This song from this movie hits me. I am not 100% sure it is even possible to do it, but I know I want to change. I recommend listening to the song while you read this, if you can.
I have had my brain re-programmed against my will, as if ransomware took over processing and said, “The price is more than you will give.”
Everyone knows where my life went south. Since then, I have been continuously failing at everything I do. Father, Lover, Worker, just everything. I am just fucking lost and the path is dark ahead.
Still, I watch something like this and the fire is lit again, for just a moment. When they perform on stage, I remember the feeling of singing in front of many people. I have had the privilege of singing in front of large and small audiences – I think my largest is about 3000 at a company event – and I absolutely ate it up.
There is no high like singing for me. The excitement, the fear, the orgasmic delight of entertaining other people is just the highest I think I have ever felt. Granted some of the performances, I actually was high or drunk, but most of them I wasn’t because they were at work.
I have been in quartets, rock bands, sung karaoke, and just in the shower. When I feel low, the urge to sing just hits me.
I officiated a wedding recently, and it always requires me to reflect on my own life and experience with life. Let me start by saying I am not unhappy with the life I lead, at least not more than one would expect living in a Corporate capitalist society, right?
To distract from the nervousness I feel about officiating weddings, I will unerringly start to reflect on my own failed marriage, and all the failed relationships I have been in — and those that I wished I had been in. It inevitably leaves me with pain and sadness. Even though the relationship I am in is the best I have ever had.
This, in turn, leads to listening to sad songs and/or watching sad movies or TV. This time it led me to watching an episode of The Orville, “Lasting Impressions,” in which Gordon falls in love with a simulation he created from a cell phone left in a time capsule.
There are spoilers forthcoming. It is necessary to illustrate what I am feeling at this time. I recommend either 1) go watch the episode, or 2) stop reading now. 🙂
I don’t have a ton of capacity to stop myself from feeling emotions – I never really have. They come, I experience them as near 100% as I can, and then they go. Sometimes, I really don’t want to experience them, but here comes the E-Train any way, so I get to choose to be run over or get off the tracks. Most often, its the former, as I struggle with depression.
But sometimes, once in a while, y’all get the privilege of seeing what I am feeling on the page as I record it for posterity. The words just come out and I can stop them or write them down. I am told it is good for me to do this, and I do when I can manage to get off the tracks early enough to sit and watch the train go by more relaxed. Here is that vision.
I started singing along to a song that I really like and I could hear the train a comin’ ’round the bend. I stopped working on the wedding script and just listened for a moment, enjoying the beauty in his voice, the simplicity of the music.
I began to cry.
I realized, that I wasn’t going to get any more done for the moment until I processed these emotions, so I went full on into them. I pulled up the Episode of the Orville I mentioned and watched it all the way through.
More crying.
I found the video of just the song that someone had cut together from the earlier and later performances in the show so that I could just get lost in it for a moment. I recommend you do the same. I’ll wait.
That’s all I’ve got to say
NOTE: I managed to NOT watch The Last Unicorn after this, which I think is a personal accomplishment.
So, there I was, no longer crying, but completely full of feels. I was not doing anything; I was fully into that moment of doing nothing but hearing, seeing, feeling everything that was going on.
Although I was sad, I was also at peace, which is a rare thing. I found myself smiling.
And then I remembered the most important moment from the show and decided to share that with you.
“People have been living and dying for as long as humans have existed. Most are forgotten. But not this one. This one reached across four centuries and made a guy fall in love.
We should all be so rare.”
Commander Grayson, The Orville, “Lasting Impressions”
I don’t expect anyone to understand why it meant so much to me, as it was my moment. My enlightenment, as it were. But for that moment, I was ok. For just a moment.
I believe we are all capable of this peace, but it may require learning to see the train coming, jumping off the tracks, and just enjoying the rush of feeling as it zooms by. That is what therapy (and medications) can help with.
Everyone is different in how they get to peace, but we are all capable of it if we can get help. I did, and I am slowly coming back from the edge.
I hope this sparks something good in everyone that managed to read this far.
Anyway, I love you. That’s all I have to tell you.
I have been playing Elite:Dangerous lately, and it is a really wonderful game. I have also been playing in a Vampire: The Masquerade game online with a few friends. The game is intended to be a long running game, and it begins in Ancient Greece about 403 BC, with the PCs as humans who are not yet embraced.
During the initial encounters with the first actual vampires the players meet, their powers were staggering and mysterious. As one of the PCs dealt with it, he was trying to describe the bewilderment. It wasn’t appropriate to say it then, as it would kind of break immersion but I was again reminded of this exchange between G’kar and Catherine Sakai, in Babylon 5:
Catherine Sakai : Ambassador! While I was out there, I saw something. What was it? G’Kar : [points to a flower with a bug crawling on it] What is this? Catherine Sakai : An ant. G’Kar : Ant. Catherine Sakai : So much gets shipped up from Earth on commercial transports it’s hard to keep them out. G’Kar : Yeah, I have just picked it up on the tip of my glove. If I put it down again, and it asks another ant, “what was that?”, [laughs] G’Kar : How would it explain? There are things in the universe billions of years older than either of our races. They’re vast, timeless, and if they’re aware of us at all, it is as little more than ants, and we have as much chance of communicating with them as an ant has with us. We know, we’ve tried, and we’ve learned that we can either stay out from underfoot or be stepped on. Catherine Sakai : That’s it? That’s all you know? G’Kar : Yes, they are a mystery. And I am both terrified and reassured to know that there are still wonders in the universe, that we have not yet explained everything. Whatever they are, Miss Sakai, they walk near Sigma 957, and they must walk there alone.
Traveling out in the void in space ships and dealing with mysterious supernatural folks had me reflecting on the great mystery that is life.
My schedule while I am here, as I am pressed for time and won’t be able to answer individual questions:
Sunday: Working and seeing my parents and the Foster family Monday – Wednesday: Working in Dallas. A weird alignment of planets has made this week’s schedule strange. If you care about this, ask me at PCC. Which leads me to… Thursday – Sunday: PCC! This will be when most of you will see me. I will be trying to connect with people as much as I can, walking the dealer’s room floor, maybe see a celeb or two, and play some games. I will spend down time in the gaming area, most likely. Monday: Travelling back to Arkansas.
This is NSFW, has harsh language and is not my opinion. I only post this because I agree with some of what he is saying. I know some of you will be upset by it, but I hope you can get past that and hear the core message. This message will likely hurt if you are already upset about President-Elect Trump, so wait until you are emotionally prepared.
PRESIDENT-Elect Trump. Get used to that.
For the record: I do feel that safe spaces are a good idea (some people are in real danger) and that calling people on racism, sexism, and similar things is the right thing to do. I am not certain we have been doing it correctly any more, so I am evaluating sources that I don’t normally evaluate. Please realize – just like everyone else – he is ranting because he is upset. I am not asking you to agree, but to evaluate the message in the rant. If you can’t, fine. I bear you no ill will.
I agree with his core argument:
We need MORE debate, MORE discussion, and LESS silence and shutting people down because their views differ from ours. We must be more persuasive.
I agree that I am part of why this happened.
I agree that I have done nothing, and for that I am ashamed.
I speak for me, and me alone. Don’t think I am talking about your behaviour specifically. If you have been speaking up, good for you. I would encourage you to both continue to do so AND to evaluate how you have been doing it. No one is perfect, and everyone can get better.
I will not insult a President before they act. I did not vote for him, and I do not agree with most of what he plans to do. Still, he has real information about our country’s State of Affairs now, and it is possible he may change some of the positions he has held. That is a reasonable action for someone to take and I am waiting on judgement until I see what he does with the power. I will not say I am hopeful, but I am waiting.
I would be happy to discuss this with anyone in person or over the phone. Feel free to PM, call or email me if you want to chat. I will not be engaging on Social Media publicly about this.
It’s been a rough few years for me, with a fatal car crash, jail, losing my job, starting a new job, my first poly relationship, my girlfriend’s health issues and largely not living where and how I want to. On top of that, the Interweb is unbearable with the election, religious/sexist/racist crap and outright murder in the streets. I am done.
tl;dr I’m broken, but I appear to be fixable. I’m dropping out of sight for awhile and I’ll be back. I don’t know when.
For those that want more, read on.
It’s time for some changes and the first step is to reduce the inputs that are plaguing my life. To this end. I have unfollowed everyone on Facebook. I will still use it for event planning and communicator via messenger, but I won’t be checking it and if I do, I am not likely to see anyone’s posts. If you need me to see something, you can tag me and I’ll see it, but if its political, religious, or capable of inciting intense emotion, I’d appreciate you leaving me off the list for now. I will remove the tag, and I will not look at it. Uplifting, non-religious things are fine, as are nerdy things. Bring those on.
I will be cataloging the experiences somewhat, as I work through the issues, but I’m not responding to personal requests for clarification, as I Just Don’t Have The Strength. I’m seeing a counselor and I’m on medication, so I expect I’ll get through it. I sincerely tried to just deal with it all, but I need a break. I am not on the verge of a breakdown yet, and I’d like to keep it that way.
I love you folks, and I know you want to help. If I need it from you, I’ll reach out to you. If I don’t, please don’t be offended. I’m in my cocoon and I’ll need specific things to get through it. You might not be one of them right now, but you can do your part by giving me space. If this changes, I will let you know. I sincerely thank you for your patience and understanding.
On the 50th anniversary, no less. I am a lifelong Star Trek fan. This makes me sad. I love other sci-fi, as well, but Star Trek and its dream of a better future have always appealed to me.
This is the Kobiashi Maru for Fan Films, and I see no way around it other than for CBS/Paramount to become better people, but that is unlikely. I just hope that there is a Kirk among the fans to reprogram this thing.
