I feel I should explain some things.  Those of you that have been near me (and dealt with me), already know this.   For the rest of you, here is why I did the embarrassing,  middle of the night, drunk post.

I have an issue with depression.  It has been with me most of my life, but with the accident a few years back, it has been more pronounced.  It is now PTSD level of effect.  I take some meds for it and I have changed my life to compensate as best as I can.  I have spent several years dealing with health issues since the accident, and I am starting to see evidence of them being more psychological.  I have heart palpitations, fatigue and major shoulder pain in the same side as the broken hand from the accident.

I have also had work related stress and the depression has made it hard to get up and go to work everyday.  Recently, it has been easier due to some forced behaviour changes at work, but it is still a struggle every day to Just.Get.Up.  I do it and I produce, but I have real difficulty doing the necessary basic things to get by.

But I digress.  On to the point of this exercise; my dear friends and this post on FaceBook.

When I posted that stupid post, I was drunk.  For the first time in months, I picked up a drink.  I was just wanting to make my brain stop.  It was a really bad idea.  It was, overall, a great night.  At the end, as usual, it got weird.  My Depression came back with a vengeance and thus, this post.

Again, Bad Idea.  I know this now.  But, it had several unintended affects.

1) I found out, that from everyone else’s point of view, I am some kind of a badass.

2) Also, I was contacted by several friends in private to learn some pretty cool things about me and them.  Once of them shared some PTSD advice, that I will be using.  It got him through Afghanistan; it can get me through a car wreck.

3) I need to stop drinking.  Completely.  I obviously cannot handle my emotions under the influence.  I *love* the taste of the craft beers that are being made these days, but the health ramifications are just not worth it.  I suppose, this is goodbye, until I get a handle on this.  If I ever do.

4) I am surrounded by amazing, caring people.   Wow.

5) And, apparently, I am good in bed.  Good to know.

I am hurt certainly.  It comes and goes.  It came on HARD when I posted that status.  I am through it now and I will keep going through it, I am sure.  I have my reminders set around the house to help me remember the things that you said. And I will repeat these things to myself every day.

I am a good man.

I am a smart man.

I am an honorable man.

I have always valued others more than myself, and recently, I have valued them exclusively and NOT myself.  I am going to do my level best to change that.  I don’t know how I will fare, as this is a medical thing, not a “just get over it” thing.  Depression is real and it is a medical issue, even if the various insurance companies and corporations don’t see it that way,  I will seek help and I will make changes.

Thank you all for the sympathy, the advice, the kind words, and the hugs where it was possible.  As usual, I leave you with a song.

See you in the world.

UPDATE:  For those that see this and didn’t see the facebook post.  The entire thing, with a little extra funny at the end…