I heard this song on random play today and it hit me; I very recently met a person that has changed me. I didn’t even see it coming. It is not often that someone does so on a profound level. I have deep friendships with many people, and they have changed me as well. But not like this. She has woken things in me that I had buried long ago. She has inspired me and put me into deep reflection mode.
I am not in love, just to clear that up, and that is not what I am talking about. She is someone that I *could* love romantically, no doubt, but there are too many factors in the way of that. Distance (both time and space) and loyalty being the highest on the list. So, that is not on the table with her, and I knew that as I started getting to know her. She is an incredible flirt, and as I love that activity as well, so we can enjoy that for the few days she has left here.
You see, she is moving to Prague and our friendship will be a little harder to maintain. She will be busy teaching English as a Foreign Language to folks there, and enjoying the beautiful City of Prague. There will be little time for a friendship with folks here, and that is a good thing. Her adventure starts later this week and I am extremely happy for her. I will get back to her shortly, but I have the point of this writing to make.
You see, I have been stagnant for a long time. I have so many things to do and I haven’t really been doing any of them. Since I became single, I shut off the part of me that cares about love and relationships, and I have sabotaged several that have come my way. That is ok, because long term, I never wanted to live here anyway. For that reason, I have only been with a few women, as I don’t want them to get the wrong idea about me and fall in love with me. Not that I am that much of a catch, but I still don’t want to hurt anyone because I am not into commitment. Well, my current vows end with “until sunrise do us part.”
And it got worse after I met a girl who I tried for more than she wanted and it hurt. There have been women, and I will admit that I loved several of them, but I always hit the big three. Too young, taken or too far away. I just couldn’t make it happen and the pain was Just.Too.Much. So, it was shut off. That led to other parts of stagnation, and eventually, after my car wreck, I went completely dead inside. I mean, I cared about nothing. And it just crept up on me.
I can summon up enough to get what I need done and that’s about it. I make folks laugh so I can summon up the excuse to laugh. I know I might seem happy sometimes, but I am not. I hate who I have become, and yet I can’t shake it. I play a lot of games to fill my time and use that as an excuse to not do the things I need to. I need to fix up my house. I need to improve my health. I need to increase my skillset to something more modern. I want to learn the guitar and/or piano so I can write more music. I want to write a novel.
So.Many.Things. But, I don’t care.
And then here comes April. Smart, funny, driven, gorgeous, nerdy April. I saw her boundless energy and I was infected. For a few moments, I thought I might have developed romantic feelings for her. And although, I am absolutely attracted to her in a Buffy-Spike sorta way, I am certain that that is not the reason I met her. What the self-reflective part of me noticed was something absurdly Simple. So completely obvious, that I didn’t see it; I was just confused by it. Can you guess what it is?
I am feeling again. I can fucking feel something. Wow.
I am so extremely sad that she and I will not get to do some really fun nerdy things together in the short term, but I am certain that in a few years, we will meet and swap stories. I am also extremely grateful that she took the time to let me get to know her and vice versa. But I can feel it. And that makes me happy. I want the pain. I want the joy. It will drive me to get better; to get new things.
To my new dear friend April: I hope you find adventure, great new things and your “safety pins” moment. When we meet again somewhere on this planet (or another if we can swing it), we will swap stories of what we have done since we lasted parted. And if we don’t meet again for some reason, then I expect the stories to be told regardless, and with a toast to absent friends.
Much love, my friend. Go forth and make epic times, my friend. I am ready to do the same. I don’t know what will happen next, but I am finally awake again, and I thank you.
