Category Archives: Life Events

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

A song to overwhelm me

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I haven’t written in a while, so I figured I was due. So many things in the last week. GenCon; a missed 30 year reunion; Robin Williams; my daughter going back to school; missing a friend’s entire pregnancy, as she delivered today. Everything good that happened was marred ever so slightly by pain.

I really don’t have much to say, but this: I miss singing. So much happening; so much pain and joy all mixed into me, that singing is all that really makes me able to let it all go, if only for a moment. Nothing else does it for me. Nothing at all.

Except for beer.

Still, I would rather be singing. I was listening to various songs while working, and I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. This is where I am, and I can’t make it any better, at least right now. So, I just hang it up and keep busy.

Well, then. I’ll just leave you with a haiku.

Chau.

Conventions, Life Events, Spiritual Things

An Apology without blame

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I have been studying the principles of Dale Carnegie this week, preparing to be a Graduate Assistant over the next 12 weeks. I have also recently read the Klingon Art of War, a fictional account of the writings of Sun Tzu from a Klingon point of view. In reading these books, an incident at Glitchcon recently came to light and, as my mind excels at, showed me my error and how I could have prevented the incident from exploding as it did.

I cannot likely correct it now, as the actual issue had nothing to do with me. That still remains to be resolved, and will likely remain so for some time, until people can come together and discuss it. That is where my error lies, and that error alone is what I wish to apologize for.

When the issue came to me, it was from a dear friend and my daughter. My bias should have been apparent to me at that time, but it was not. I proceeded under the assumption that I had heard all I needed to and went to confront the other party involved. I did so as quickly as I could, as one does not postpone a matter of honor. It took a few hours for me to actually get to him and I was otherwise occupied at that time. My distraction proved to be an issue, and I proceeded poorly.

I accused and was met with a defensive, justifying stance, as my Carnegie training should have prepared me for. I set the grounds for fixing the matter, and they were absolute. This was, as all absolute solutions go, the wrong thing to do.

Today, I was listening to Principle 3, “If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically,“ and I realized my error. I immediately began to write this apology. All other concerns fell away, as I reviewed the weekend and every interaction I had had with all parties in question, until I found the moment where I had unintentionally escalated the issue.

As the Klingon‘s say, “Choose your enemies well.“ In this case, I did not. Not because I was in any danger of being defeated. To the contrary; I had nothing to lose and he had everything to lose. It was pure arrogance on my part to challenge him at all. Secondly, it was not my fight to engage in. In my eagerness to defend my friends and family, I rushed into battle to take on a foe that I had no business fighting.

The action I should have taken was this, and I still suggest it be taken: The parties involved – and ONLY the parties involved – should privately and personally (over video chat, perhaps) discuss the matter, allowing both points of view to be heard, and then both parties may resolve this matter as mature adults. Had I required such a meeting to take place at the convention, this whole thing would not have escalated to the public. How the two parties would have settled it, I have no idea. Would it have happened the same way had they spoken? Maybe, maybe not.

I prevented such a question from being answered by being accusatory at our first meeting. Everything that happened after that was a direct result of my error. Everything that happened before that moment, I take no responsibility for and leave that to the parties involved to dispute or resolve. I only ask that you work out that resolution privately.

I cannot and do not speak for Glitchcon, its Directors, or affiliates/sponsors. Any decision or action they have or will take is independent of this apology. I was not asked to make this apology; I do so completely of my own accord.

This is solely to apologize for my behavior towards the party involved and to assure that I have absolutely no malice towards anyone involved, nor have I at any point. My sole intention was to resolve the situation in a private, honorable manner and my apology is for making that end goal more difficult with my actions.

Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things

Memory Catalogue: Let it Ride

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Many years ago, a friend and I went to a BTO concert. When I heard this song on the radio the other day, it reminded me of that time and a funny story that I always think of when this song plays.

My good friend Steve Bue and I were enjoying a few beers and enjoying the show.  When it was my turn to go get refills, I had to stand in line for quite a while.  You see, they had this two beers for two bucks deal – and by deal, I mean that was all you could bye.  We were on upwards of 6 or 7 beers at this point, and I was pretty buzzed.  So, when this song came on, those signature chords, I turned around and threw both hands up into the air in elation.

It is at this point, I should mention that the aforementioned hands had just been given two beers, one for each.  Both of these beers went airborne and forward, creating an alcoholic shower that landed perfectly and completely on the biker that was standing in line behind me.  I stood there and stared at him.  He stared at me, with beer dripping off his long hair, beard, and leather jacket.  It seemed as though an eternity passed when I realized that neither of us had spoken.  I took the chance and, lowering my arms, I spoke to him.

“I love this song.”

He stared at me with a serious face for a moment.  Then, he took a step forward and I sensed that my life was at an end, at least with my bones intact.  As I readied myself for the beating that I deserved, I heard his voice, speaking clearing over the music.

“Me,  too.  And it looks like you need a couple more beers.  They’re on me.”

The joke was lost on me then, as he smiled, slapped my shoulders and bought me two more beers and handed them over.  We both enjoyed the rest of the song together and I headed back to my seat to give Steve his brew.  We laughed and enjoyed the rest of the concert.

To this day, I will never forget this memory when I hear this song.  Enjoy.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things, Writing

Memory Catalogue: Don’t you forget about me

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This song hits me like a ton of bricks. As I sit in the coffee shop listening to a most exquisite 80s playlist, this song came on and several things hit me at once, all of them pretty damn awesome.

First, of course, is Breakfast Club. And all the quotes that come with it.

“Impossible, sir. Its in Johnson’s underwear.”
“Will milk be made available, for us?”
“Chicks can’t hold the smoke. That’s what it is.”
“Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

And so many more. I love that movie and I will likely watch it again, very soon. But that isn’t the most powerful memory. It reminds me of walking the streets of Seattle. There is something unique about each city, and Seattle has an atmosphere that is just amazing to walk in. It is almost always wet, but not always raining, at least in this memory.

And then there is this coffee shop – and coffee, in general – that it brings to mind. A flash of things, really. All walks of life; lawyers, punks, preps, geeks, hipsters (before they had the name, duh) and more. I remember there was a suit next to a punk – cleaning his knife on the table! – and they were talking politics. It was pretty cool.

And then, then girl. The one that got away. We were on a date, but she had a boyfriend at the time, so it was just a moment away from life fro the two of us. Romantic on the inside and polite and proper on the outside. A movie, coffee and then it was over.

But I know, she didn’t forget about me.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things, Writing

Memory Catalogue: Fast Car

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Fast Car, performed by Christian Kane

In 1985, I was cleaning rooms in a Ramada Inn, as I couldn’t get any other job with the skills I had.  I had dropped out of college, just quit a fun job with a horrible employer, and was given the ultimatum that two months was too long for my roommate to be covering rent.

So, there I was, going room to room, cleaning up after others who were travelling, living life.  At least that was the place I was at. In my head, folks that could afford to be in a hotel room anywhere were far better off than I was.  I spent every day cleaning toilets, sinks and bathtubs in a meticulous fashion, and living in a perpetual self-induced pity party.  Who had it worse than me?  No one, right?

EDITOR: Ignorant little fuck.  Plenty of folks did. Look around.

Anyway, as a habit, every time I cleaned a room, I turned on the radio in the room in an attempt to drown out my own thoughts about my poor, pathetic life.  It was during this time that Tracy Chapman hit the charts with “Fast Car” and I heard it every day, sometimes more than once, during my incarceration with the hotel cleaning staff.

Somewhere in there I found my self-worth (or some of it, anyway) and rose up against my oppressors (self-doubt, personal pity, ignorance and low self-image) and quit that job.  I just walked out.  I felt great.

I had another within a few days and started moving on.  In perspective, it was actually a worse job, but my head was in the right place and I had a blast with it. It was a turning point and hearing these lyrics were the catalyst.

But, from that day forward, I hated this song and wouldn’t listen to it.  I even tried to cover it in a band I was in and failed at it.  I couldn’t sing it, and I am not entirely certain it wasn’t on purpose.

It was a window into the weaker, pathetic me.  The one I didn’t want to return to, or remember.  I pushed it back to the recesses of my mind, as something unimportant and not worthy of remembering any longer.  I just didn’t want to remember that low point in my life.

A few years ago, after hearing Christian Kane sing on a Leverage episode, I began following his career.  During that process, I saw that he had covered this song.  I was intrigued, but didn’t really want to hear it.  I still couldn’t look at me that way.

And then, I met Rachael randomly in a bar and we immediately had the truest, most honest friendship I had ever known. There was literally nothing we couldn’t say to each other and she read me like a book.  A damn kid’s book, too.

See Chris.  See Chris talk.  See Chris bitch about his life. See Rachael.  See Rachael call his bullshit.  See Chris laugh instead of emotionally run away.  See Narrator look stunned.

Through her, I became unafraid of exploring myself and who I was again.  I don’t think she understands fully just how much I value her friendship, but I hope she does.

Thank you, doll.  I won’t ever forget what you have done for me, even though life won’t let us hang out as much right now.  You deserve all the good things in life.  

So, somewhere in that process, I listened to this version and it woke up all those feelings.  I was going through another low point, much lower than before.  I spent most of my time in bars at that time, so you might get an idea how low, but this time I had a legitimate reason.  I took it to Rachael and poured all of this out.  It was cathartic.

This time, I could hear the younger me talking to the current me, like Qui-Gon appearing to Yoda, and realized that I could learn from the younger me.  I was telling myself to get out of that damned hotel and get on with my life.   EDITOR:  The bar was in a hotel that used to be a Ramada, ironically.

This time, the student was the master, and the master listened. I told the pity party to get in that Fast Car and keep on driving.  I am fine right here.

Walking the path,

Chris

Conventions, Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Music, Notification, Rambling, Writing

A mixed bag (of dicks) – 2013

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I have to say, that this year was a mixed bag for me. As I write this,  I considered one of these statements to open with:

I have to say, this year sucked. It can eat a bad of dicks.
I think this was a pretty decent year, despite the setbacks.
I think this year was rather Meh.

None of those captured it.  So, I think I will go with this opener.

This year was pretty much a wash. I think it only needs to nibble on a bag of dicks, but it still needs the bag. I really does.

I did some fun stuff this year, and had some changes that just sucked. Still, I am physically ok, even though I am challenged by body maintenance due to a profound of NOT taking care of it for awhile. So, let’s get that out of the way, shall we?

The Bad Stuff

Medical

I was in the hospital twice and called 911 several times to deal with an atrial flutter (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atrial_flutter). I was in the hospital for four (4) days and was eventually rebooted* and discharged. That was an ok experience, as I was coached by my doctor in front of my manager, saw some damn sexy nurses – I was not able to do anything about it. Mixed bag, right? – and had decent food for a hospital. I then had to lie on my ass for a week to recover from the reboot*.

* re·boot [v. ree-boot; n. ree-boot, ree-boot]
verb (used with object)
1. to restart (a computer) by loading the operating system; boot again.
verb (used without object)
2. (of a computer) to be restarted.
noun
3. an act or instance of restarting a computer.

In this case, I, or rather, my heart, was the computer.  They gave love a bad name, and hit me with 70 Jules, and then with 150 Jules right in the kicker.  I would tell you what it was like, but the last thing I remember after they got set up was saying, “I think the Demorol is kicking in…”  I woke up some time later in my bed with my CPAP machine on.  They insist that I was hilarious through the process, and I am sure they weren’t lying.  One of the nurses told me when she came in when I asked what happened while I was out,  “Congratulations on your engagement!  I think you will love the kids!”  I didn’t bite on that, because marriage and me aren’t even friends on Myspace, no what I mean?

Anyway, that was the highlight of that experience until I read the discharge notes.  I was to stop drinking alcohol and start on a low sodium diet.  I keep it under around 1200-1500 mg per day and I will tell you this is one of the hardest things I have ever done.  But, I am discovering how to cook again and an amazing amount of new foods.  I am not going to be that guy, so I will just go to whatever restaurant folks want to go to and order low sodium stuff – like water – and make it through.  In fact, I have been for over a month and I think I am doing ok.  I will get better over time.  My heart is strong, but the reboot takes some recovery time.

The downside of all this was getting hit with hospital bills

Transportation

I couldn’t drive all year, which made most of the year difficult at best.  I missed out on lots of things and it put certain plans I had so far on the back burner, I had to turn it off.  I am hoping, now that I can get my license back (just coordinating to get the logistics done, as I still can’t drive – the irony), that I will be getting some traction on plans that I have been putting off for a long while. I will keep you posted.

The Passing of Friends

I had several friends pass along this year.  Cheryl O’Connor, Steve Bue, and Ricky Lindroos.  Although I was not close with them recently, I knew them long ago and they will be missed.

The Good Stuff

Conventions

I was able to attend/work Gencon, Glitchcon, and Arkcon this year.  I will be attending DarkCon in the next few weeks, as well.  I missed Dragon*Con, which I am mildly sad about, but I *might* hit it next year.

Gencon was overwhelming.  I enjoyed it immensely, as I was able to see some great friends there, and meet some new ones.  I spent much of my time in the gaming and vendor rooms, and then just chilling with those friends at night.  It was a great time.

Glitchcon was a lot of work (not nearly enough, though – this year will better), as I tried to do to much of the work alone.  I will be forming a team for this year, so that won’t be an issue, but this year was not up to my standards for work.  Still, people had fun, I was party to a really fun game that was written there, and it was a success. Lots of fun was had.

Arkcon:  Drunken Artemis.  ‘Nuff said.  Ok, not really.  It was a really well run game room and I hope it will be the same this coming year.  I am really looking forward to it.

People

I met some really cool people this year and will hopefully have the opportunity to do some really cool things.  We shall see.  I also plan to reconnect with folks with the license obtaining thing happening soon.  Now just to deal with the fear of driving…

Games

I spent too much money on games this year, as I was spending too much time at home alone.  So, games.  I have been playing some fun ones, but I am not used to spending this much time with them, and I feel guilty I haven’t been writing enough.

Writing

I took a class on writing and it has helped me to understand some of the ways to frame a story.  I am hoping to more writing in this next year, as I think I will do a much better job.  I have 3 or 4 books I started writing, but without a good outline, I never finished.  Now that know how to create an outline for a novel, I am hoping to get them done this year.  So, less games/TV and more writing.  Wish me luck!

Music

I am in the Walmart Associate Choir.  We perform at various company events throughout the year and it has given me the opportunity to get my singing muscles back in shape.  I have recorded a few songs this year, just to see how my voice sounded on them, but due to the copyright laws, I am not supposed to share them.   /sadface

Next year, I want to record some of my original songs, and I am looking for folks to help.  I tried learning guitar this year, but I have come to the realization that I just suck at it.  I bought a bass guitar, as I seem to be forever stuck in bass clef.  I will let you know how it goes.  Being a singer/bass player/drummer can’t hurt my chances in the long run.

This is the end

And so, as I close out the year – and this blog – I just have to say it wasn’t a great year, but I have certainly had far worse ones.  I hope your Holiday Season has been fabulous and that you made it through as well.  Hears to a better 2014!

I will leave you with the immortal words of Barry Manilow, as performed by John Barrowman, Captain Jack Harkness himself:

I made it through the rain, I kept my world protected
I made it throught the rain, I kept my point of view
I made it through the rain, And found myself respected
By the others who got rained on too
And made it through

Walking the Path,

Chris

Life Events, Spiritual Things

More than words

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“What would you say if I took those words away? Then you couldn’t make things new just by saying ‘I Love You.'”

I really love this song. It is still hard to listen to; the pain is strong when I hear it and probably won’t ever heal , but I listen to it when it comes on anyway.  It has a good message and I love to hear it.  I was just watching “Rock of Ages” and this song is featured in it, so I thought I would pause to share my thoughts on this, as they were revealed to me.

I loved a woman once, and it didn’t work out.  She and I went different ways and that is that.  We are both better for it. This was the song we called “our song” and it is inexorably tied to her, whether I want it to or not.  It is likely she thinks of me when she hears it, and I hope it is with a smile.  Maybe someday I will deal with this 100%, but I am not ready and I don’t see that happening for awhile.

Two things are important about this time I heard it, though.

  1. I am over the pain enough that I can listen to the song and not get upset.  I can just love the song again and remember what love feels like.
  2. I don’t actually care of she knows how I feel about it anymore.  I don’t hate her and I don’t bear her malice.  I am just healing and that feels good.
  3. I strongly believe you should never let pain stop you from experiencing what you love.  And I love this song and this band.

Yep.  That was 3 things.  Sue me.

Enjoy it.  I’ll be in my bunk.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Spiritual Things

What we leave behind…

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Who knows where the cold wind blows?
I asked my friends but nobody knows.
Who am I to believe in love?
Love ain’t no stranger.

I am not going to lie to you:  this year, as a whole, sucked.  It was a colossal waste of my life.  I spent it in fear and pain, in loss and grieving for someone I never met, and have been left at the end with a fairly bleak financial future and more weight than I would like.   If I ever could have a year to live over, this would be the one, as long I had the knowledge of how one moment would go.

But, would something else have happened to make it happen this way regardless?  It is likely many of you would offer opinions based on your faith, but not one of you would have any fact to back it up.  I will remain firmly entrenched in I don’t care, since I can’t know.  That is my faith and, as nihilistic as it may sound, it serves me.

Just as your faith serves you.  I certainly hope I am understood.

As I ponder the end of this largely pathetic year, I once again must take stock in what I am leaving behind and what I want to do going forward.  I will lay it out, as best I can, and I will try not to make you cry.  Too much.

Continue reading What we leave behind… →