I am in a position where I may have to sell up to four (4) VIP tickets, VIP Camping, and a few Skybox seats to Weezer and Halestorm to the Loudwire Music Festival in Grand Junction, Co. The event is on June 26-28th. You would have to get to the event and provide your own camping gear, but it is a pretty sweet concert.
There is a majorly cool line-up of bands, and I *really* wish I could go, but it is becoming increasingly clear that I probably will not. I’d like to sell these tickets, and take my daughter to Rush, instead.
If you want these tickets, in whole or in part, please email me or IM me on Facebook. I feel quite moved to make you a deal you cannot refuse. I don’t want to lose money on these, and I will go if I can’t sell them and try to sell them at the concert, but I would rather just sell them and be done with it. Multiple folks have dropped out. Health issue, work issues, etc. It’s amazing what can get in the way of a concert.
The tickets are being shipped to me as we speak, so I woudl have to mail them out to you. I would do that with one or two day shipping, as needed.
I will be taking a loss, but you seem like nice and virtuous folks. Deal.
I started watching The Last Samurai recently (again), and it occurred to me that the most beautiful love scene was in this movie. There is no sex, so it is safe for all viewers.
And then, my second favorite, from the Movie “Phenomenon”.
Also, this last one, which isn’t really safe for all viewers, due to the audio. Amazing scene from, “Her.”
I was going through drafts I was afraid to send. This is one of them, it is referencing the events shortly after my hospital stay. I have started dealing with this now, but I want everyone to know what I am going through. If it helps even one other person to get help, then it is worth the pain of sharing it publicly. You have my permission to share.
I watched this video and knew it was clearly staged to make me emotional. My cynical mind shut off parts of me that didn’t want to deal with what I knew was coming. My mouse hovered over the tab, ready to close it. And yet, it worked. And not because of the obvious reasons; that we should pity the man. I don’t. I want to get to know him and help him, surely, but I don’t pity him.
It worked because there are days that I can’t see it, either. I sometimes don’t see it because I am blind in another way. I am suffering from guilt and depression deep enough that I sometimes feel blind. My emotions shut off and suddenly burst forth like a dam breaking, flooding the town below me. And that I probably need medication to deal with it.
A long time ago, someone suggested I could benefit from it, and I flatly refused. They responded in a way that reverberated inside me and has come to a head recently due to a few unforeseen circumstances. Here is how it went.
“You could likely benefit from a low dose of medication to level your moods.”
“I don’t want to medicate myself; It would stifle who I am.”
“Really? You already self-medicate with alcohol. What’s the difference?”
At the time, I dismissed it, but like a .223 round, it tumbled around, doing the maximum damage until I found myself here. I am forced to be sober, I have a form of PTSD from my car accident, and I find myself forced to face everything I have been pushing back to the back. I feel like the Alliance has put me through the River treatment, because now I seem to feel everything. I can’t not.
And so, I will likely seek help. I am not sure what form that help would take, but the best emotional week I have had in the last 3 years happened when the doctor prescribed me a week’s worth of anti-anxiety medication after my hospital stay.
I was level. I accomplished more, although I wasn’t allowed to do much exercise. I felt…ok, for the first time in years, like I could actually handle what I was dealing with. And then I ran out.
A few days later, I was back to sobbing uncontrollably while watching videos like this. Why?
Because I need help.
Thank you for all of my friends that have dealt with this for the years that you have, silently – or not so silently – trying to get me to get help. I am not sure how strong I actually am, but at least I can see it now.
I feel I should explain some things. Those of you that have been near me (and dealt with me), already know this. For the rest of you, here is why I did the embarrassing, middle of the night, drunk post.
I have an issue with depression. It has been with me most of my life, but with the accident a few years back, it has been more pronounced. It is now PTSD level of effect. I take some meds for it and I have changed my life to compensate as best as I can. I have spent several years dealing with health issues since the accident, and I am starting to see evidence of them being more psychological. I have heart palpitations, fatigue and major shoulder pain in the same side as the broken hand from the accident.
I have also had work related stress and the depression has made it hard to get up and go to work everyday. Recently, it has been easier due to some forced behaviour changes at work, but it is still a struggle every day to Just.Get.Up. I do it and I produce, but I have real difficulty doing the necessary basic things to get by.
But I digress. On to the point of this exercise; my dear friends and this post on FaceBook.
When I posted that stupid post, I was drunk. For the first time in months, I picked up a drink. I was just wanting to make my brain stop. It was a really bad idea. It was, overall, a great night. At the end, as usual, it got weird. My Depression came back with a vengeance and thus, this post.
Again, Bad Idea. I know this now. But, it had several unintended affects.
1) I found out, that from everyone else’s point of view, I am some kind of a badass.
2) Also, I was contacted by several friends in private to learn some pretty cool things about me and them. Once of them shared some PTSD advice, that I will be using. It got him through Afghanistan; it can get me through a car wreck.
3) I need to stop drinking. Completely. I obviously cannot handle my emotions under the influence. I *love* the taste of the craft beers that are being made these days, but the health ramifications are just not worth it. I suppose, this is goodbye, until I get a handle on this. If I ever do.
4) I am surrounded by amazing, caring people. Wow.
5) And, apparently, I am good in bed. Good to know.
I am hurt certainly. It comes and goes. It came on HARD when I posted that status. I am through it now and I will keep going through it, I am sure. I have my reminders set around the house to help me remember the things that you said. And I will repeat these things to myself every day.
I am a good man.
I am a smart man.
I am an honorable man.
I have always valued others more than myself, and recently, I have valued them exclusively and NOT myself. I am going to do my level best to change that. I don’t know how I will fare, as this is a medical thing, not a “just get over it” thing. Depression is real and it is a medical issue, even if the various insurance companies and corporations don’t see it that way, I will seek help and I will make changes.
Thank you all for the sympathy, the advice, the kind words, and the hugs where it was possible. As usual, I leave you with a song.
See you in the world.
UPDATE: For those that see this and didn’t see the facebook post. The entire thing, with a little extra funny at the end…
I heard this song on random play today and it hit me; I very recently met a person that has changed me. I didn’t even see it coming. It is not often that someone does so on a profound level. I have deep friendships with many people, and they have changed me as well. But not like this. She has woken things in me that I had buried long ago. She has inspired me and put me into deep reflection mode.
I am not in love, just to clear that up, and that is not what I am talking about. She is someone that I *could* love romantically, no doubt, but there are too many factors in the way of that. Distance (both time and space) and loyalty being the highest on the list. So, that is not on the table with her, and I knew that as I started getting to know her. She is an incredible flirt, and as I love that activity as well, so we can enjoy that for the few days she has left here.
You see, she is moving to Prague and our friendship will be a little harder to maintain. She will be busy teaching English as a Foreign Language to folks there, and enjoying the beautiful City of Prague. There will be little time for a friendship with folks here, and that is a good thing. Her adventure starts later this week and I am extremely happy for her. I will get back to her shortly, but I have the point of this writing to make.
You see, I have been stagnant for a long time. I have so many things to do and I haven’t really been doing any of them. Since I became single, I shut off the part of me that cares about love and relationships, and I have sabotaged several that have come my way. That is ok, because long term, I never wanted to live here anyway. For that reason, I have only been with a few women, as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea about me and fall in love with me. Not that I am that much of a catch, but I still don’t want to hurt anyone because I am not into commitment. Well, my current vows end with “until sunrise do us part.”
And it got worse after I met a girl who I tried for more than she wanted and it hurt. There have been women, and I will admit that I loved several of them, but I always hit the big three. Too young, taken or too far away. I just couldn’t make it happen and the pain was Just.Too.Much. So, it was shut off. That led to other parts of stagnation, and eventually, after my car wreck, I went completely dead inside. I mean, I cared about nothing. And it just crept up on me.
I can summon up enough to get what I need done and that’s about it. I make folks laugh so I can summon up the excuse to laugh. I know I might seem happy sometimes, but I am not. I hate who I have become, and yet I can’t shake it. I play a lot of games to fill my time and use that as an excuse to not do the things I need to. I need to fix up my house. I need to improve my health. I need to increase my skillset to something more modern. I want to learn the guitar and/or piano so I can write more music. I want to write a novel.
So.Many.Things. But, I don’t care.
And then here comes April. Smart, funny, driven, gorgeous, nerdy April. I saw her boundless energy and I was infected. For a few moments, I thought I might have developed romantic feelings for her. And although, I am absolutely attracted to her in a Buffy-Spike sorta way, I am certain that that is not the reason I met her. What the self-reflective part of me noticed was something absurdly Simple. So completely obvious, that I didn’t see it; I was just confused by it. Can you guess what it is?
I am feeling again. I can fucking feel something. Wow.
I am so extremely sad that she and I will not get to do some really fun nerdy things together in the short term, but I am certain that in a few years, we will meet and swap stories. I am also extremely grateful that she took the time to let me get to know her and vice versa. But I can feel it. And that makes me happy. I want the pain. I want the joy. It will drive me to get better; to get new things.
To my new dear friend April: I hope you find adventure, great new things and your “safety pins” moment. When we meet again somewhere on this planet (or another if we can swing it), we will swap stories of what we have done since we lasted parted. And if we don’t meet again for some reason, then I expect the stories to be told regardless, and with a toast to absent friends.
Much love, my friend. Go forth and make epic times, my friend. I am ready to do the same. I don’t know what will happen next, but I am finally awake again, and I thank you.
I haven’t written in a while, so I figured I was due. So many things in the last week. GenCon; a missed 30 year reunion; Robin Williams; my daughter going back to school; missing a friend’s entire pregnancy, as she delivered today. Everything good that happened was marred ever so slightly by pain.
I really don’t have much to say, but this: I miss singing. So much happening; so much pain and joy all mixed into me, that singing is all that really makes me able to let it all go, if only for a moment. Nothing else does it for me. Nothing at all.
Except for beer.
Still, I would rather be singing. I was listening to various songs while working, and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. This is where I am, and I can’t make it any better, at least right now. So, I just hang it up and keep busy.
I have been studying the principles of Dale Carnegie this week, preparing to be a Graduate Assistant over the next 12 weeks. I have also recently read the Klingon Art of War, a fictional account of the writings of Sun Tzu from a Klingon point of view. In reading these books, an incident at Glitchcon recently came to light and, as my mind excels at, showed me my error and how I could have prevented the incident from exploding as it did.
I cannot likely correct it now, as the actual issue had nothing to do with me. That still remains to be resolved, and will likely remain so for some time, until people can come together and discuss it. That is where my error lies, and that error alone is what I wish to apologize for.
When the issue came to me, it was from a dear friend and my daughter. My bias should have been apparent to me at that time, but it was not. I proceeded under the assumption that I had heard all I needed to and went to confront the other party involved. I did so as quickly as I could, as one does not postpone a matter of honor. It took a few hours for me to actually get to him and I was otherwise occupied at that time. My distraction proved to be an issue, and I proceeded poorly.
I accused and was met with a defensive, justifying stance, as my Carnegie training should have prepared me for. I set the grounds for fixing the matter, and they were absolute. This was, as all absolute solutions go, the wrong thing to do.
Today, I was listening to Principle 3, “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically,“ and I realized my error. I immediately began to write this apology. All other concerns fell away, as I reviewed the weekend and every interaction I had had with all parties in question, until I found the moment where I had unintentionally escalated the issue.
As the Klingon‘s say, “Choose your enemies well.“ In this case, I did not. Not because I was in any danger of being defeated. To the contrary; I had nothing to lose and he had everything to lose. It was pure arrogance on my part to challenge him at all. Secondly, it was not my fight to engage in. In my eagerness to defend my friends and family, I rushed into battle to take on a foe that I had no business fighting.
The action I should have taken was this, and I still suggest it be taken: The parties involved – and ONLY the parties involved – should privately and personally (over video chat, perhaps) discuss the matter, allowing both points of view to be heard, and then both parties may resolve this matter as mature adults. Had I required such a meeting to take place at the convention, this whole thing would not have escalated to the public. How the two parties would have settled it, I have no idea. Would it have happened the same way had they spoken? Maybe, maybe not.
I prevented such a question from being answered by being accusatory at our first meeting. Everything that happened after that was a direct result of my error. Everything that happened before that moment, I take no responsibility for and leave that to the parties involved to dispute or resolve. I only ask that you work out that resolution privately.
I cannot and do not speak for Glitchcon, its Directors, or affiliates/sponsors. Any decision or action they have or will take is independent of this apology. I was not asked to make this apology; I do so completely of my own accord.
This is solely to apologize for my behavior towards the party involved and to assure that I have absolutely no malice towards anyone involved, nor have I at any point. My sole intention was to resolve the situation in a private, honorable manner and my apology is for making that end goal more difficult with my actions.
When I was a young man, perhaps around 19 or so, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. His name was Steve Bue, and he was attending DeVry with me. We went to see Bachmann Turner Overdrive at the Celebrity Theatre in the round, with Poco opening for them. I wrote about that here.
There are several reasons why this is significant now, most relevant of which is that Steve passed away last year and I was reminded of him when I was perusing the upcoming birthdays on facebook. His is coming up soon, and I was thinking of him today. Cheers to you, sir.
Also, I was also thinking of a certain gypsy pirate chick again, and spent a chunk of the day depressed about her. I am such a dumb-ass for letting someone get to me that way. Seven years have gone by, and still I feel it as though it was last week. But, alas, love is love. And this, my friends, was a grab-me-by-the-heart-and-make-me-dance-all-night-long kinda thing. It was breathtaking and absolutely burned in my memory.
The only other moment that came close, was dancing to Erotic City in a club in Phoenix when I was about 19. Surrounded by people, staring at the woman I was dancing with who had just unbuttoned my shirt with her teeth during the song. We had forgotten there were other people there and when the song ended and we noticed them, we decided it was time to vacate. Oddly, every time I came back to that bar, the DJ would stop whatever song was playing and start up David Lee Roth’s “Just a Gigalo” to mess with me. That was a hell of a night. Screwed that up, too, though, as is my pattern. I am just not relationship material, it seems.
Ahem. Where was I? Ah, yes. Poco.
Poco was my favorite band at one time, because of this song:
I was thinking about her, and the lyrics to this song.
“Tonight I’m gonna break away, just you wait and see. I’ll never be imprisoned by a faded memory. Just when I think I am over her, this broken heart will mend. I hear her name and I have to cry; the tears come down again.”
Forever a prisoner, it seems.
I won’t write much more on this topic, as I really don’t want to think about her any longer. She was a Reason, as the saying goes, although I wanted her for a Lifetime. And every time, I hear the first few lines of the song, and I fight back the tears, as the words begin to hit home.
And so, as I mourn the death of a good friend and the loss of one of many loves that was my fault, I end this day a sad man. I will leave you with the immortal words of Garth Brooks:
“I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”
I absolutely love this song and what it reminds me of. One of the greatest people I will ever know. He started as a casual friend from a bar and grew into a real friendship over time. Mr. Reed sang this song at Deja Vu on Tuesday karaoke nights and it is my favorite that he has ever done. I will let you listen, while you scroll down to read the rest, if you are so inclined.
For those that remember it, Deja Vu was a Piano Bar, and then later a Night Club. For a few years, they also ran the best Karaoke in the area, due to the high quality song choices, microphones and hella awesome speaker system. You really felt like you were performing in a quality venue when you had hold of that mic and were walking around the room. They had 3 TVs with the lyrics on them placed about the room, so you would wander and still get the lyrics if you forgot them. Most of us serious singers memorized the lyrics and practiced the songs before heading to the club, but it was helpful in case you needed them to have three screens to look at.
Oh, and we had the best KJs running it. 😉
But the best part of the place was meeting the folks that I still call friends today. We don’t see each other very much anymore, now that Deja Vu has closed and Bentley’s has lost Mr. Reed as its head bartender. It definitely feels like an age has passed.
Although I will always remember the karaoke as the starting point, as it was the first real place I called my own after my divorce and the beginning of my healing and starting to feel like I was maybe worth a shit again. Now, having gone way past that stage and onto another, I look back as I hear this song and remember Deja Vu, all over again. Pun intended.
And, I start to seriously think about the next stage of life, which has already started. Where will I end up in this next age? Who will I know and spend time with? I’d like to think it will be some of the same, and some of the new. But I am ready to move on. I needed that time to get me through something, and now I don’t.
But I will always treasure the time I spent with those wonderful, Ordinary People at Deja Vu.
Many years ago, a friend and I went to a BTO concert. When I heard this song on the radio the other day, it reminded me of that time and a funny story that I always think of when this song plays.
My good friend Steve Bue and I were enjoying a few beers and enjoying the show. When it was my turn to go get refills, I had to stand in line for quite a while. You see, they had this two beers for two bucks deal – and by deal, I mean that was all you could bye. We were on upwards of 6 or 7 beers at this point, and I was pretty buzzed. So, when this song came on, those signature chords, I turned around and threw both hands up into the air in elation.
It is at this point, I should mention that the aforementioned hands had just been given two beers, one for each. Both of these beers went airborne and forward, creating an alcoholic shower that landed perfectly and completely on the biker that was standing in line behind me. I stood there and stared at him. He stared at me, with beer dripping off his long hair, beard, and leather jacket. It seemed as though an eternity passed when I realized that neither of us had spoken. I took the chance and, lowering my arms, I spoke to him.
“I love this song.”
He stared at me with a serious face for a moment. Then, he took a step forward and I sensed that my life was at an end, at least with my bones intact. As I readied myself for the beating that I deserved, I heard his voice, speaking clearing over the music.
“Me, too. And it looks like you need a couple more beers. They’re on me.”
The joke was lost on me then, as he smiled, slapped my shoulders and bought me two more beers and handed them over. We both enjoyed the rest of the song together and I headed back to my seat to give Steve his brew. We laughed and enjoyed the rest of the concert.
To this day, I will never forget this memory when I hear this song. Enjoy.
