I am officially out of spoons and am focused on recharging. As usual, it is complicated enough that I have no one to talk about it to but my therapist. /sigh
Without any warnings that I picked up on, my brain turned on the Empty light and I suddenly thought, “Fuck Societal Standards!” That led to “Fuck Capitalism!” and then “Fuck Male Toxicity!” and also “Fuck Greed!“
This spiraled to the point I am at now, which can be summed up as, “Fuck Everything.” I will let you know when I am back from this dark fucking place.
And, No Thank You, I don’t need anything from anyone. I appreciate the thought. I can deal with this.
Also? If anyone knows where I can swap it out, I want a new brain.
Any way, have a nice day, y’all. Try to be better today, than yesterday. That’s all I got for you.
In this one of many possible worlds All for the best or some bizarre test? It is what it is and whatever Time is still the infinite jest
I officiated a wedding recently, and it always requires me to reflect on my own life and experience with life. Let me start by saying I am not unhappy with the life I lead, at least not more than one would expect living in a Corporate capitalist society, right?
To distract from the nervousness I feel about officiating weddings, I will unerringly start to reflect on my own failed marriage, and all the failed relationships I have been in — and those that I wished I had been in. It inevitably leaves me with pain and sadness. Even though the relationship I am in is the best I have ever had.
This, in turn, leads to listening to sad songs and/or watching sad movies or TV. This time it led me to watching an episode of The Orville, “Lasting Impressions,” in which Gordon falls in love with a simulation he created from a cell phone left in a time capsule.
There are spoilers forthcoming. It is necessary to illustrate what I am feeling at this time. I recommend either 1) go watch the episode, or 2) stop reading now. 🙂
I don’t have a ton of capacity to stop myself from feeling emotions – I never really have. They come, I experience them as near 100% as I can, and then they go. Sometimes, I really don’t want to experience them, but here comes the E-Train any way, so I get to choose to be run over or get off the tracks. Most often, its the former, as I struggle with depression.
But sometimes, once in a while, y’all get the privilege of seeing what I am feeling on the page as I record it for posterity. The words just come out and I can stop them or write them down. I am told it is good for me to do this, and I do when I can manage to get off the tracks early enough to sit and watch the train go by more relaxed. Here is that vision.
I started singing along to a song that I really like and I could hear the train a comin’ ’round the bend. I stopped working on the wedding script and just listened for a moment, enjoying the beauty in his voice, the simplicity of the music.
I began to cry.
I realized, that I wasn’t going to get any more done for the moment until I processed these emotions, so I went full on into them. I pulled up the Episode of the Orville I mentioned and watched it all the way through.
More crying.
I found the video of just the song that someone had cut together from the earlier and later performances in the show so that I could just get lost in it for a moment. I recommend you do the same. I’ll wait.
That’s all I’ve got to say
NOTE: I managed to NOT watch The Last Unicorn after this, which I think is a personal accomplishment.
So, there I was, no longer crying, but completely full of feels. I was not doing anything; I was fully into that moment of doing nothing but hearing, seeing, feeling everything that was going on.
Although I was sad, I was also at peace, which is a rare thing. I found myself smiling.
And then I remembered the most important moment from the show and decided to share that with you.
“People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. This one reached across four centuries and made a guy fall in love.
We should all be so rare.”
Commander Grayson, The Orville, “Lasting Impressions”
I don’t expect anyone to understand why it meant so much to me, as it was my moment. My enlightenment, as it were. But for that moment, I was ok. For just a moment.
I believe we are all capable of this peace, but it may require learning to see the train coming, jumping off the tracks, and just enjoying the rush of feeling as it zooms by. That is what therapy (and medications) can help with.
Everyone is different in how they get to peace, but we are all capable of it if we can get help. I did, and I am slowly coming back from the edge.
I hope this sparks something good in everyone that managed to read this far.
Anyway, I love you. That’s all I have to tell you.
This is NSFW, has harsh language and is not my opinion. I only post this because I agree with some of what he is saying. I know some of you will be upset by it, but I hope you can get past that and hear the core message. This message will likely hurt if you are already upset about President-Elect Trump, so wait until you are emotionally prepared.
PRESIDENT-Elect Trump. Get used to that.
For the record: I do feel that safe spaces are a good idea (some people are in real danger) and that calling people on racism, sexism, and similar things is the right thing to do. I am not certain we have been doing it correctly any more, so I am evaluating sources that I don’t normally evaluate. Please realize – just like everyone else – he is ranting because he is upset. I am not asking you to agree, but to evaluate the message in the rant. If you can’t, fine. I bear you no ill will.
I agree with his core argument:
We need MORE debate, MORE discussion, and LESS silence and shutting people down because their views differ from ours. We must be more persuasive.
I agree that I am part of why this happened.
I agree that I have done nothing, and for that I am ashamed.
I speak for me, and me alone. Don’t think I am talking about your behaviour specifically. If you have been speaking up, good for you. I would encourage you to both continue to do so AND to evaluate how you have been doing it. No one is perfect, and everyone can get better.
I will not insult a President before they act. I did not vote for him, and I do not agree with most of what he plans to do. Still, he has real information about our country’s State of Affairs now, and it is possible he may change some of the positions he has held. That is a reasonable action for someone to take and I am waiting on judgement until I see what he does with the power. I will not say I am hopeful, but I am waiting.
I would be happy to discuss this with anyone in person or over the phone. Feel free to PM, call or email me if you want to chat. I will not be engaging on Social Media publicly about this.
On the 50th anniversary, no less. I am a lifelong Star Trek fan. This makes me sad. I love other sci-fi, as well, but Star Trek and its dream of a better future have always appealed to me.
This is the Kobiashi Maru for Fan Films, and I see no way around it other than for CBS/Paramount to become better people, but that is unlikely. I just hope that there is a Kirk among the fans to reprogram this thing.
TL;DR I think I can finally forgive myself for taking the life of another in my car accident. At least, now I understand how.
I was at my counseling appointment today and had a breakthrough. As she was talking me through the process of what my code allowed for punishment for infractions, she started asking some questions that led me to being able to allow forgiveness for my actions. The questions went like this:
What is the longest punishment you have ever given your daughter?
I thought about this and it was only a week. She had made a mistake in a responsibility situation and I grounded her for a week. We discussed it and came to an agreement about it, as she did not agree with the punishment. while I stand behind the need for the lesson, I can now admit the punishment wasn’t necessary. We both learned from it, and have moved on, and I realized I was too hard on her. It was a great learning experience.
If she had done what you had done, how long would you have punished her?
This hit me hard. I realized there would, of course, been NO punishment. I would have assured her that she had done nothing wrong and tried to help her come to grips with it, exactly as all of my friends have done. I knew I had a guilt complex over the accident and was seeking penance, but I did not realize just how ridiculous it was to punish myself forever for this mistake. By all accounts, I had made a momentary bad judgement call that cost someone their life. I have since studied and learned all that I realistically can from this event and it is time to move on.
That is now what I am doing. Moving on. I don’t have to let this one event take over the rest of my life. I can move on at last.
I love my hobby and encourage everyone to try it. I well personally defend everyone’s right to play games safely without harassment. I share this as a service to those abused and as a warning to abusers.
This behaviour is criminal and should be treated as such. I encourage law enforcement and store owners to take these threats seriously.
I recommend store owners post *and enforce* a statement similar to this one in your establishments.
“We are aware that some of our fans have had negative experiences in the community. Let it be known that Company/Store does not stand for any racist, sexist, or otherwise bigoted behaviour. We care about providing a healthy and competitive gaming scene for everyone. If we see or hear any abuse, the offending player will be reprimanded, and, if necessary, expelled for an indefinite duration.”
I will not tolerate abuse in my presence. My games are a safe haven and I encourage everyone to make this same oath at their games.
You have my permission to share this oath. Spread it far and wide. Let them know they will not win.
I started watching The Last Samurai recently (again), and it occurred to me that the most beautiful love scene was in this movie. There is no sex, so it is safe for all viewers.
And then, my second favorite, from the Movie “Phenomenon”.
Also, this last one, which isn’t really safe for all viewers, due to the audio. Amazing scene from, “Her.”
I feel I should explain some things. Those of you that have been near me (and dealt with me), already know this. For the rest of you, here is why I did the embarrassing, middle of the night, drunk post.
I have an issue with depression. It has been with me most of my life, but with the accident a few years back, it has been more pronounced. It is now PTSD level of effect. I take some meds for it and I have changed my life to compensate as best as I can. I have spent several years dealing with health issues since the accident, and I am starting to see evidence of them being more psychological. I have heart palpitations, fatigue and major shoulder pain in the same side as the broken hand from the accident.
I have also had work related stress and the depression has made it hard to get up and go to work everyday. Recently, it has been easier due to some forced behaviour changes at work, but it is still a struggle every day to Just.Get.Up. I do it and I produce, but I have real difficulty doing the necessary basic things to get by.
But I digress. On to the point of this exercise; my dear friends and this post on FaceBook.
When I posted that stupid post, I was drunk. For the first time in months, I picked up a drink. I was just wanting to make my brain stop. It was a really bad idea. It was, overall, a great night. At the end, as usual, it got weird. My Depression came back with a vengeance and thus, this post.
Again, Bad Idea. I know this now. But, it had several unintended affects.
1) I found out, that from everyone else’s point of view, I am some kind of a badass.
2) Also, I was contacted by several friends in private to learn some pretty cool things about me and them. Once of them shared some PTSD advice, that I will be using. It got him through Afghanistan; it can get me through a car wreck.
3) I need to stop drinking. Completely. I obviously cannot handle my emotions under the influence. I *love* the taste of the craft beers that are being made these days, but the health ramifications are just not worth it. I suppose, this is goodbye, until I get a handle on this. If I ever do.
4) I am surrounded by amazing, caring people. Wow.
5) And, apparently, I am good in bed. Good to know.
I am hurt certainly. It comes and goes. It came on HARD when I posted that status. I am through it now and I will keep going through it, I am sure. I have my reminders set around the house to help me remember the things that you said. And I will repeat these things to myself every day.
I am a good man.
I am a smart man.
I am an honorable man.
I have always valued others more than myself, and recently, I have valued them exclusively and NOT myself. I am going to do my level best to change that. I don’t know how I will fare, as this is a medical thing, not a “just get over it” thing. Depression is real and it is a medical issue, even if the various insurance companies and corporations don’t see it that way, I will seek help and I will make changes.
Thank you all for the sympathy, the advice, the kind words, and the hugs where it was possible. As usual, I leave you with a song.
See you in the world.
UPDATE: For those that see this and didn’t see the facebook post. The entire thing, with a little extra funny at the end…
I heard this song on random play today and it hit me; I very recently met a person that has changed me. I didn’t even see it coming. It is not often that someone does so on a profound level. I have deep friendships with many people, and they have changed me as well. But not like this. She has woken things in me that I had buried long ago. She has inspired me and put me into deep reflection mode.
I am not in love, just to clear that up, and that is not what I am talking about. She is someone that I *could* love romantically, no doubt, but there are too many factors in the way of that. Distance (both time and space) and loyalty being the highest on the list. So, that is not on the table with her, and I knew that as I started getting to know her. She is an incredible flirt, and as I love that activity as well, so we can enjoy that for the few days she has left here.
You see, she is moving to Prague and our friendship will be a little harder to maintain. She will be busy teaching English as a Foreign Language to folks there, and enjoying the beautiful City of Prague. There will be little time for a friendship with folks here, and that is a good thing. Her adventure starts later this week and I am extremely happy for her. I will get back to her shortly, but I have the point of this writing to make.
You see, I have been stagnant for a long time. I have so many things to do and I haven’t really been doing any of them. Since I became single, I shut off the part of me that cares about love and relationships, and I have sabotaged several that have come my way. That is ok, because long term, I never wanted to live here anyway. For that reason, I have only been with a few women, as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea about me and fall in love with me. Not that I am that much of a catch, but I still don’t want to hurt anyone because I am not into commitment. Well, my current vows end with “until sunrise do us part.”
And it got worse after I met a girl who I tried for more than she wanted and it hurt. There have been women, and I will admit that I loved several of them, but I always hit the big three. Too young, taken or too far away. I just couldn’t make it happen and the pain was Just.Too.Much. So, it was shut off. That led to other parts of stagnation, and eventually, after my car wreck, I went completely dead inside. I mean, I cared about nothing. And it just crept up on me.
I can summon up enough to get what I need done and that’s about it. I make folks laugh so I can summon up the excuse to laugh. I know I might seem happy sometimes, but I am not. I hate who I have become, and yet I can’t shake it. I play a lot of games to fill my time and use that as an excuse to not do the things I need to. I need to fix up my house. I need to improve my health. I need to increase my skillset to something more modern. I want to learn the guitar and/or piano so I can write more music. I want to write a novel.
So.Many.Things. But, I don’t care.
And then here comes April. Smart, funny, driven, gorgeous, nerdy April. I saw her boundless energy and I was infected. For a few moments, I thought I might have developed romantic feelings for her. And although, I am absolutely attracted to her in a Buffy-Spike sorta way, I am certain that that is not the reason I met her. What the self-reflective part of me noticed was something absurdly Simple. So completely obvious, that I didn’t see it; I was just confused by it. Can you guess what it is?
I am feeling again. I can fucking feel something. Wow.
I am so extremely sad that she and I will not get to do some really fun nerdy things together in the short term, but I am certain that in a few years, we will meet and swap stories. I am also extremely grateful that she took the time to let me get to know her and vice versa. But I can feel it. And that makes me happy. I want the pain. I want the joy. It will drive me to get better; to get new things.
To my new dear friend April: I hope you find adventure, great new things and your “safety pins” moment. When we meet again somewhere on this planet (or another if we can swing it), we will swap stories of what we have done since we lasted parted. And if we don’t meet again for some reason, then I expect the stories to be told regardless, and with a toast to absent friends.
Much love, my friend. Go forth and make epic times, my friend. I am ready to do the same. I don’t know what will happen next, but I am finally awake again, and I thank you.
