Category Archives: Mad Ramblings

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

A song to overwhelm me

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I haven’t written in a while, so I figured I was due. So many things in the last week. GenCon; a missed 30 year reunion; Robin Williams; my daughter going back to school; missing a friend’s entire pregnancy, as she delivered today. Everything good that happened was marred ever so slightly by pain.

I really don’t have much to say, but this: I miss singing. So much happening; so much pain and joy all mixed into me, that singing is all that really makes me able to let it all go, if only for a moment. Nothing else does it for me. Nothing at all.

Except for beer.

Still, I would rather be singing. I was listening to various songs while working, and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. This is where I am, and I can’t make it any better, at least right now. So, I just hang it up and keep busy.

Well, then. I’ll just leave you with a haiku.

Chau.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things

Memory Catalogue: Let it Ride

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Many years ago, a friend and I went to a BTO concert. When I heard this song on the radio the other day, it reminded me of that time and a funny story that I always think of when this song plays.

My good friend Steve Bue and I were enjoying a few beers and enjoying the show.  When it was my turn to go get refills, I had to stand in line for quite a while.  You see, they had this two beers for two bucks deal – and by deal, I mean that was all you could bye.  We were on upwards of 6 or 7 beers at this point, and I was pretty buzzed.  So, when this song came on, those signature chords, I turned around and threw both hands up into the air in elation.

It is at this point, I should mention that the aforementioned hands had just been given two beers, one for each.  Both of these beers went airborne and forward, creating an alcoholic shower that landed perfectly and completely on the biker that was standing in line behind me.  I stood there and stared at him.  He stared at me, with beer dripping off his long hair, beard, and leather jacket.  It seemed as though an eternity passed when I realized that neither of us had spoken.  I took the chance and, lowering my arms, I spoke to him.

“I love this song.”

He stared at me with a serious face for a moment.  Then, he took a step forward and I sensed that my life was at an end, at least with my bones intact.  As I readied myself for the beating that I deserved, I heard his voice, speaking clearing over the music.

“Me,  too.  And it looks like you need a couple more beers.  They’re on me.”

The joke was lost on me then, as he smiled, slapped my shoulders and bought me two more beers and handed them over.  We both enjoyed the rest of the song together and I headed back to my seat to give Steve his brew.  We laughed and enjoyed the rest of the concert.

To this day, I will never forget this memory when I hear this song.  Enjoy.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things, Writing

Memory Catalogue: Don’t you forget about me

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This song hits me like a ton of bricks. As I sit in the coffee shop listening to a most exquisite 80s playlist, this song came on and several things hit me at once, all of them pretty damn awesome.

First, of course, is Breakfast Club. And all the quotes that come with it.

“Impossible, sir. Its in Johnson’s underwear.”
“Will milk be made available, for us?”
“Chicks can’t hold the smoke. That’s what it is.”
“Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

And so many more. I love that movie and I will likely watch it again, very soon. But that isn’t the most powerful memory. It reminds me of walking the streets of Seattle. There is something unique about each city, and Seattle has an atmosphere that is just amazing to walk in. It is almost always wet, but not always raining, at least in this memory.

And then there is this coffee shop – and coffee, in general – that it brings to mind. A flash of things, really. All walks of life; lawyers, punks, preps, geeks, hipsters (before they had the name, duh) and more. I remember there was a suit next to a punk – cleaning his knife on the table! – and they were talking politics. It was pretty cool.

And then, then girl. The one that got away. We were on a date, but she had a boyfriend at the time, so it was just a moment away from life fro the two of us. Romantic on the inside and polite and proper on the outside. A movie, coffee and then it was over.

But I know, she didn’t forget about me.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things, Writing

Memory Catalogue: Fast Car

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Fast Car, performed by Christian Kane

In 1985, I was cleaning rooms in a Ramada Inn, as I couldn’t get any other job with the skills I had.  I had dropped out of college, just quit a fun job with a horrible employer, and was given the ultimatum that two months was too long for my roommate to be covering rent.

So, there I was, going room to room, cleaning up after others who were travelling, living life.  At least that was the place I was at. In my head, folks that could afford to be in a hotel room anywhere were far better off than I was.  I spent every day cleaning toilets, sinks and bathtubs in a meticulous fashion, and living in a perpetual self-induced pity party.  Who had it worse than me?  No one, right?

EDITOR: Ignorant little fuck.  Plenty of folks did. Look around.

Anyway, as a habit, every time I cleaned a room, I turned on the radio in the room in an attempt to drown out my own thoughts about my poor, pathetic life.  It was during this time that Tracy Chapman hit the charts with “Fast Car” and I heard it every day, sometimes more than once, during my incarceration with the hotel cleaning staff.

Somewhere in there I found my self-worth (or some of it, anyway) and rose up against my oppressors (self-doubt, personal pity, ignorance and low self-image) and quit that job.  I just walked out.  I felt great.

I had another within a few days and started moving on.  In perspective, it was actually a worse job, but my head was in the right place and I had a blast with it. It was a turning point and hearing these lyrics were the catalyst.

But, from that day forward, I hated this song and wouldn’t listen to it.  I even tried to cover it in a band I was in and failed at it.  I couldn’t sing it, and I am not entirely certain it wasn’t on purpose.

It was a window into the weaker, pathetic me.  The one I didn’t want to return to, or remember.  I pushed it back to the recesses of my mind, as something unimportant and not worthy of remembering any longer.  I just didn’t want to remember that low point in my life.

A few years ago, after hearing Christian Kane sing on a Leverage episode, I began following his career.  During that process, I saw that he had covered this song.  I was intrigued, but didn’t really want to hear it.  I still couldn’t look at me that way.

And then, I met Rachael randomly in a bar and we immediately had the truest, most honest friendship I had ever known. There was literally nothing we couldn’t say to each other and she read me like a book.  A damn kid’s book, too.

See Chris.  See Chris talk.  See Chris bitch about his life. See Rachael.  See Rachael call his bullshit.  See Chris laugh instead of emotionally run away.  See Narrator look stunned.

Through her, I became unafraid of exploring myself and who I was again.  I don’t think she understands fully just how much I value her friendship, but I hope she does.

Thank you, doll.  I won’t ever forget what you have done for me, even though life won’t let us hang out as much right now.  You deserve all the good things in life.  

So, somewhere in that process, I listened to this version and it woke up all those feelings.  I was going through another low point, much lower than before.  I spent most of my time in bars at that time, so you might get an idea how low, but this time I had a legitimate reason.  I took it to Rachael and poured all of this out.  It was cathartic.

This time, I could hear the younger me talking to the current me, like Qui-Gon appearing to Yoda, and realized that I could learn from the younger me.  I was telling myself to get out of that damned hotel and get on with my life.   EDITOR:  The bar was in a hotel that used to be a Ramada, ironically.

This time, the student was the master, and the master listened. I told the pity party to get in that Fast Car and keep on driving.  I am fine right here.

Walking the path,

Chris

Conventions, Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Music, Notification, Rambling, Writing

A mixed bag (of dicks) – 2013

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I have to say, that this year was a mixed bag for me. As I write this,  I considered one of these statements to open with:

I have to say, this year sucked. It can eat a bad of dicks.
I think this was a pretty decent year, despite the setbacks.
I think this year was rather Meh.

None of those captured it.  So, I think I will go with this opener.

This year was pretty much a wash. I think it only needs to nibble on a bag of dicks, but it still needs the bag. I really does.

I did some fun stuff this year, and had some changes that just sucked. Still, I am physically ok, even though I am challenged by body maintenance due to a profound of NOT taking care of it for awhile. So, let’s get that out of the way, shall we?

The Bad Stuff

Medical

I was in the hospital twice and called 911 several times to deal with an atrial flutter (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atrial_flutter). I was in the hospital for four (4) days and was eventually rebooted* and discharged. That was an ok experience, as I was coached by my doctor in front of my manager, saw some damn sexy nurses – I was not able to do anything about it. Mixed bag, right? – and had decent food for a hospital. I then had to lie on my ass for a week to recover from the reboot*.

* re·boot [v. ree-boot; n. ree-boot, ree-boot]
verb (used with object)
1. to restart (a computer) by loading the operating system; boot again.
verb (used without object)
2. (of a computer) to be restarted.
noun
3. an act or instance of restarting a computer.

In this case, I, or rather, my heart, was the computer.  They gave love a bad name, and hit me with 70 Jules, and then with 150 Jules right in the kicker.  I would tell you what it was like, but the last thing I remember after they got set up was saying, “I think the Demorol is kicking in…”  I woke up some time later in my bed with my CPAP machine on.  They insist that I was hilarious through the process, and I am sure they weren’t lying.  One of the nurses told me when she came in when I asked what happened while I was out,  “Congratulations on your engagement!  I think you will love the kids!”  I didn’t bite on that, because marriage and me aren’t even friends on Myspace, no what I mean?

Anyway, that was the highlight of that experience until I read the discharge notes.  I was to stop drinking alcohol and start on a low sodium diet.  I keep it under around 1200-1500 mg per day and I will tell you this is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  But, I am discovering how to cook again and an amazing amount of new foods.  I am not going to be that guy, so I will just go to whatever restaurant folks want to go to and order low sodium stuff – like water – and make it through.  In fact, I have been for over a month and I think I am doing ok.  I will get better over time.  My heart is strong, but the reboot takes some recovery time.

The downside of all this was getting hit with hospital bills

Transportation

I couldn’t drive all year, which made most of the year difficult at best.  I missed out on lots of things and it put certain plans I had so far on the back burner, I had to turn it off.  I am hoping, now that I can get my license back (just coordinating to get the logistics done, as I still can’t drive – the irony), that I will be getting some traction on plans that I have been putting off for a long while. I will keep you posted.

The Passing of Friends

I had several friends pass along this year.  Cheryl O’Connor, Steve Bue, and Ricky Lindroos.  Although I was not close with them recently, I knew them long ago and they will be missed.

The Good Stuff

Conventions

I was able to attend/work Gencon, Glitchcon, and Arkcon this year.  I will be attending DarkCon in the next few weeks, as well.  I missed Dragon*Con, which I am mildly sad about, but I *might* hit it next year.

Gencon was overwhelming.  I enjoyed it immensely, as I was able to see some great friends there, and meet some new ones.  I spent much of my time in the gaming and vendor rooms, and then just chilling with those friends at night.  It was a great time.

Glitchcon was a lot of work (not nearly enough, though – this year will better), as I tried to do to much of the work alone.  I will be forming a team for this year, so that won’t be an issue, but this year was not up to my standards for work.  Still, people had fun, I was party to a really fun game that was written there, and it was a success. Lots of fun was had.

Arkcon:  Drunken Artemis.  ‘Nuff said.  Ok, not really.  It was a really well run game room and I hope it will be the same this coming year.  I am really looking forward to it.

People

I met some really cool people this year and will hopefully have the opportunity to do some really cool things.  We shall see.  I also plan to reconnect with folks with the license obtaining thing happening soon.  Now just to deal with the fear of driving…

Games

I spent too much money on games this year, as I was spending too much time at home alone.  So, games.  I have been playing some fun ones, but I am not used to spending this much time with them, and I feel guilty I haven’t been writing enough.

Writing

I took a class on writing and it has helped me to understand some of the ways to frame a story.  I am hoping to more writing in this next year, as I think I will do a much better job.  I have 3 or 4 books I started writing, but without a good outline, I never finished.  Now that know how to create an outline for a novel, I am hoping to get them done this year.  So, less games/TV and more writing.  Wish me luck!

Music

I am in the Walmart Associate Choir.  We perform at various company events throughout the year and it has given me the opportunity to get my singing muscles back in shape.  I have recorded a few songs this year, just to see how my voice sounded on them, but due to the copyright laws, I am not supposed to share them.   /sadface

Next year, I want to record some of my original songs, and I am looking for folks to help.  I tried learning guitar this year, but I have come to the realization that I just suck at it.  I bought a bass guitar, as I seem to be forever stuck in bass clef.  I will let you know how it goes.  Being a singer/bass player/drummer can’t hurt my chances in the long run.

This is the end

And so, as I close out the year – and this blog – I just have to say it wasn’t a great year, but I have certainly had far worse ones.  I hope your Holiday Season has been fabulous and that you made it through as well.  Hears to a better 2014!

I will leave you with the immortal words of Barry Manilow, as performed by John Barrowman, Captain Jack Harkness himself:

I made it through the rain, I kept my world protected
I made it throught the rain, I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain, And found myself respected
By the others who got rained on too
And made it through

Walking the Path,

Chris

Mad Ramblings, Music

Love is Christmas

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UPDATE:  The correct file is now uploaded.  

UPDATE, the Second: I re-read the laws around this and although I am not asking for money, this is still considered distribution.  I have taken it down, but would still love for you to hear it.  If you want to hear it, please contact me directly and I will share it for you to hear. Sorry about the confusion.

Some of you – Ok, it was one of you – asked to hear what this would sound like with my voice.  I am performing it live this week and while practicing, I decided recording it would help.  It did, as I had to scrutinize my performance much more. Understand that I used a crappy microphone, a custom backing track that I purchased for this this reason, and audacity.  I made a pop filter out of a disposable handkerchief and a bent up clothes hanger.   The sound quality is horrible, but it was the best that this kid could make happen on short notice.  Time to get some better equipment, right?

It was a ton of fun and I hope you like it.

Oh, and Happy Holidays and stuff.  Remember, that some of us spend much of our time alone over the holidays and need a pick me up.  I miss having a full house of people at Christmas, playing games and telling stories.  Sometimes there was pain and sadness, sometimes there were pop-it bead fights, and usually there was good food.  Once with more olives that we could stand, but good food.

Always, there was love.  For each other and what we meant to each other.  

Remember those days and remember that I loved every moment of it, even when I had to leave to avoid a fight or when I was divorced and was just visiting.  The Christmas season, as painful as it can be and as horrible as people can be to each other this time of year, is a reminder of who we are.  We can be decent to each other for just a moment and remember to love each other.

For just a moment, we remember we are all the same.  Little beings in a short life on a speck of dirt floating in the vast universe, trying to figure it all out.  And we stop long enough to enjoy each other during the winter, over a contested holiday for the faith-full or an excuse to be out of work for a little while and see family.

Enough with the rambling!  Sorry! You want to hear a song, if you aren’t listening to it already.

This means something to me and I am sharing it with you.  I am not looking for feedback or praise.  Just enjoy it.  And remember to Be Excellent to Each Other.

Love is Christmas, by Sara Bareilles, performed by Chris Colbath 2013

Disclaimer:  I claim no ownership to the song or music, but I have paid for the track for personal use.  I expect no payment for this work, nor will I accept it. It was purely for enjoyment and for the enrichment of my friends.  Please refrain from posting or sharing without this disclaimer.   It was originally performed and recorded by Sara Bareilles, whom I respect.  If you like it, please check out her version of the song. It is far better than mine.

Mad Ramblings

17 things about me

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I was given the number 17. Like my status and I will NOT give you a number.  If you want a number, roll 3d6 and use that.  Click the link to get that number.

Here are 17 things most people likely don’t know about me.

  1. I still love every woman I ever fell in love with. On any given day, I am sad for the things I did to lose them. Some days, I don’t think of any of them. Those are my better days. Today, I thought of all of them, writing this.
  2. I have only slept with 11 women, no matter what you may have heard, and only a few of them more than once. I am very selective.
  3. I think about death every day. Life in every breath.
  4. I broke my nose playing soccer as a kid. I forgot I wasn’t the goalie and I moved my face in the way to prevent the goal. I played the rest of the game with a broken nose.
  5. I don’t like change, but I have learned to embrace it. I have had a lot of it in the last 5 years.
  6. If I could afford it, I would run for President. I think I can both handle it and I would do some good. And then get shot.
  7. When I was young, I wanted to be a cop, a marine, a Rockstar, a samurai and a ninja. I ended up being a little of each.
  8. I used to ride the public transport system in Phoenix looking for criminals to punish. I stopped several crimes without a fight by intimidation.
  9. I was sent to the store once to get chicken and eggs. I stopped at the door and called my wife to ask which one I should buy first. When she hung up, I called my Dad. I eventually flipped a coin.
  10. I was refused entrance into the Marine Corps when I was 20 on medical reasons.
  11. I am not a donor because I don’t want someone to harvest my organs if they find I am a compatible match.  I want to be cremated so I can’t be a zombie later.
  12. Jack Daniels makes me mean.
  13. I am scared shitless every time I am in charge. Not because I am afraid to talk in front of people or to make decisions. But because it scares me to think that people might actually feel I am a leader and I might let them down.
  14. I sometimes hit such deep levels of depression that I can’t talk to anyone. I just sit at home and watch movies until I fall asleep.  No, I am not a danger to myself.  Shut it.
  15. When I was young, I wanted to study with Bruce Lee. When I found out last year that I was in his Martial Arts family, I was humbled beyond words. RIP Bruce.
  16. My first attempt at being a father was when I was dating a girl who was Off.Her.Rocker.  I was that little girl’s father for about 9 months and we became very close.  To this day I still say “kids” when I talk about mine.  I regret not keeping in touch with that little girl. I think about her often and how she is doing. She would be 27 or 28 now.  Carrie, I miss you and I hope you are doing well.
  17. I would gladly give up my body to have an android one. I don’t really want an organic body anymore. Either that, or I’d like to be a White Court vampire. If you don’t know what that is, read the Dresden Files books.

There you go. Things about me.

Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

A holiday wish for you

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I was looking for songs to sing for a Christmas show I was asked to perform and came upon this one. I can’t stop crying.  I know I have people who love me and that I have done bad things.  Some on purpose and some not.

What is making the cry so happy and sad is that I prevented someone from having Christmas. There is a family or families that are missing someone they love because of me.

Why so scared that you’ll mess it up? When perfection keeps you haunted.
All we need is your best my love, that’s all anyone ever wanted.

Love is how we do, let no judgment overrule it.
Love I look to you, and I sing.

These are the lyrics that got me crying and made me realize that I won’t get better, but I will learn to handle it. I am handling it, but I now feel I have to sing this song. As painful as it is, it is healing for me. But more importantly, it is a tribute to Mrs. Paule. I am so very sorry for my mistake.

Don’t forget those you miss these holidays, but please, oh please, don’t miss the ones that are here.  If this is their last – or your last – you will regret not letting them in or being angry at them.

I know some people may not seem deserving of it, but many are.  They are largely just fuck-ups like us, really, and will stand outside in the snow watching the party rather than risk the pain of knocking on the door to come fix whatever they broke. Maybe, just maybe, they are worth one more try. Maybe.

Happy Holidays, everyone. May they bring you Love and Healing in the best possible way.

Walking the Path,

Chris

Gaming, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

BDH

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This has been around the net several times, but I like it and what it says about my particular set of folks that I associate with.

flash

We believe in acceptance of others, because we ourselves need it. We have been through it and we are willing to add *anyone* into our fold, whatever they are.  Race, gender, sexual orientation, religious preference, Browncoats, Jedi, whatever.  We are a diverse group of people through gaming and nerd culture and we don’t care who you are.   If you want to be one of us, you are in.

Unless you are Sith.  Fuck those guys.

Just kidding, as long as you don’t touch the younglings.  Srlsy.

In small ways, every day, we seek to be better than we are. And if someone is in need, we generally love and *seek* to help others.  and this photo is proof of it.  I know all of my friends that Cosplay would make sure this kid found his parents, regardless of what it cost them.  Because we know that with great power comes great responsibility.

We don’t just read comics or watch movies or play games.  We become them.  We are nerds, and we are proud.

So, what does that make us?

Big Damn Heroes.

Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

Through the tears

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This woman speaks to me from across the world. I try to hold it back, I try not to face what I must, and then I am drawn to her songs. The tears fall, the pain starts. I write, and then, for a moment, I am at peace.

This is every day for me. Some days, it is really, really hard to hold on, but I listen to this. I see her smile.  And then, I smile through the tears.

I will likely never meet her, and even if I do, I won’t be able to express what she has done for me. But if the message gets to her, I just want to say, “Thank you. Through the tears, thank you.”