I was chatting with a friend recently and discovered something…interesting.  But first, read the caveat about bitching about Walmart on my blog here.  Go ahead, I will be right here.  Waiting.

Done?  Good.  Here goes nothing.

I follow the Walmart Three Core Beliefs to help me deal with ethical dilemmas and other issues I face.  I follow The Four Agreements when things get difficult.  I have a 7 Step conflict resolution system when it gets worse.  I never noticed the relationship until I tried to explain them to someone else.

I treat everyone I meet with respect and try not to make assumptions about who they are or how they live.  I may not want to spend time with them once I know who they are, but I don’t fault them or consider them lesser people.  Just people I don’t want to build a lasting connection with.  Everyone does it; I just defined a system for handling it, as many do.  Later, I found that it was connected to these things that far smarter people had already written down.

As for The Four Agreements, it is one of the best books for dealing with other people.  They are listed below, but I want to bring up one of them – Don’t Make Assumptions.  I used to make so many assumptions about people that it led to all sorts of issues that I created by “filling in the blanks” when folks talk to me.  I still hear the assumptions in my head when I don’t have the information to complete the circle, as it were, but I can now separate the “filled in” parts and the actual parts to ensure I don’t treat anyone badly. Most of the time, I don’t (treat folks badly).  When I do, I work to make amends as quickly as possible.

Also, I now ask questions to find out what is really happening in someone’s life to make sure I am acting on the correct information.  I am not a fan of living under false pretenses, so now I ask questions and act on the answers, not on the things that my very creative mind will add into the story to give me a complete view.  As a Game Master of RPGs for many years, I know how to see most of the possible scenarios that could happen in a given situation and it is difficult, at best, to not just choose the most likely scenario and go with it.  Asking questions has helped tremendously to remain humble and respectful to others.

I have been in very few fights in my life, outside of mock battles or martial training.  I see combat as a mistake rather than a goal.  If I am getting physical with you, I have failed somewhere along the way.  We should have been able to talk through whatever it is that got us to fight.  Whether you are just a criminal bringing violence, a drunken brawler with a misunderstanding, or just a friend with whom things went too far, it should NEVER get to violence.

So far, I have been able to use this system to avoid violence in most of the situations I just described, and I have not had to hit anyone.  Except that one time, as my daughter would tell you, I have never gotten past the 5th step in the conflict resolution steps (shown at the end), and even then only once. It is the only time I have ever punched someone and, as they say in Texas, they had it comin’.

In most cases, I usually can manage to avoid conflict using nothing more than the 3rd step, occasionally going to the 4th.  It is a good system and very helpful to avoid violence and permanent injury, either physical, mental or social, in any part of my life.

That means I have three core beliefs, with four agreements to deal with issues that conflict with them, leading to seven steps for resolving them if they get ugly.  These carry the weight of life making me one whole person.

Cheesy, but true.  Thanks for listening.  Here are the sets for your review.

The Three Core Beliefs of Walmart:

Respect for the Individual

Strive for Excellence

Service to Our Customer

The Four Agreements

Be Impeccable with Your Word

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Don’t Make Assumptions

Always Do You Best

7 Steps for Conflict Resolution

Use your creativity as your first means to avoid danger.

If you cannot, then confuse them.  

If conflict persists, persuade your foe.

If you cannot persuade them, they need to be threatened.  

If you are still beset with danger, you must now injure them.  

If they persist, they should be maimed.  

And finally, only if the scheme of totality demands you be its messenger, should you kill. 

That’s all.  I hope it helps someone.

Walking the Path,

Chris

At the risk of calling out the trolls, I will post this anyway. I just wish you to read this well thought out response to the question of gun control on many people’s minds.

I read it all the way through and I agree with nearly all of it. It has made me reconsider several stances I had on guns. I encourage you to read it and consider carefully what it says.

Here is the link.  I hope it will help you.  The Riddle of the Gun, by Sam Harris

NOTE: I will not respond to questions or comments, as I don’t need to defend Sam’s words, nor do I have the interest in the emotions it brings up. It is not an attack nor is it an endorsement. I am *sharing* this to help educate my friends on guns and to help them make informed choices should they be involved with any legislation regarding it.

I reserve the right to delete angry or hateful comments that people feel compelled to post as soon as I see them, either here or on any other forum where I link to this post.  That is what your feed/blog is for, so go post them there. I am non-tolerant in this regard.

Serenity Always,

Chris

I was cleaning my hard drive today and found this from many years ago when I had an…accident.  It should speak for itself, but I really enjoyed writing it.  I edited only the obvious spelling errors.  It is otherwise left as I wrote it years ago, recent head injury and all.

Enjoy.

– Chris

—————————————————————————

Well, I had a fun day yesterday.

It was a rather drizzly day, I had just arrived at my wife’s Grandmother’s house to help my Bro-in-law cut down a tree. We had everything we needed; two men, a ladder, some rope and a chainsaw. Already to go. We were only missing one thing.

Our BRAINS! What were we thinking?

To our credit, we did spend time trying to determine the best way to cut the tree down. We would begin by cutting the higher branches down and then work our way down so we could avoid the tree falling into the trailer or the power lines.

The first limb came down well. Right where we told it too.

The second limb, however, had mal intent. It struck back against it’s oppressors. Actually, it fell on my head from about 20-25′. Having just averted my eyes to clear sawdust (you will note that safety glasses were missing from the inventory list) and so was not directly in line with the bulk of the tree limb. I grazed by the tree and knocked away from the tree.

I felt like a familiar Led Zeppelin Song for a bit, but then I heard Ray screaming,” Get me down!” So of course, I ran to help. I am sure now it was somewhat of a stagger, however, as I was rather weak from the blow. I tried to free Ray from the tree where he had fallen, but the tree had snatched him by his ankle and help suspended upside down with a grip to rival the Hulk.

Or, very possibly, I was weak from the blow to the head. Ray again yelled, but this time a sensible order.

“Call 911!”

I decided to forgo the cell phone in my pocket and run (again, read stagger) to the house to use the phone in there. By the time I arrived, I could not quite remember what I was doing in the house and dizziness began to take a shot at control of my brain. I am happy to say that it failed and I remembered that I needed to call someone. Who though?

911! Yes! I remembered! I then began the search for the phone. I passed it 3 times, until Grandma said, “The phone is on the table!” Right, there it is.

Well I called 911, but things get fuzzy from here. They talked to me until they arrived so that I would stay awake. I realized that she was doing this, but it was annoying all he same. I felt like sleep would have been a good thing right then. The Paramedics that surrounded me did not feel that I was correct, as also kept me awake.

They asked me what day it was many times, oddly, and I began to wonder if they knew. They seemed satisfied with my answers, and proceeded to strap my head and body to a hard plastic board and then lift me up to take me to the ambulance.

I tried to entertain them during the ride with my rapier wit, and I got about a 50% laugh response. Now the most fun about the ride was having an IV put in while the ambulance was bump-bump-bumping along the road to the hospital. I think either the Governor needs to spend more of my tax money on roads, or the ambulance needs better shocks. Or perhaps both.

So, we arrived at the hospital and they asked me what day it was again, what happened, etc. I think they already knew and just wanted to know if I knew. All I knew was that I was rather uncomfortable and strapped to a plastic board.

During this time that I was strapped down and could only view the lights, someone that loved me came in and stood to my right (I could barely see them, but I could feel them), and looked at me. They made me feel that I would be ok. Oddly enough, no one that came to visit me had come in yet, they tell me. I thought it was Paula, but she said she that had come in until later.

Guardian angel? Random caring hospital worker? Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure.

I began to feel somewhat like Hannibal Lector, all strapped and reviewed, and I remember asking someone if there was any there named Clarice that I could talk to. That got a laugh, so I continued with the jokes. Everyone left at that point and I was visited by my family briefly before I was sent off to get a CAT scan.

The CAT scan was delivered by a guy that could have been George Carlin’s un-funny brother. He really didn’t know how to laugh, either. All business.

Ok now back to the room to wait for X-rays. My head strapped to a board was almost too much to bear at this time and the trip was a little less fun. I began hoping that soon the x-rays would come and go so that I could get of this board. I thought about crying, but they were a tough crowd and I don’t think it would have convinced them that they should let me go.

In the X-ray room, I met a pair of sadistic ladies who took great pleasure in moving the parts of me that were in pain to get pictures of the inside of them. I told them they should consider being interrogators, as I would have told them anything…

They left me for about 10-15 minutes on the board in a very dull room, still strapped to that board, until they determined that my neck was not broken and I could get off the board. The only thing I can say was Thank the Maker! That board sucked.

Of course, now that I could move my neck, I realized that it really hurt!!! I was contorted a few more times for more pictures and then wheeled back to my room. I wanted to walk, but I think they like pushing people around, as we traveled rather fast.

In case you were wondering, Ray was going through a rather more difficult time. All of his clothing had to be cut from him and he was subjected to a catheter. OW!!! I had one once before and I do not wish this pain on anyone. Well, ok, there are a few I might name, but that is another story.

Anyway, I was now in my room, sans board, and happily surrounded by family. I was release shortly after that by a real nice doctor, and I went to join Ray. He was about to be released as well, so we took clothes from whoever had spares and Ray got dressed.

From here we ended up and Denny’s. We ate, reviewed the event a few more times and then went home to go to bed.

The moral to this story is that you should not cut down trees. Just leave them be, so to speak.

Glad to still be with you,

Chris

“Do you believe, a man can change his destiny?”

“I believe a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed.”

I have had much time to think lately, as I have been stuck at home a lot since I am not currently allowed to drive.  I have notices that I have lived a good life with many chances to do great things.  I have failed at most of them.

*I will pause here for people to deny it*

Are you done?  Well, then.  I will continue.  Where was I? Ah yes.  Failure.  Me.  My collection of them.

I have been told I am a good Father and as it came from my daughter, I will not argue.  She is the only one that really matters on that score.  I feel that I could have done much better and that I don’t really deserve the praise I get for it, but I understand why.  Because so many fathers fail that I look good by comparison.

Don’t get me wrong, I did everything I felt I should have, but there was so much more I could have done.  The reason that I won’t argue is because it is the only goal I never quit. I keep trying to improve, which is why she thinks I have done a good job.

But not a great job, in my opinion. I don’t think myself a bad person, however, just not a motivated one.

I have failed twice to write a novel, failed to gain a black belt in at least 4 martial arts, dropped out of college, and was a miserable husband.  I have let every women who loved me slip out of my life and most of them for very stupid reasons.  Hell, only my ex-wife had a good one and I fought to keep her for far too long.  The failure list goes on and on, and if I felt like recounting it, I could.

They say you should have one thing and be good at it. And so, at this one thing, I am a master.

But this is actually a positive note.  You see, even as the failure I am, I have managed a few successes that I felt it important to express.

• My daughter loves me.
• I have more friends that I can manage – I only wish I could spend more time with them.
• I have truly enjoyed my life, even with all the problems and failures I have encountered.
• I am mostly healthy.
• I have enough to live comfortably, although I can’t live to excess any longer.
• My daughter loves me, in case I missed that above.

But it seems that I am on hold, waiting for something, like Captain Algren. I have always needed something to fight for, to drive me forward.  I am looking for my destiny to be revealed, for someone to need me again.

And I sincerely hope she’s a redhead.

Cheers.

I hear everyone talking about Black Thursday and staying home on that day rather than shopping. While I agree that it is best to be with those you love at every opportunity, I also feel it is important to allow people to make their own choices. People have motives for what they say, and affiliations that seek to protect.

Some are with unions, some are for the corporations.  Some are bitter at having to work on those days, rather than being home.  Some are afraid of loved ones being injured in the bustle or not proud of their own actions of years past.  Everyone has a reason to go or stay home and they are all valid, even if they are rooted in misperception.  Not all are, but most are coloured by experiences rather than facts.

But, I digress.

If you must leave your family to shop or work tomorrow, please be certain to afford everyone you meet the highest level of courtesy. If you want that shiny new *object* by all means want it and strive to acquire it. However, assure that you do so with as much grace and kindness as you can.

For there is no price higher than the harming of another to achieve a goal. Be careful and cautious and shop with joy and abandon, not with anger and jealousy. If you miss out on the aforementioned object, then accept it. If you are in a tie for that wonderful treasure, imagine the gift you give another by being gracious enough to let them have it.

Do it as a favor to me, if you cannot think of another reason.  And please, pass this along.  Share it far and wide.

I make no claim to your freedom and I have no intention of asking you to stay home or go out tomorrow. I only ask that you make an attempt to do either with intention and excitement.  Nothing out there is worth your dignity or another’s well being.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I hope you all enjoy the season ahead and may you all have the best of lives.

Thank you.

It is hard enough to grieve.  Even harder, to accept that someone is gone and then move on.   That moment when you blow out the candle for that last time, to know that you will never see them again, is profound.  I have only had to do it a few times that are significant, but I have.  What brings this to the front of my mind is an episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.  The episode is about a quelled rebellion on the surface, but it begins and ends with a candle.

Kira is remembering a lost loved one by chanting over a candle.  She is called away to do a mission, and ends up helping a former rebel proclaim he is running for Prime Minister after nearly entering a Civil War.  All ends well for them, as most Star Trek episodes go, but at the end she did something that was moving.  For 3 months she chanted over that candle; three months of grieving.  After this event, she quietly walked over to the candle, smiled in fond memory and blew it out.  Acceptance.

I have come to realize lately that I very likely have fewer days ahead than I have behind. I have been spending so very many days in exile in a job I don’t like in a place I don’t like.  And with my current plight, I don’t think I will be leaving it for a while.  I will likely be forced to downsize my life and live a more modest, Spartan lifestyle in service to others for a tragic mistake.  I am not angry and I understand what is happening.  I am making the best of it.

For very good reasons I made the sacrifice to move here and I don’t regret it.  I have met a large number of great people and have had wonderful experiences. But I still feel as though I am not home, like I should be somewhere else doing other things.  Like I missed a calling that I can’t understand.

And so I ponder what that might be and where that might lead me, before I enter the great expanse of time as a memory.  Before I Die.

I was once told by my dear friend Heather near my 22^nd birthday (I need to find that letter) that I should write an essay about Death so that I could understand it.  Until that candle went out, I didn’t really think I could, as I have been afraid of it for years and still am, to some degree. I think it is why I walked away from organized religion and why I abhor fixed beliefs.  It is why I have taken some of the chances I have and some that I haven’t.  It is why I play games and why I spend time in social circles.  I crave experience and social interaction, but I don’t know if I am being honest with everyone.  Especially myself.  Because time is running out, as they say.

But I digress.

Death comes for us all, King and Pauper alike.  No favorites, no social standing is immune. One day we will all take our Last Breath and find out what is next.  And we can never know what that will be until we are done. This is uncomfortable to some of you, I am sure, as I very much doubt I am alone in being afraid of the unknown.  This fact has caused more wars than almost any other thing. It has spawned religions, as our fear of the unknown sparked us to invent myths and legends that solved the problem.

Heaven.  Limbo.  Nirvana. The World Tree.  Axis Mundi.  Brahmāloka. Tian. Firdaus. The Elysium Fields.

All places to go when we are done toiling here, to live an eternal life in peace or to prepare to return to another life and do it again.  All substitutes for accepting death as a reality, in my humble opinion, as it is easier to be unafraid of death when you belief you won’t actually die; that you will continue on in another form or another place.  That is not acceptance.  That is transference, a form of risk management.

It is like buying an insurance policy.  I pay you premiums now and when I encounter the risk I am insuring against, you take all of the responsibility.  I have transferred responsibility for my death to you and now I can live free and without fear.

I personally think that this is the coward’s way out, but I if you can’t continue to live and prosper without putting it out of your mind, then so be it.  I have many things that I won’t face, and so that makes me a coward as well.  I suppose that puts us back on even ground.  I just won’t do it with this, as it is far too important.  Some examples.

People will accept a God into their life and then go about their days with this sense of security about things, like there is a shield around them to protect them and then get disillusioned when it doesn’t actually happen that way.  Like trying to ask for changes in a divine plan with prayer.  If you accept this being as omnipotent and omniscient, then all things happen when they happen as they should happen, regardless of your involvement.  Why even try? What is worse, is that many of the True Believers want to force others to believe the same way in some otherworldly Shanghai movement. Everyone on the boat, or else.

Then, there are those that just let the plan happen and step apart from the world, accepting the good with the bad with no real emotional attachment to it.  How can one be friends with someone like that?  If you live this way, you may find that you build no real relationships, as you don’t feel that this life is even relevant.  It is an illusion or a transitory moment in the cosmic scheme of things. Lonely to say the least, but they aren’t usually militant.

There are atheists who think we are done when we die and many feel that all other religions should be purged, as they hold us back.  I sometimes agree, but I don’t get militant.  I think that is wrong.  They have no acceptance and tolerance for others who are struggling with the same thing they are.   The most certain knowledge that they will Die.

There are still other variations on this theme that I have not yet encountered — and likely won’t — but they are all attempting to deal with one simple fact.

We will all take our Last Breath and we don’t know when.

Maybe next week.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe while you are reading this.  You don’t know when and you don’t know how, unless you have a terminal condition or something that will likely be the cause. In the face of that knowledge, knowing you have only so much time to live, are you going to waste it on a borrowed belief system?

I am not saying that any of the viewpoints about Death are wrong. I am saying you should face it head on, not like a coward running from something you fear, but as a friend that is motivating you to be your best.  Know for yourself that the reason you believe is to give you some Solace about the knowledge of Death, not for any other reason.  I give you this for free, and I hope it will help you.

You are dealing with the unknown in the best way you know how and that is ok.  Face it.  Live it.  Accept it. Be one with that knowledge and live with intention for the rest of the days you are given.

I will leave you with another Star Trek moment before I blow the candle out to help lighten the mood. One of my favorite things that Picard said was in response to a madman killing stars to find a kind of Heaven called the Nexus.  Picard was sifting through rubble to find a photo album, talking to his First Officer and grieving the recent destruction of the Enterprise.  I will leave you with this, and I hope I have brought some insight into a difficult topic.

RIKER: I’m going to miss this ship. She went before her time.

PICARD: Someone once told me that time is a predator that stalks us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment …because they’ll never come again.

What we leave behind is not as important as how we lived. …After all, Number One, we’re only mortal.

RIKER: Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.

Oh, and Heather:  It is finally done.

Walking the Path,

Chris

So, every once in a while, I search for people I knew when I was younger. In particular, a woman I once knew as a young man. Most days, I lose an hour searching and I don’t find her. Until today.

The most interesting thing about it is that as soon as I saw her, my heart leapt out of my chest and I was that young boy again. I wanted to talk to her, to just hear her voice again as I used to.  Such a deep connection we had, like soulmates, or at least it seemed that way.   Youth can delude you into thinking things are different until they are tempered with age.  And as I thought those feelings through, my mouse poised over the “Friend Request” button, I stopped.

I mean, she won’t feel that way anymore, as it was 27 years ago.  I looks like she is married, has children, a life.  Without me.  And even if I contacted her and I drummed all those old feelings in her, it is no different than last time.  We couldn’t be together now, any more than then.  I live here, she lives there.  She has things that will prevent it, as do I.  We were a moment in time, when things were not right for us to be together and it seems we always will be.

The memories are powerful and strong, as though I walked out of her life yesterday.   I seems like I was just running in the rain with her last week and going to dance all night just this weekend.  Playing on the swings and just talking all night long until we had to sleep so we could work the next day.  I mean, I even remember her fucking birthday.

And so, for just a moment, I was young again and in love with someone I had to walk away from because…it was the right thing to do.  Its like I just shut the door again and I have to get over her again.  It won’t take long this time, I am sure, but I will need to address it and why I am continuously drawn to her.

Wait.  I know why.  I remember why. And the mixture of pleasure and pain from that realization is exquisite.

I mean, I can’t even be angry at anyone but myself, as I should have known I would eventually find her again and the result would be this. It is at times like these when I really wish I was Data, so I could just shut off my emotion chip and get back to something productive. I will be ok, but I need to be offline for awhile, as I need to deal with this emotional cocktail I have mixed up for myself.

*sigh*

Tragedy, on the rocks, please.  And the tab.  I am done.

Walking the Path,

Chris