Category Archives: Memory Catalogue

Life Events, Memory Catalogue, Spiritual Things

Memory Catalogue: Kashmir

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This is one I’ve agonized over posting. A very few of you know why and a few less know who. No one else gets to know who, for the record.

CW: references to sex

You see, I got my first blowjob to this song. And, for those who wonder, yes, it was amazing. So, every time I here the song, I smile. Here it is, if you’re not familiar.

Kashmir, by Led Zeppelin

What I agonized about is that I might alienate some folks by posting it because they won’t read past that last paragraph. And if that’s you, you’re missing the story, and I respect your choice to stop. No hard feelings.

The rest of you, listen and read on.

We began with me coming over to her house while her parents were out of town. We chatted for a long time, cuddled on the couch and watched Dumbo. I was the happiest 5 year old in that moment.

I was certain there would be no sex, because we had talked earlier about her having a boyfriend and…other complications. Their relationship wouldn’t have explicitly allowed us to do anything, so I shut it down in my mind. I wanted her company, so other than a momentary disappointment, I was very happy with my evening.

We chatted and cuddled after the movie for awhile until it was time for me to go. As I was saying goodnight, she took my hand and asked me to follow her. I complied and went to her father’s den. In there was a very high quality collection of vinyl and books. Among those albums was Physical Graffiti, which has the song Kashmir. She asked me to lie down on the floor and started that album, starting with Kashmir.

The next seven minutes was spent with a minute of negotiating, as I wanted to be sure she wanted to, considering. She did and then did.

It was the unexpected capstone of what I consider my favorite date. I’ve had some amazing dates and spent time with some amazing people and I don’t diminish any of those experiences by calling this my favorite. It wasn’t the best sex I’ve ever had; it was my favorite experience I’ve ever had with a woman.

And that is why I love this song. Thank you for listening and I hope y’all stick around.

Walking the Path,

Me.

Memory Catalogue, Spiritual Things

Memory Catalogue: You wanted more…

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You Wanted More, by Tonic

I’ve found during my mental health journey over the last 2 decades that I still don’t know what is the right decision or the wrong one. Based on what I know at the time, I take certain paths only to find that I’ve, once again, lost my way.

I try very hard not to hurt anyone with my choices, but it seems that I’m not capable of doing anything without someone paying a price. And that someone is usually not me. Well, not just me.

What’s worse is the ripple effect on that choice. The impact of what we do is almost always larger than we plan for. I’ve learned to minimize most of the damage to just myself where I can. Many times, the impact is beyond my ability to discern.

Clearly, my mental powers need some training.

I’ve been trying to figure out who I am for what seems like an eternity now, and I’m not really any closer than I was before. It seems like I’m doing well, I make a choice that seems like the best for everyone, and I find out I’m wrong.

I’ve realized that I need certain things: physical touch, words of affirmation (sometimes) and novel communication. It’s very hard to attain all three in a relationship, as no one can fulfill all three. This is what first made me understand that I’m polyamorous. Another clue is that I don’t stop loving anyone. Ever.

This means, if I am reminded of someone I once loved, I get to feel it all over again at the same intensity, including the break up. Sometimes these are full on flashbacks and I just break for a minute until I process it.

At this point, everything reminds me of someone I love and it’s maddening. If I hear a certain song, or watch a particular movie, or go to a place where I had an experience with someone, I feel all the emotions associated with that song, movie or place. Some days, I have to isolate myself to keep my sanity. I find that I hit next on many songs on my standard playlist now, as more and more of them remind me of someone I have lost or hurt in my past.

And what’s worse, one memory of a loved one cascades into the next, and I just phase out of existence, lost in the flashbacks. If you’ve ever seen me space out for no obvious reason, it’s likely this is the cause. I am lost in a memory.

I sit now, in a bar, wondering what to do with the rest of my life. I’d prefer to do acting, music or something similar, and I know I have the talent for it. It’s just the confidence to actually do it. I’ve tried writing, but I can’t finish anything. Hell, I have more posts in drafts than I have published.

Still, I haven’t quit yet, and therapy is helping alot. I really hope I get to the point where I am doing Epic and Awesome things. I feel like I am close to a breakthrough, but as usual, the veil is invisible for now. sigh.

Until then, Chop Wood, Carry Water.

Walking the Path,

Me.

Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things

Memory Catalogue: Maybe it's time to let the old ways die

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This song from this movie hits me. I am not 100% sure it is even possible to do it, but I know I want to change. I recommend listening to the song while you read this, if you can.

I have had my brain re-programmed against my will, as if ransomware took over processing and said, “The price is more than you will give.”

Everyone knows where my life went south. Since then, I have been continuously failing at everything I do. Father, Lover, Worker, just everything. I am just fucking lost and the path is dark ahead.

Still, I watch something like this and the fire is lit again, for just a moment. When they perform on stage, I remember the feeling of singing in front of many people. I have had the privilege of singing in front of large and small audiences – I think my largest is about 3000 at a company event – and I absolutely ate it up.

There is no high like singing for me. The excitement, the fear, the orgasmic delight of entertaining other people is just the highest I think I have ever felt. Granted some of the performances, I actually was high or drunk, but most of them I wasn’t because they were at work.

I have been in quartets, rock bands, sung karaoke, and just in the shower. When I feel low, the urge to sing just hits me.

This song, in particular makes me wonder, though. What old ways do I let go of? What direction should I head in? I am at a crossroads and I seem to have been standing here for ages.

So, other than gaming, it seems music is the only thing that has been with me longer than anything else.

Maybe it’s time to let the New Ways die and get back to the old. I don’t know.

I guess time will tell.

Thanks for listening,

Chris

Memory Catalogue, Music

Memory Catalogue: Who wants to live forever?

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I never felt that I would have a reason to cry and have this song apply to me.  Alas, as so many things I never dreamed would come to pass, it has.

To spend time with perfection and have to let her go is maddening.  It frequently makes me sad, and yet there is that part of me that relishes the moments we have and still will have together before I am away.

She is the most amazing creature, eyeballs to entrails, as Spike would say, and I will miss her.  Still, as the song says…

Who wants to live forever?

 

Memory Catalogue, Music

Memory Catalogue: I am beautiful with you

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This song speaks to me. I have felt myself recently in a few magical moments with someone I am now close to. I have mostly hid the relationship from everyone, largely to protect her, but it is hard not to talk about it.

She has helped me to see who I am; a protector, a lover, a monster. These are good things, even if it might not seem like it. I am all of these things and more, but it was not something I could see. Until I met her.

A casual brush on the thigh in an excited moment at a party and I was hooked. The funniest part of it is, I didn’t really notice her before that. I was singing along with the song she was singing, and she was surprised that I knew it. She came over to me and the look she gave me was penetrating. Aaaand Scene.

Seven months later, we are living together and doing things together and exploring who we are. And, also, sharing our pain together. It is rather amazing what is happening to me, but I can’t really share it with everyone at this time.

I can say this; I am beautiful with her.

Memory Catalogue, Music

Memory Catalogue: Never Surrender

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Just a little more time is all we’re asking for.

I heard this phrase and it reminded me of this song.  It then reminded me of a time long ago, when I used to not care about things like bills, where I wanted to live, parenting, and such like that.

Right now, I have less to worry about than I used to, but most of the things that are really making me happy I can’t talk about.  Such is the society we live in.

So, I will say that I will always remember the 80s with a passion and love that just cannot be replaced.  The world gets better and worse, and things change.  But one thing doesn’t change.

No one can take away your right to fight and to never surrender.

Chau.

Google Play: Never Surrender – Corey Hart

 

Memory Catalogue, Spiritual Things

Memory Catalogue: Crazy Love

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When I was a young man, perhaps around 19 or so, I went to a concert with a friend of mine.  His name was Steve Bue, and he was attending DeVry with me.   We went to see Bachmann Turner Overdrive at the Celebrity Theatre in the round, with Poco opening for them.   I wrote about that here.

There are several reasons why this is significant now, most relevant of which is that Steve passed away last year and I was reminded of him when I was perusing the upcoming birthdays on facebook.  His is coming up soon, and I was thinking of him today.  Cheers to you, sir.

vodkaglass

Also, I was also thinking of a certain gypsy pirate chick again, and spent a chunk of the day depressed about her.  I am such a dumb-ass for letting someone get to me that way.  Seven years have gone by, and still I feel it as though it was last week.  But, alas, love is love.  And this, my friends, was a grab-me-by-the-heart-and-make-me-dance-all-night-long kinda thing.  It was breathtaking and absolutely burned in my memory.

The only other moment that came close, was dancing to Erotic City in a club in Phoenix when I was about 19.   Surrounded by people, staring at the woman I was dancing with who had just unbuttoned my shirt with her teeth during the song.  We had forgotten there were other people there and when the song ended and we noticed them, we decided it was time to vacate.  Oddly, every time I came back to that bar, the DJ would stop whatever song was playing and start up David Lee Roth’s “Just a Gigalo” to mess with me.  That was a hell of a night.  Screwed that up, too, though, as is my pattern.  I am just not relationship material, it seems.

Ahem.  Where was I?  Ah, yes.  Poco.

Poco was my favorite band at one time, because of this song:

I was thinking about her, and the lyrics to this song.

“Tonight I’m gonna break away, just you wait and see.  I’ll never be imprisoned by a faded memory.  Just when I think I am over her, this broken heart will mend.  I hear her name and I have to cry; the tears come down again.”  

Forever a prisoner, it seems.

I won’t write much more on this topic, as I really don’t want to think about her any longer.  She was a Reason, as the saying goes, although I wanted her for a Lifetime.  And every time, I hear the first few lines of the song, and I fight back the tears, as the words begin to hit home.

And so, as I mourn the death of a good friend and the loss of one of many loves that was my fault, I end this day a sad man.  I will leave you with the immortal words of Garth Brooks:

 

“I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.”

thedanceWalking the path,

Me.

Memory Catalogue, Music

Memory Catalogue: Ordinary People

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I absolutely love this song and what it reminds me of.  One of the greatest people I will ever know.  He started as a casual friend from a bar and grew into a real friendship over time.  Mr. Reed sang this song at Deja Vu on Tuesday karaoke nights and it is my favorite that he has ever done.   I will let you listen, while you scroll down to read the rest, if you are so inclined.

For those that remember it, Deja Vu was a Piano Bar, and then later a Night Club.  For a few years, they also ran the best Karaoke in the area, due to the high quality song choices, microphones and hella awesome speaker system.  You really felt like you were performing in a quality venue when you had hold of that mic and were walking around the room.  They had 3 TVs with the lyrics on them placed about the room, so you would wander and still get the lyrics if you forgot them.   Most of us serious singers memorized the lyrics and practiced the songs before heading to the club, but it was helpful in case you needed them to have three screens to look at.

Oh, and we had the best KJs running it.  😉

But the best part of the place was meeting the folks that I still call friends today.  We don’t see each other very much anymore, now that Deja Vu has closed and Bentley’s has lost Mr. Reed as its head bartender.  It definitely feels like an age has passed.

Although I will always remember the karaoke as the starting point, as it was the first real place I called my own after my divorce and the beginning of my healing and starting to feel like I was maybe worth a shit again.    Now, having gone way past that stage and onto another, I look back as I hear this song and remember Deja Vu, all over again.  Pun intended.

And, I start to seriously think about the next stage of life, which has already started.  Where will I end up in this next age?  Who will I know and spend time with?  I’d like to think it will be some of the same, and some of the new.  But I am ready to move on.  I needed that time to get me through something, and now I don’t.

But I will always treasure the time I spent with those wonderful, Ordinary People at Deja Vu.

Walking the Path,

Me.

 

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things

Memory Catalogue: Let it Ride

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Many years ago, a friend and I went to a BTO concert. When I heard this song on the radio the other day, it reminded me of that time and a funny story that I always think of when this song plays.

My good friend Steve Bue and I were enjoying a few beers and enjoying the show.  When it was my turn to go get refills, I had to stand in line for quite a while.  You see, they had this two beers for two bucks deal – and by deal, I mean that was all you could bye.  We were on upwards of 6 or 7 beers at this point, and I was pretty buzzed.  So, when this song came on, those signature chords, I turned around and threw both hands up into the air in elation.

It is at this point, I should mention that the aforementioned hands had just been given two beers, one for each.  Both of these beers went airborne and forward, creating an alcoholic shower that landed perfectly and completely on the biker that was standing in line behind me.  I stood there and stared at him.  He stared at me, with beer dripping off his long hair, beard, and leather jacket.  It seemed as though an eternity passed when I realized that neither of us had spoken.  I took the chance and, lowering my arms, I spoke to him.

“I love this song.”

He stared at me with a serious face for a moment.  Then, he took a step forward and I sensed that my life was at an end, at least with my bones intact.  As I readied myself for the beating that I deserved, I heard his voice, speaking clearing over the music.

“Me,  too.  And it looks like you need a couple more beers.  They’re on me.”

The joke was lost on me then, as he smiled, slapped my shoulders and bought me two more beers and handed them over.  We both enjoyed the rest of the song together and I headed back to my seat to give Steve his brew.  We laughed and enjoyed the rest of the concert.

To this day, I will never forget this memory when I hear this song.  Enjoy.

Life Events, Mad Ramblings, Memory Catalogue, Music, Spiritual Things, Writing

Memory Catalogue: Don’t you forget about me

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This song hits me like a ton of bricks. As I sit in the coffee shop listening to a most exquisite 80s playlist, this song came on and several things hit me at once, all of them pretty damn awesome.

First, of course, is Breakfast Club. And all the quotes that come with it.

“Impossible, sir. Its in Johnson’s underwear.”
“Will milk be made available, for us?”
“Chicks can’t hold the smoke. That’s what it is.”
“Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”

And so many more. I love that movie and I will likely watch it again, very soon. But that isn’t the most powerful memory. It reminds me of walking the streets of Seattle. There is something unique about each city, and Seattle has an atmosphere that is just amazing to walk in. It is almost always wet, but not always raining, at least in this memory.

And then there is this coffee shop – and coffee, in general – that it brings to mind. A flash of things, really. All walks of life; lawyers, punks, preps, geeks, hipsters (before they had the name, duh) and more. I remember there was a suit next to a punk – cleaning his knife on the table! – and they were talking politics. It was pretty cool.

And then, then girl. The one that got away. We were on a date, but she had a boyfriend at the time, so it was just a moment away from life fro the two of us. Romantic on the inside and polite and proper on the outside. A movie, coffee and then it was over.

But I know, she didn’t forget about me.