mentioned and watched it all the way through.

More crying.

I found the video of just the song that someone had cut together from the earlier and later performances in the show so that I could just get lost in it for a moment. I recommend you do the same. I’ll wait.

That’s all I’ve got to say

NOTE: I managed to NOT watch The Last Unicorn after this, which I think is a personal accomplishment.

So, there I was, no longer crying, but completely full of feels. I was not doing anything; I was fully into that moment of doing nothing but hearing, seeing, feeling everything that was going on.

Although I was sad, I was also at peace, which is a rare thing. I found myself smiling.

And then I remembered the most important moment from the show and decided to share that with you.

“People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. This one reached across four centuries and made a guy fall in love.

We should all be so rare.”

Commander Grayson, The Orville, “Lasting Impressions”

I don’t expect anyone to understand why it meant so much to me, as it was my moment. My enlightenment, as it were. But for that moment, I was ok. For just a moment.

I believe we are all capable of this peace, but it may require learning to see the train coming, jumping off the tracks, and just enjoying the rush of feeling as it zooms by. That is what therapy (and medications) can help with.

Everyone is different in how they get to peace, but we are all capable of it if we can get help. I did, and I am slowly coming back from the edge.

I hope this sparks something good in everyone that managed to read this far.

Anyway, I love you. That’s all I have to tell you.

Walking the Path,

Chris

Gaming, Journeys, Rambling, Spiritual Things

A thought for today

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I have been playing Elite:Dangerous lately, and it is a really wonderful game. I have also been playing in a Vampire: The Masquerade game online with a few friends. The game is intended to be a long running game, and it begins in Ancient Greece about 403 BC, with the PCs as humans who are not yet embraced.

During the initial encounters with the first actual vampires the players meet, their powers were staggering and mysterious. As one of the PCs dealt with it, he was trying to describe the bewilderment. It wasn’t appropriate to say it then, as it would kind of break immersion but I was again reminded of this exchange between G’kar and Catherine Sakai, in Babylon 5:

Catherine Sakai : Ambassador! While I was out there, I saw something. What was it?
G’Kar : [points to a flower with a bug crawling on it]  What is this?
Catherine Sakai : An ant.
G’Kar : Ant.
Catherine Sakai : So much gets shipped up from Earth on commercial transports it’s hard to keep them out.
G’Kar : Yeah, I have just picked it up on the tip of my glove. If I put it down again, and it asks another ant, “what was that?”,
[laughs]
G’Kar : How would it explain? There are things in the universe billions of years older than either of our races. They’re vast, timeless, and if they’re aware of us at all, it is as little more than ants, and we have as much chance of communicating with them as an ant has with us. We know, we’ve tried, and we’ve learned that we can either stay out from underfoot or be stepped on.
Catherine Sakai : That’s it? That’s all you know?
G’Kar : Yes, they are a mystery. And I am both terrified and reassured to know that there are still wonders in the universe, that we have not yet explained everything. Whatever they are, Miss Sakai, they walk near Sigma 957, and they must walk there alone.

Traveling out in the void in space ships and dealing with mysterious supernatural folks had me reflecting on the great mystery that is life.

Walking the Path,

Chris

Journeys, Spiritual Things

Adam Savage: A love letter to Cosplay

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Please take the time to watch it all, if you ever wondered about why folks wear costumes and go to conventions.

I am in tears after I watched this. It is..just beautiful.

Walking the Path,

Me